Redemption
by Storm311
Summary: Clarke knew that she needed to pay and suffer for her actions. She wondered if she could ever find away to live with what she's done, let alone find any kind of redemption for the horrors she was responsible for. Can she find a way to repair her soul? Will she ever find a way back home? Wherever or whoever home was. This story follows the events of season 2.
1. Chapter 1

**REDEMPTION**

Chapter 1

 **Copyright:** Some characters and/or partial story lines have been borrowed from The 100. I do not own them. I do own my own thoughts and ideas that are written here.

 **AN:** I am very lazy. I really did not want to bother looking up words in Trigedasleng. I figured if I wrote in Trigedasleng then I would have to also include a translation. I'm sure there are a lot of you who are probably quite fluent by now in this but I am not. I know Lingo Jam has an online translator but again, I am lazy. With that said, you may consider any spoken words that are italicized as being spoken in Trigedasleng. Lastly, I'm sure if you look you will notice that this is my first published fanfiction here. Be honest and kind please, and thank you for reading.

* * *

Lexa quickly spun around, the tails of her long dark jacket billowing behind her. Her breath catching in her throat and her eyes briefly closing to prevent the moisture that so desperately wanted to spill from them. Only the girl that came from the sky could provoke these emotions in her. She knew Clarke was about to say more to get her to change her mind and a part of her was afraid that she would give in to her heart and break the deal she just made that guaranteed her peoples' freedom and safety. She also couldn't bear to see the look on Clarke's face any longer. The look that was there because of her actions, and was full of disbelief, hurt, heartbreak, and pleading. She wanted nothing more than to run to the blonde and tell her everything would be fine and do whatever needed to be done to erase that look from her beautiful features.

It had been an easy decision for the Commander to make. Her duty to her people came before anything and she had to take the deal that Emerson offered her. The return of all of her people and not another one of their lives lost in the process in exchange for staying away from the territory belonging to the mountain and also for the lives of those from the sky they held imprisoned within their fortress. Yet at the same time it was one of the hardest decisions she had ever had to make.

For so long now Lexa had not allowed herself to feel or care about anyone. She had forced her heart into a block of ice, but recently that ice had started to thaw. It caught her by surprise. Clarke, caught her by surprise. She had never known anyone like her. It was the blonde leader's fire and strength, her courage and determination, her unselfish dedication, and her caring and compassion that slowly started to melt the ice around her heart until she could feel it beating again. Nobody had ever questioned or pushed her the way that Clarke did. Nobody had ever made her face herself. Nobody had ever made her feel so hopeful and alive, not even Costia. She had loved Costia very much, but this felt different somehow. She didn't know that the feelings and trust she had for the sky leader could exist. She has only known her for such a short time but it felt like she has always known her.

She hoped that Clarke could understand her decision and the reasoning behind it. She had tried to allow just enough emotion to show on her face and in her eyes for the sky girl to understand that she wished she could have chosen differently. She knew nobody else would notice but Clarke. Clarke had an uncanny ability to see the tiny details nobody else could. Like the tightening of muscles in her jaw, the miniscule movement of her brow, or the slight flicker of emotion that reflected in her eyes. She knew the beautiful blonde could though. From their very first meeting she had seen right through her tough commander exterior and into her true self. The person that she would not, could not, allow others to see.

"Walk away Clarke," the Commander thought to herself.

She knew that Lincoln was right. If the sky people stayed to fight alone, they would all be killed. She knew Clarke though and she knew that she would not stop until she got her people back. Lexa only hoped that somehow Clarke would survive. She knew Clarke was strong and resourceful. She wanted the other leader in her life. She needed her in her life. She knew that as long as Clarke survived that it would be possible for them to work through this.

Lexa marched with her army through the woods until they reached the outskirts of the mountain peoples' territory. They were back at the camp they had left just hours before.

"Indra," she called to her most trusted general as she walked into her tent knowing the older dark lady would follow.

" _Make sure Lincoln is restrained. We cannot have anyone violating the terms of our agreement with the mountain."_

The commander had walked to her throne but did not sit down. Instead she stood facing it.

" _Send four scouts to the sky peoples camp. I want to be notified immediately of the sky peoples return or of any unusual activity."_

" _Yes, Commander," the General replied._

Lexa finally turned and looked at Indra. She dismissed her general with a flick of her hand. Indra simply nodded once, turned, and left the tent.

With one fluid movement, Lexa drew her dagger from her thigh and with a flick of her wrist sent it sailing. It sang through the air and embedded itself into the large center tent post. After a moment she walked over to it and pulled it out. She leaned her forehead against the cool post, closed her eyes, and let out a breathy sigh.

"What have I done?" she thought to herself.

The green eyed brunette replayed the night's events over in her mind. She knew she had made the right decision but it didn't stop that decision from weighing heavily on her heart. Now that Clarke had reminded her that her heart was still there she was not able to push it aside and hide it again. She turned and glanced at her bed, pausing for a moment before walking over and finally sitting in her throne. She knew her bed would be useless. She knew that sleep would not come. Every time she closed her eyes she saw the hurt as it spread across those beautiful blue eyes as realization of what was happening sank in. She saw the unshed tears fill those eyes to near overflowing. She could practically hear Clarke's heart breaking.

The Commander sat slightly slumped to the side in her throne, her left arm resting on the arm rest supporting her weight. She still held her dagger in her right hand. She placed the tip of the dagger on top of the arm rest, her hand lightly grasping the hilt as she slowly spun it around. Lexa stared unseeing at the intricate design on the weapon's blade as her mind was lost in thought. She was thinking back on the last few weeks, from the moment the fearless blonde leader of the sky people had entered her tent, until the moment she turned and walked away from her leaving her to what seemed like a certain death. Clarke had been a constant presence during this time. So much so that her absence now did not feel right.

Although Lexa had pulled her army away from the impending battle, she still fought her own inside herself. She knew she had to have all of her people withdraw from the mountain but that didn't stop the urge she felt to run back and be by Clarke's side. Her responsibility as leader of the 12 clans was the only thing keeping her from doing just that.

She never expected to fall for the blonde, but she had. She knew the other girl had feeling for her too. The promise of her words "not yet" echoed through Lexa's head and still gave her hope that one day Clark would be ready to be with her. If only she didn't just ruin that possibility. She thought back to the way the other girl's lips had felt and tasted as they pressed against her own as Clarke returned her kiss. The fingers of her left hand involuntarily lifting to her mouth to lightly trace her bottom lip.

Snapping out of her thoughts with a slight visible jerk, Lexa stared once again at the blade of her dagger. She could see her face reflected in the wide blade. Her war paint smeared with sweat and blood. The Commander quickly stood up and sheathed her dagger. She thought of the scouts on their way to the sky peoples' camp, then deciding to go and see her people that were freed from the mountain, she swept out of her tent.

It was after night fall when one of the scouts returned as Lexa was making her way back to her tent. She motioned for her warrior to follow her as she entered. Once seated on her throne she looked at him and waited for him to begin his report.

" _Commander, the sky peoples' soldiers that marched to war with us last night were already back at camp when we arrived. Shortly after sun up another group of sky people returned from the mountain. There were several wounded among them."_

" _They were successful in rescuing their people from the mountain?"_ asked the Commander.

" _Yes, Commander. There were a few others with them including their Chancellor, Abigail Griffin and Marcus Kane. Lincoln was with them as well."_ The warrior knew this would anger the Commandeer because it violated their agreement with the mountain people. He braced himself for the wrath that was sure to come, but there was nothing but silence.

Lexa knew that Lincoln would never have escaped on his own. She was quite certain that Indra had something to do with his being free. She knew she should be angrier than she was by that fact but the words actually brought her a tiny bit of comfort knowing that Lincoln was a good warrior and that his help was probably needed by the sky people.

Without letting even the tiniest bit of emotion show she asked the one question she feared an answer to. _"Was Clarke with them?"_

" _Yes, Commander, but she did not enter the camp with the rest of them. Once everyone was inside the camp she walked away into the forest. Oden was sent to follow her."_

Lexa wondered how Clarke had gotten her people out and was afraid of the wrath that would come as retaliation from the people who had locked themselves in the mountain years ago. _"Was there any sign of the mountain people?"_

" _None, Commander."_

" _Eat and rest Maka. Then return to the sky camp. I want continued reports on their activities and if there is any sign from the mountain."_

" _Yes, Commander."_ The acknowledgement was brief as the warrior nodded his head then took his leave.

Lexa's thoughts were heavy. There was much that needed to be done. In the morning they would break camp and head back to Tondc. There was a lot of rebuilding and resupplying that needed to be done before winter set in. Most of those that were currently in her army would be sent home with their leaders once they knew for certain that both the mountain and the sky people would not be a threat any longer. Of course some would stay to help with the rebuilding. She still wanted to maintain some kind of an alliance with the sky people. She knew that would be difficult since she had abandoned them at the mountain. She knew though that they would need her peoples' help to make it through the winter. She knew that Chancellor Griffin would be difficult to deal with but perhaps with Kane's help they could reach an agreement. Octavia and Lincoln were another story all on their own. They were now considered traitors and not recognized among the Trikru. Could she find a way to allow them back while maintaining proper justice for their actions or would they have to remain among the Skaikru? She knew that Octavia felt like she belonged with the Trikru more than she did with those she had fallen out of the sky with, and that the help from both her and Lincoln would be necessary to help bridge the two groups if they agreed to maintain an alliance of any sort. Yes, there were many things to take care of and soon because she needed to return to Polis.

Then there was Clarke. Lexa quickly pushed that thought out of her head before it could materialize in her mind as bright blonde curls and sparkling blue eyes. Hopefully her scouts would bring her word of the young leader soon.

With a heavy sigh Lexa reached for a cloth that was sitting on the table she had been standing in front of. She dipped it into the bowl of water it had been sitting next to and after wringing out the excess moisture she finally began to wipe off the war paint and blood from her face and the single tear that had escaped from the corner of her eye.

* * *

Clarke wanted to turn back and take one last look at the people she had just saved and that she was now leaving. Who knew if she would ever see any of them again. She refused to turn around. It would do nothing but bring back the sights and sounds of what she did for them to be where they are now. Instead she held her head high and kept her eyes focused straight ahead as she walked away. She still did not stop once she entered into the trees of the forest.

"Where will you go?" Bellamy's question echoed in her head. She really didn't know. She knew only that she could not stay at Camp Jaha. She could not return to the mountain and relive the horror she had caused there. She could not be with the Trikru, with Lexa.

"Lexa," Clarke breathed out as the fearless leader entered her thoughts. She closed her eyes and the moisture that had flooded them at the whisper of the commander's name leaked out and ran down her face. She knew she should be angry at the young commander but she was too exhausted and too overwhelmed with her own actions.

She had wiped out an entire people. The fresh blood of hundreds covered her hands that were already stained by the blood of hundreds and hundreds. How many deaths were caused by her actions? Atom, Caliban, the 300 warriors at the drop ship, Finn, the hundreds killed in the bombing at Tondc, and now the entire population of Mount Weather. Every last one of them was dead including their children and the people that had helped her friends. All of them dead by her hand. Innocent lives that she was responsible for ending. Clarke was too overwhelmed by the thought and dropped to her knees. The tears streaming down her face now.

"What did I do?" The words choked out of her mouth in a hoarse whisper. "What have I become?"

She sat there on the floor of the forest. Her throat was now raw and throbbing from the sobs that she couldn't stop from escaping and her eyes were red and puffy. Her senses began to take in her surroundings again. Her eyes no longer swimming with tears began to focus. She felt the weight of the pistol in her hand. She had forgotten that it was still clenched in her tight grip. She slightly loosened the hold she had on it and stared at the dull black metal. Could this be the solution to the thoughts that plagued her exhausted mind? Could she use the gun to take one more life to avenge all of the lives that she was responsible for? Was the answer so simple? Her thoughts swirled and tumbled as she lifted the gun. Her eyes never leaving the muzzle as it turned towards her and raised up towards her face. Her lips parting slightly as the muzzle rose up. It would be so easy. She imagined how the gun would taste as it entered her mouth. A slight upward tilt and a gentle tug on the trigger was all it would take for there to be a deafening roar followed by an endless silence.

She thought again of the sight of all the bodies covered in radiation burns. Clarke quickly lowered the gun. Her breathing was heavy and labored. She would not allow that thought to be last one she ever knew. The young blonde gasped, "What am I doing?" Even in her darkest moments during her year spent in solitary on the Ark she had never considered taking her own life. She refused to do it now.

Clarke thought again of all the lives that had ended because of her. She knew she needed to pay and suffer for her actions. She wondered if she could ever find a way to live with what she'd done, let alone find any kind of redemption for the horrors she was responsible for.

Clarke's insides began to swirl and bile rose in her throat. Her stomach clenched and she vomited. It was nothing but a small amount of thick yellow acid. There was nothing to throw up but her body tried anyway. She dry heaved for 5 minutes before her stomach finally began to calm down. Standing up on shaky legs she slightly lifted the open left side of her jacket and placed the gun in its holster. Taking a deep breath she focused on her surroundings. She turned west and began walking through the tall trees, beads of sweat dotted her forehead and the bitter taste of bile was still in her mouth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Redemption Chapter 2**

Chapter 2

Clarke has been walking for hours. The bright yellow sun is now in front of her as if it was leading her on her way. Not that she could really see it through the canopy of green that spread over her head. Not that she was really seeing anything for that matter. Her eyes were looking straight ahead but her focus was on the struggle going on inside of herself. Images were tumbling through her mind, flashing quickly from one to the next: The monitor that held the sight of her friends chained to a wall, the flash from the muzzle of a gun, the drill in the hand of a mountain man, her own hand tightening its grip around a lever, people slumped over tables with burns and blisters covering their bodies, green eyes pleading for understanding staring into her eyes before they turned away, her mom strapped to a table, Jasper's face as he held his lifeless love in his arms, and on and on. Endless torment that she was powerless to stop. She didn't think she would even try if she was able to. She deserved this and so much more. Clarke thought back to when Gustus was tortured and killed for his treachery. She had watched as cut after painful cut was carved across his flesh. She had spared Finn from that same torture and now she was thinking that if she was the one tied to a pole that there would not be enough room on her skin to hold the amount of cuts that she deserved.

The ground started rushing closer to Clarke's face, pulling her from her dark thoughts. She managed to raise her arms up, mostly breaking her fall and preventing herself from landing face first. Her knees hitting hard against the ground. She slowly pushed herself up until she was sitting up with her legs still folded underneath her. She glanced behind her at the exposed tree root that she had tripped over.

"I wonder if they notice that I'm gone," Clarke quietly thought to herself. "Would they send someone after me?" She knew that Bellamy wouldn't but her mom probably would. Bellamy understood why she had to leave. Hopefully it was still just Monty and Bellamy that knew she left. The more time that passed between her leaving and people noticing meant the more distance she could put between herself and Camp Jaha and the less likely it was that she would be found.

The broken blonde stood, wincing slightly at the pain in her knees. She wiped her hands together to rid them of the dried leaves and dirt that were stuck to her gloves. She glanced around at the quiet trees noticing that they seemed to thin out in front of her. Looking back at the ground she noticed that her trail was clearly visible. She would need to be more careful if she really didn't want anyone to find her. With an audible sigh she started walking again.

Clarke walked for about 10 more minutes until the trees opened up in front of her and she found herself on the edge of a small clearing, a meadow filled with what was probably the last wild flowers of the season. She found herself stopping again. This should have been a beautiful moment. It reminded her of a dream she once had before she knew what the earth was really like. When she was locked up alone on the Ark her thoughts of earth were the only thing that kept her from going crazy. She was thankful that she could see the earth through the window in her cell. She would have lost her sense of self if it wasn't for the means she had to draw her dreams out on every surface possible in her cell. She remembered this dream very well. She dreamt it many times. The sun shining on her face. The trees all around her. The smell of wildflowers on the slight breeze. It should have been a perfect experience, a dream come true. Reality was that she felt nothing, she may as well be stranded in space still. She found it kind of ironic how here she was living her one time dream and yet she felt more than she ever had before that she belonged in the sky. It was fitting and matched her insides. Cold, empty, dark, merciless, dangerous, and lonely.

Clarke thought back to her life on the Ark. She didn't realize until just now that her birthday had come and gone while she was busy trying to survive and keeping her friends alive and safe. She silently wondered if she would even be alive now or if she would have been floated after her review. Knowing the oxygen issue on the Ark she was fairly certain that she would have been floated. There is no way that the council would have let her go back to the general population of the station with the knowledge that she had. If there was even a remote chance of that then they never would have kept her locked up in solitary.

How many people would still be alive if she had never come to the ground? How many of the 100 would have survived without her? Had she really made a difference in their survival? Deep down inside she hoped so. Otherwise could there be any justification for her becoming the killer, the monster, which she was now? That very tiny spark of hope settled deep inside her chest. Perhaps someday that spark could grow into more and help heal her broken soul. Someday, but not now. The memories of the atrocities she had committed for whatever reasons were still too fresh, too raw in her mind. Hopefully they would not consume her entire soul before she could find a way to live with what she has had to become, with the things she has been forced to do, and with the things she had made others do to ensure their survival.

Clarke's gaze flitted across the meadow before she turned slightly to her right, walking around the clearing without quite leaving the cover of the trees. She had made it about a quarter of the way around when she paused. The direction she was now headed didn't feel right. Making a decision she turned and began walking across the open space. Her pace quickened in an unconscious desire to return to the cover of the trees. Once she had reached the other side, Clarke resumed her journey through the forest. She had altered her course slightly. No longer walking directly west but in a southwesterly route.

* * *

The sun was now low in the sky and still Clarke walked on. She knew she would have to stop soon. She was tired, so very tired. Her body, mind, and soul were exhausted. She could hear the faint sound of water murmuring in the distance. She needed water and she needed to find food.

Clarke reached the small stream, took off her gloves, and shoved them in the pocket of her jacket. She knelt down by the edge of the stream and drank her fill of water from her cupped hands. Once her thirst was sated she splashed the cool water over her face and neck to wash away the dirt and grime. She then pulled off her boots and socks, rolled up her pant legs, and soaked her tired feet in the gently running water. Eventually she pulled her feet out of the water and sat there by the stream's edge contemplating her plan for the night.

After putting her socks and boots back on she began looking around for the best place to make her camp for the night, collecting some dry wood as she walked. There was a clear spot in front of a large tree she decided would work. She noticed that there were also some bushes nearby that still held the late fall harvest of berries. Clarke set her wood in a pile and then began picking some berries. She ate the dark plump berries as she picked. Her stomach roared to life and made her aware of just how hungry she was. She ate her fill but was careful not to over indulge. She was wary of making herself sick.

It wasn't long before Clarke was sound asleep with her gun in her hand at the base of the wide tree. A small fire flickering in front of her to help keep away the building chill of the night. The sun had already set and the young leader's sleep was untroubled for the moment as the overwhelming exhaustion kept her mind still.

The temporary respite didn't last very long as the dark images began to once again invade Clarke's mind and flowed into her dreams.

* * *

Oden watched the girl as she slept. He had been woken up by the noise of Clarke's movement as she tossed and turned. He was close enough to hear her murmuring in her sleep but not close enough to make out anything that she was saying. He didn't know what happened at the mountain after his people had retreated. He only knew that there must have been some kind of battle still and that the sky people had some kind of victory because the young leader of the sky people had returned to their camp with their people that had been held prisoner.

The seasoned warrior had heard the stories about the fearless girl that had come from the sky and was the leader of her people. Stories of her bravery and strength. He had seen her actions as she stood against his people to save her own, as she fought for an alliance to help free both their people, and he had a respect for her. She was a good leader much like his own. He didn't know where the sky girl was headed or why she had even set off on her own and he had a feeling that she didn't either but he would follow her until she reached her destination. He would send word or return to The Commander as soon as he could. For now though, he was going to continue to keep his distance and follow from afar. He knew that is what The Commander expected him to do.

* * *

The sun was just starting to peak over the far horizon. Clarke has already been awake for hours and is sitting by the fire that she has kept burning throughout the night. Once her nightmares surfaced they kept her from sleeping much more and the sleep she did get was not very restful. She has just been sitting and staring into the flames trying to keep the dark thoughts at bay. Now that the sun was up though it was time for her to start her day. She needed to keep moving. She also knew she needed to make some other things priorities though. She needed food and more than just berries.

Walking through the trees, it didn't take Clarke long to find what she was looking for. She took the long thin stick back to where her fire was still going. She was glad that she still carried a knife in her jacket. It was crude and made with metal from the drop ship but it was sharp. She began whittling the end of the branch until she had a nice sharp point on the end. Standing she balanced the stick in her hand testing its weight. "Not as good as the grounder's spears, but it will do," she said to herself. With that she walked back to the stream she had stopped at the night before. She drank some water before taking off her boots and socks again. With her pant legs rolled up she waded out a few feet into the small stream. She had seen some large silver fish last night. Raising the spear up, she watched and waited. Seeing her target approach she waited until the right moment and then made her strike. She felt the tip of the spear glance the side of the fish and then bury itself into the soft mud at the bottom of the stream. She realized that the depth of the water was distorting her perception of where the fish actually was. With that in mind she waited again for a target to come her way. Adjusting the angle of the spear on more time she thrust it down through the water. She could feel it pass into the thick body of the fish and could feel it thrashing as she pinned it to the muddy bottom.

Clarke had cleaned the fish and it was now cooking on a large flat rock she had placed in the fire. She was currently picking as many berries as she could from the bushes and wrapping them in large leaves so that she could carry them with her. She wished she had something she could use for a bag but this would do for now. After eating, Clarke put out her fire and then went to the stream for a drink before setting off on her way again. She is going to need to get some supplies soon if she wanted to survive.

* * *

Oden was impressed with the Sky Leader. She was smart and resourceful. He followed far behind her after she had set out that morning. Careful to keep his distance all day. She was being careful of not leaving any marks for someone to track her. The sun had already set now and he had watched the young blonde as her routine before sundown mimicked her actions from the night before. Finding water, finding a place to set up for the night, gathering wood, building a fire, and even spearing another fish. He wondered again why and where she was going. He knew that she was not familiar with the area she was in or that she was headed to. He himself has served The Commander since she was chosen by the Commander Spirit. He has been a messenger and scout for her. He had been all across the land delivering messages for his Commander when she was forming the coalition between the 12 clans. He often went ahead to villages the Commander was traveling to so he could ensure that the proper preparations were completed before she arrived. He stood and stretched out his tall frame before setting out to scout the area for danger before settling down for the night.

The warrior stopped to check on the Clarke, she was already sleeping. Again she had her gun clenched in her hand. Her sleep was peaceful for the moment but he had a feeling that would change soon. He knew that the nightmares the blonde suffered from would take more of a toll on her unless she could find a way to get them to stop. Oden frowned as he ran a hand across his shaved head knowing that nobody could help the girl but herself.

* * *

Clarke's mind let her sleep for a couple of hours before the dreams started. Her body jerking slightly and her eyes darting back and forth underneath the closed lids. Her hands opening and closing into tight white knuckled fists. Her gun had dropped out of her hand and laid on the ground by her side.

In her dream she was surrounded by all the victims of the mountain. Mothers holding their dead children in their arms and asking her why over and over again. Clarke tried to get away but she was completely surrounded. Tears were streaming down her face as she tried to explain but the words would not come out. Only sobs of anguish and sorrow. The dead drew closer around her and she raised her hands to keep them back. It was then that she noticed that her hands were covered in blood. She tried to wipe the blood off on her shirt but her clothes were covered as well. The dead had closed in on her as she was distracted by the blood. They began clawing at her clothes and her skin. Dragging her down as she tried to fight free.

Clarke woke up and quickly jerked upright. Her breathing was fast and uneven. Her eyes were wide with terror and her heart was pounding in her chest. Realizing where she was she began to try and calm herself down. Once her breathing was normal she drank some water she had brought to her camp in a large dry leaf and then added some more wood to the fire. Finally, the tired blonde laid back down and curled up on her side. She was facing the fire and staring into the flames when she finally drifted off to sleep again. Her mind was kind to her for a little bit longer, this time allowing Clarke to sleep for almost 3 hours before she started to dream.

She was in the Commander's tent. Lexa was standing behind her.

"Clarke, look at me. I need you to understand." She could hear Lexa's soft words coming from behind her.

That voice affected her more than she would ever want to admit. She wanted more than anything to turn around and look into those green eyes and find some sort of comfort. The brunette's eyes always had a way of calming her.

"Clarke."

Clarke felt Lexa's hand as she placed it on her shoulder. She felt the pressure as she gently pulled to turn her towards her. Clarke did so slowly but kept her eyes closed. "She left me to die. How can I look at her?"

"Clarke.…" Lexa tried again.

Clarke slowly opened her eyes and her heart caught in her throat as she saw the caring and concern in the Commander's eyes.

Lexa leaned in closer to Clarke. Her lips brushed across the blonde's cheek before stopping at her ear. She could feel those lips whispering against her ear as she spoke. "Clarke, I need you to understand that I never cared about you. You are weak and allowed me to use you to free my people. Now you will suffer the fate you deserve."

Confusion crossed Clarke's face and then she felt the burning pain as the dagger entered her stomach. She wanted to ask why but the words would not come. She only looked at the twisted features on the Commanders face as she felt the dagger being twisted and shoved further into her. The scream she tried to let out dying in her throat as the breath left her body.

Clarke was now awake but she was frozen in place. Her body felt paralyzed by the terror that still gripped her. She was not prepared to face anything like that. She went to sit up but was stopped by a foot pushing her back down and then a sword was pushed against her throat.


	3. Chapter 3

Redemption Chapter 3

 **A/N: I know the story has been a little dark and I'm sorry but it will probably be for a while. That's just where Clarke is in her journey. She needs to be able to work things out before she can find herself again. If she ever does... ;)**

 **Seriously though, thank you for reading, following, and reviewing** **and I hope you stick with it to see how it turns out.**

Chapter 3

Clarke was trying to shake off the sleep that still had hold of her mind. She was disoriented and fighting to comprehend the weight on her chest and the sharp point at her throat. She looked up into the green eyes staring at her from above. They were full of anger and hatred yet still way too familiar and caused emotions to flow within her body. Then Clarke grew angry. She was the one that was betrayed. She was the one who deserved to be angry. Lexa had no right. If it wasn't for Clarke then none of the grounder prisoners or reapers would have been rescued. In all these years the grounders never had a chance of defeating the mountain men. They didn't even know that some of their people were locked up inside being held as prisoners until the mountain men could use them for their blood until she told them. They had never been able to cure a reaper until she did. Clarke was not the one that betrayed the Commander. She was the one that had been betrayed and she was the one who should rightfully be angry.

The anger cleared the sleep from her mind and she glared at the person standing above her. It was then that she realized it was not the person she thought. The dark brown eyes staring down at her belonged to a grounder she doesn't remember ever seeing before. He had a scar that ran across his face from his ear to the corner of his mouth. The scar making the snarl of his lips turn up into a grotesque lopsided sneer. Clarke slowly slid her left hand around feeling for her gun. She didn't want to take her eyes off of this man's. She didn't want to give him the opportunity to do something while her eyes were elsewhere. She felt the tip of her finger brush over the cold metal and she prepared herself to grab it. Just then she felt the weight lifted from her chest only to feel a tightness clamp around her right arm as the man pulled her to her feet. He roughly twisted her arm behind her back, turning her around, and shoving her front into the tree. Her left arm was pinned between her stomach and the rough bark.

 _"What do we have here?"_ He snarled at her.

Clarke heard him but couldn't quite understand. She had picked up some Trigedasleng but didn't recognize exactly what he was saying. By the look she had seen in his eyes, whatever it was she didn't think it could be good. Clarke needed to get to her gun.

"Let me go," she said defiantly. Her raspy voice was low and demanding.

The man still held the sword in his other hand but it was hanging down by his side. In response to her demand he raised his arm up bringing the sword to the front of her neck. He pulled up on her arm that was twisted behind her back causing Clarke to hunch forward to try and counter the additional pain. This action pushed the blade closer against the skin of her neck. She could feel the sharp bite as it cut into her skin. This caused Clarke to slightly straighten up away from the blade but she could feel the pressure more on her arm. Clenching her jaw shut she refused to cry out in pain. The unknown grounder only laughed.

 _"Such a strong spirit. I like that."_ His voice was right in her ear as he pressed himself against her.

Clarke could smell him. He smelled of dirt and forest and the strong musky smell of someone who has not bathed in a while. Her stomach rolled and she could feel panic begin to rise at the thought of what this man could do to her, what he wanted to do to her. He leaned forward and licked the side of her face. His tongue traveling along her jaw and to her ear lobe that he then sucked into his mouth while grinding himself hard against her backside. Revulsion filled Clarke's body and she began to struggle to free herself from the man's hold. This only caused him to push harder against her and laugh again in her ear. She could feel his increase of excitement as he continued to grind himself against her. She could feel something else too, the knife that was in the inside pocket of the jacket she was still wearing.

 _"Yes, I really like that."_ She could hear the arousal in his voice.

Clarke tried to block his actions from her mind and focused on sliding her hand into her jacket until she could wrap her hand around the handle of her crude knife. Now she just needed a way to give herself some room to pull it out and use it. She felt his breath on the back of her head as he leaned in to smell her hair. This was her chance and she didn't waste any time. She brought her head forward then threw it back as hard as she could. She heard the loud crack as his nose exploded from the force of the impact with the back of her head. His sword dropped from her neck as she felt him slightly stagger back away from her and she knew that this was her only chance. He still had hold of her arm but she had to try. If she didn't succeed then his anger would be the end of her. Pulling the knife free from its hiding place she turned as fast as she could while bringing the blade up. She could feel the muscles and bones in her captured arm protesting but she pushed the pain away as she slashed the knife across his throat.

Her attacker did not expect this and he dropped his sword and brought both of his hands up to his neck. It didn't stop the blood that flowed over his fingers. He slowly dropped to his knees and Clarke could see the life fade out of his eyes before he slumped over to the side. Clarke took a deep shaky breath and stepped back until her back was up against the tree that she had been shoved up against just moments before. She bent to wipe the blade clean on the ground before placing it back into her jacket. She knew that she was justified in taking his life but it didn't stop the weight of another death being added to the heavy burden she already carried.

"I am death," she whispered as her eyes shimmered with unshed tears.

* * *

Oden had not been awake long. It was still very early morning and he had already refilled his water skins and was arranging his pack to travel for the day. He knew the Sky Leader would be up soon. Her nightmares hadn't seemed as bad tonight. She had a few hours of sleep before her soft cries had woken him. He had gone to check on her and had watched her wake up. He could tell she was shaken by whatever haunted her sleep. She had gone back to sleep soon after and he hoped that she would be able to get a few more hours of sleep. He knew how exhausted she was. That had been hours ago and now he could hear her cries again as whatever demons invaded her sleep dug their claws into the young girls mind again. He rose from his seat on an old log to go check on her. He had only taken a couple of steps when he heard a blood curdling scream come from the blonde. He quickened his steps but kept quiet as usual. He had only gone a few steps when he sensed that something else was wrong. Slowing he made his way cautiously to where the blonde had set up her camp that night. He heard rustling sounds and a low voice that he knew did not belong to the girl. Quietly winding his way through the trees he could finally see what was happening. There was a man, an outcast by the looks of him, he had the girl pinned against a tree and was pushing himself against her. He was sickened by the thought of what this man would do next. He knew that he had to do something before the situation escalated. He drew his bow and notched an arrow into the string. Then he watched in slight amazement as the strong young woman threw her head back into her tormentor's face. He could hear the sickening crunch of bone cracking and knew she had broken his nose. He saw her whip around and slash at her attacker. He could see the light from the early morning sun shine on the blade in the girl's hand as she slit his throat open. He knew the strength and intelligence the young leader possessed but was still struck with awe as he watched the man collapse to the ground dead. He saw the sky girl stumble backwards and lean against the large tree that she had been pinned against moments before.

* * *

The young blonde felt that she was being watched. Swooping down she grabbed her gun and pointed it directly in front of her. Her eyes were darting around searching for the presence she felt. Then she saw him. He was standing in the trees just 30 feet away. He had a bow in his hands that was pointed her way.

"Move and you will join your friend," Clarke said as she turned her hand slightly to bring her gun in line with the warrior.

"He is not a friend. From the looks of him he has none," Oden replied as he lowered his bow.

Clarke took a few steps forward, gaze and gun unwavering. "Then what are you doing here with him?"

His answer was simple, "I am not here for him."

Clarke took a few more steps forward. She knew the answer even before she asked the question "Why are you here then?"

Oden removed the arrow from the bow and placed it back in the quiver he had strapped to his back and then slid his bow over his shoulder. He knew that she would not be happy with his answer but he also knew that he could not lie to her because she already knew. "I have been following you since you left your camp."

Clarke could feel the anger bubbling up inside of her. "Did your Commander send you after me?"

The seasoned warrior decided to keep things simple. "My name is Oden, three others besides myself were sent to watch your camp to see if you and your people returned from the mountain or if you stayed to fight and perished. The deal with the mountain men kept us from returning to the mountain directly to find the outcome. When you entered the forest instead of your camp I was sent to follow you. One left to return to the Commander to report and the others stayed to watch your camp."

Clarke walked slowly up to the warrior closing the distance between them. He could see a small glimmer of fire shine in her blue eyes. He could sense the anger radiating from her body. He may have been larger in stature than her but her presence left no question that she was a born leader. "It is no longer my camp. I am no longer a concern to your COMMANDER. She gave up that right when she left me to die on the doorstep of the mountain. You will return back to her and give her a message from me."

Oden could not deny the commanding presence of the girl. He had not had much interaction with her before but he knew now that her title of leader of the sky people had been well earned. There was no doubting the strength and leadership she possessed. He watched as she walked back to where the embers of her fire still glowed. She bent and picked something up and then walked back to him. She handed the object to him and he glanced down at it. Confusion crossed his face for just a second before he looked back up to meet her gaze.

Clarke slightly cleared her throat and swallowed. She inhaled a breath and prayed that she could keep the trembling out of her voice. "You will tell your Commander that the sky people have the reapers that were rescued in the tunnels. I know that they will be helped and returned to your people when they are well. She would be wise to try and salvage some kind of an alliance with the sky people even though she broke the previous alliance when she betrayed me...us...them on the mountain. Although her deal to free her people from the mountain worked there is now nobody left in the mountain to honor that deal."

Oden was shocked by the information he was just told. He knew the surprise showed on his face before he composed himself again and waited for the girl to continue, hoping that she would explain fully what she meant by that. He knew that there had been hundreds of people in Mount Weather.

"I know that together our people would have defeated the mountain but as I was told, plans do not last long in battle and I had to change mine since I was left alone. Instead of sparing the lives of the innocent in the mountain I was forced to kill them all." Seeing confusion and disbelief flicker across his face, she continued, "I did what I had to do to save my people and the cost was my soul and the lives of all of the mountain men taken by my own hand, including their children and the people that helped me and mine. Actions do not come without a price. You now know what my price was and you will tell the Commander that the price of her betrayal was the life of the Sky Leader. Clark, the Leader of the Sky People, did not survive the battle at Mount Weather. There is no use in following a ghost so she is not to send anyone else to look for me."

While talking, Clarke had reached up and grabbed a section of her hair. She quickly twisted it into a tight braid. She now pulled the knife out of her jacket and with the recently used blade she cut through the base of the braid. Handing it to the silent warrior she added, "I wish to rest in peace. Ai gonplei ste odon."

The last sentence came out as barely more than a whisper. Oden saw the fire fizzle out of her eyes, leaving them dull and empty. He watched her turn and walk away. He understood the burden carried by great leaders and now understood what it was that haunted the girl's dreams. Her spirit was broken by the choices she has had to make. He now also understood the reason why she did not enter her camp but chose to be on her own and he also understood why he saw the girl lift the gun to take her own life. He was glad that she didn't. He knew that meant that somewhere inside she wanted to live. He knew it might take a while to learn how to live with the weight of her decisions but he knew that she would. He stared down at the two items he held in his hands. The Commander will be angry at him for not staying with the girl but he knew that it would be best to respect the young blonde's wishes and deliver her message. He knew that the girl would not hesitate to kill him if he tried to follow anyway. Oden has always been silent, observant, and loyal. This is why he was a trusted member of the Commander's circle of personal guards. He had spent time around the two women during the time they were preparing for battle. Of course he was always on the periphery and of course he would never say or acknowledge anything but he knew that the relationship between the two leaders was something more than just an arrangement made necessary for the good of their people, even more than just a friendship. He could see the hurt of his Commander's betrayal reflected in Clarke's eyes. He hoped their paths would meet again when they were both ready for the chance to continue to develop whatever it was between them. They were good for each other and brought out the best in the other. He looked up at Clarke one final time and saw her looking down at the body of the man she had killed. He silently wished her safe on her journey before he turned and walked away.

* * *

Clarke stared down at the man she had killed. Blood covered the lower half of his face from his obviously broken nose. She knew that the gaping hole in his throat is something that she would see again and again. Just one more thing to haunt not only her dreams but her waking thoughts as well. She contemplated what to do with the body. She didn't have any tools to dig a grave for him. She still wanted to put as much distance between her and Camp Jaha, especially now that she knew that she had already been followed. Even after what he did to her, she couldn't just leave him lying there like that.

An hour later and Clarke was finished with her work. She had covered the body with rocks the best that she could. She had searched him first for anything she might be able to use. Besides his sword he had two daggers on him. She now had one in each of her boots and his sword strapped to her waist. She found it a bit awkward since she had never really used or carried one before. With her bullets being limited she figured that she would need to learn how to use it. She had been surprised that he did not have anything else on him. That meant that he had a camp or something close by.

After cleaning up and getting a drink at the stream, Clarke headed on her way. She ate a few berries that she still had but had to force herself to do so. Her stomach was still upset from the events of the morning. Clarke began walking again in the same southwest direction she had been heading towards the day before. She was trying her best to focus to the sounds around her. She had unknowingly been followed for days and then attacked this morning. She didn't want either to happen again. After walking for about 10 minutes she heard a rustling coming from up ahead. Walking as quietly as she could she circled around the area to put a little more distance between herself and where the noise was coming from. This also put her uphill giving her the advantage of being able to see before being seen. At least she hoped so. Clarke parted the bushes in front of her and saw two horses that were tethered to a tree. One had a saddle on and the other was loaded with supplies. Clarke quickly scanned the area, her heart pounding in her chest. The owner couldn't have been far if he left the horses loaded up like that.

Clarke watched for an hour. She debated over and over with herself on whether or not she should just leave the area. Something else kept nagging in the back of her mind that kept her in her place watching. Finally she decided to acknowledge that small thought. The reason the man who attacked her didn't have any supplies on his was because what he had was right there in front of her. Making up her mind she decided to go down and claim what was now hers. She knew she would most likely find some much needed items such as water skins and furs. The weather would be turning colder very soon. The main thought in her mind though was that on horseback she could cover ground faster and be harder to track. She thought again of her conversation with Oden. She wondered how Lexa would react to her message. Clarke was hurt by Lexa leaving her on the mountain and she wanted the other woman to know how it felt.

"Lexa," Clarke breathed. Beautiful green eyes filled her mind and her own eyes filled and glistened before she managed to clear the thoughts from her mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was still a few hours before sunrise but Lexa knew there would be no more sleep for her. She was lying in bed deep in thought. Her people have been busy cleaning up the rubble at Tondc and fortifying the broken structures that could be salvaged. Plans for rebuilding were well underway. She has already sent messengers to Polis with a list of supplies that would be needed to help with the rebuilding and to help the people of Tondc make it through the approaching winter. The leaders of some of the closer clans have also agreed to send supplies to help. She also requested supplies for the sky people at Camp Jaha. She knew that they would need the help even if they wouldn't want to accept it. She knew that Abby and her team were taking care of the reapers they had saved from the tunnels. She hoped they would at least accept the help for that even if they wouldn't agree to a new alliance of some sort. She hadn't approached them yet about that. She wanted to wait until she had something to give them to show that she really meant to have peace with them. She owed them that. She owed Clarke that. She has been receiving regular reports from Maka and the other scouts at Camp Jaha. There has still been no sign of the mountain men or of Clarke, and Oden has not been heard from yet. Tomorrow will be five days since the young leader walked away into the forest. During that time Lexa's free moments, which have been few except for the nights, have been spent in thought of the blonde. Sleep was becoming a stranger to her because that is when she definitely could not shut off her thoughts. All of the time spent with Clarke replayed over and over in her mind. Especially the last moments she had with the girl. Something must have happened to cause her to leave the people she fought so hard to save.

"Why would you leave, Clarke?" She quietly voiced to herself. "Where are you going?"

She wondered for the thousandth time if Clarke was ok. How she wished she could see her face. To have her close by her side again. She wondered if Clarke could ever understand why she made the decision she did and if she could forgive her. Every time she closed her eyes she could see those beautiful blue eyes pleading with her not to leave.

"I'm sorry." The softly uttered words faded into the darkness of tent.

* * *

The afternoon sun was warm on her face as Lexa made her way through the village and she was almost back to her tent when Indra approached her.

 _"Commander, there is a report from Camp Jaha_."

Lexa quietly sighed. This was becoming routine. _"Tell Maka that when he is ready I will be in my tent."_ She turned to continue on her way.

 _"Maka did not come this time, Commander. It is Oden_." Indra carefully watched her leader to see what her reaction would be.

Lexa froze. Her breath caught in her throat. She had to force herself to exhale. She slowly turned and studied Indra's face. There was no indication that she knew what Oden's news would be. Swallowing the lump in her throat she kept her voice low to keep any emotion from revealing itself. _"Send him to me."_

With that she turned back around and covered the short distance to her tent. Her mind was racing at top speed. She couldn't help thinking if Oden's presence meant that Clarke had returned to Camp Jaha or if something had happened to the girl. So many thoughts and images sped through her mind.

Lexa was already seated in her throne when Oden walked in and approached her.

 _"What news do you bring, Oden? Has the sky leader returned to her people?"_

Oden had thought and thought about the best way to deliver the Sky Leader's message to his commander. He knew the best way was to just be as straight forward and true as possible, no matter what the consequence was. He reached in his pocket and pulled out the two items that Clarke had given him. Stepping forward he held out the items holding one in each hand.

 _"I bring a message for you."_

Lexa saw what her warrior was holding and her first reaction was disbelief and then her heart stopped beating. She tentatively reached out and took the blue spaulder out of his hand while trying to ignore the braid of bright blonde hair he held in his other hand. She thought of how she had the shoulder armor made for the leader of the sky people to wear so everyone would know her status as a leader. It was blue to match her jacket. Blue was Clarke's color. It complimented her blonde hair and made her eyes shine a brighter blue. Blue was the color of the sky that brought the girl to her. Blue was Lexa's favorite color and had been since she first looked into the eyes of the beautiful blonde.

Not able to ignore the other item any longer, Lexa reached out and took it. A lump formed in her throat as she looked at the familiar color and felt the silky softness. She remembered the feel of that hair when she had kissed Clarke. She had longed to feel it again, but never imagined it would be like this. She couldn't swallow, she couldn't breathe. Her vision started swimming and going dark around her and all she could hear was the pounding of her heart growing louder and faster and she felt like it was going to explode in her chest. Her world shattered in that moment. Clarke was dead and it was her fault. If only she had stuck to their plan. If only she hadn't left her there. She knew when she made the decision to take the deal with the mountain men that this was a possibility. That the sky girl's death was almost guaranteed. Her only hope had been that Clarke would have walked away but she knew even then that the strong young leader would not abandon her people. The pain and anguish began to push and shove at her insides demanding to be let out. Someone would pay for this. Clarke's death would not go unanswered.

Lexa felt someone shaking her shoulder and on instinct she drew a dagger and held it at her attacker's throat. It took a moment to realize that it was Oden in front of her and he was saying something but she couldn't hear his words. It took a moment for the pounding of her heart to fade in her head as other sounds began to finally reach her ears.

 _"Commander. Commander. She is not dead. Clarke still lives."_ Oden repeated again. He had been trying to get through to the Commander for several minutes now since he realized she thought the sky leader was dead. After failing to do so he tried to physically get her attention by touching her shoulder then shaking it gently when she still didn't respond knowing he was risking his own life by doing so. His commander still hadn't said anything but she had lowered her blade and was looking again at the items she held so Oden continued.

 _"It was Clarke of the sky people that told me to give these to you along with a message."_

Lexa inhaled and let the breath out slowly composing herself. She put her dagger back in its sheath and placed the spaulder and lock of hair onto the armrest of her throne. Her gaze lingered on them for a moment before she looked at her trusted warrior and waited for him to speak.

Lexa listened as Oden began telling her everything that had happened since he followed after Clarke when she left Camp Jaha.

Lexa had a hard time containing her emotions. Anyone watching her wouldn't have known this as her stoic demeanor was in place, but her internal struggle raged. Her heart ached for Clarke when Oden told her about how the sky girl had broken down with sobs racking her body and tears streaming down her face shortly after walking away from the sky people's camp and of how she had almost taken her own life then. Anger and disgust soared through her body as she heard him tell of the man who nearly violated her beloved Clarke. Then she was flooded with guilt and sorrow as Oden delivered Clarke's message to her. Again she asked herself how she could have abandoned Clarke and the sky people. She knew at the time that it was what she had to do as the leader of her people but she had questioned that decision every second since then. She wanted to be angry with Oden for leaving Clarke alone but she knew the young leader was fierce and she knew her determination. She knew he had made the right decision by returning to deliver her message but knowing that Clarke was alone out there in a world that was still new to her and that could be very dangerous filled her with dread. Again she wondered what happened inside the mountain that left Clarke the way that she was. She knew from Oden's message that all of the mountain people had been killed, but she didn't know how.

Once Oden had left her tent she called for Indra. It seems like they would need to approach the sky people sooner than she had wanted.

* * *

Kane was approaching the gate, he had been checking on Abby when he was told that the Commander and Indra were at the gate and wanted to speak to him. The Commander's presence had already drawn the attention of a small group of people.

"Commander. Indra." Kane's greeting was short. He was curious about why Lexa was there. He understood why she had made the decision she had but he knew that others were angry about what happened. He didn't expect her to show up here.

"We have things that need to be discussed, Marcus of the sky people."

Glancing around at the still growing crowd, Marcus decided it would be best if he went out to talk to her instead of allowing her inside the camp. He walked over to one of the guards at the gate and after saying a few words the guard opened the gate just enough for Kane to go through. The guard then closed the gate and signaled for a few other guards to move closer to keep anyone from trying anything.

Lexa turned and began walking. She stopped a short distance away, enough to keep their conversation private. Indra and Marcus followed her. Her own guards maintained their position a small distance away where they had stopped when Lexa and Indra had approached the gate. They were still close enough to protect their commander if the need arose.

"Marcus, I understand if you do not trust me after the mountain. I assure you that I never intended to leave your people there. As commander I had to make the best decision for my own people."

Kane held up a hand to stop her. "I understand why you did it Commander. I know that some of my people do not feel the same. If you are here about your people we brought from the tunnels then I can tell you that they are being taken care of and that we have every intention of letting them return to you when they are able to. Right now they are still recovering and need to be watched and restrained until the drugs completely leave their system. Many of them have been on the drugs for a long period of time and will need more help with the withdrawals than Lincoln needed."

"Thank you Marcus. That is only part of the reason I am here. Our people need to find a way to live together. There is not enough time before winter comes for you to collect the food and supplies you need for your people to survive. My people can help teach yours how to survive. I'm willing to work out a deal that will guarantee you land and protection. These are things that I have discussed with Clarke..."

"Clarke isn't here, Commander," Kane said quickly cutting off whatever it was Lexa was going to say. Something began to stir in his mind and after a pause he added, "but I suppose you knew that already or you would have asked for her instead of me."

Lexa merely gave a slight nod of her head. Her lack of verbal response caused the gears to spin in Marcus' head. "Is she with you? Is that where she went?"

"No, Marcus. I have not seen her since the mountain." Lex's hand wanted to reach into the inside pocket of her jacket where she carried the blonde braid that was her only connection left to the girl that meant so much to her. "I received a report from one of my scouts."

"You know where she is?" The hope was evident in Kane's voice.

Lexa was silent for a moment. She thought again of the slight bump in her pocket as she wondered how much she should tell him. "Tell me what happened in the mountain and I will tell you what I know of Clarke."

Kane could tell that Lexa knew something. It wouldn't hurt anything for him to tell her how the mountain was defeated. All she had to do was send scouts to Mount Weather and she would be able to figure it out herself. He knew how worried Abby was about Clarke. Nobody had noticed that Clarke was even gone for a while. Things were a little chaotic with their return to Camp Jaha. Kids were reunited with parents. The reapers and the injured needed to be cared for. Those parents that were holding on to hope that their children were with the others from Mount Weather needed to be consoled. Bellamy and Monty were able to fill them in on what had happened to their children. Some were lost at the drop ship in the battle against the grounders. A few were lost in the mountain. Abby had been stuck in medical because of her leg and from there she was still trying to direct care of the injured. It was a few days before she finally started wondering why Clarke hadn't been to see her and that's when she started asking about her but nobody could find her. When Bellamy was finally questioned he revealed that Clarke never entered the camp once they returned. He didn't say any more than that only that Clarke had her reasons why she left alone. Abby wanted to send people out to search for her but they just couldn't spare anyone at the moment. Octavia and Lincoln were sent to the few places nearby that she could have been but there just hadn't been any sign of her.

After a moment Kane told Lexa what had happened at the mountain. How Clarke had shot Dante and tried to reason with Cage. He told her how Clarke was left with no choice but to flood the level with radiation killing all of the mountain people. Abby had told him what Clarke had said to her after and he told this now to Lexa, how Clarke had tried to be the good guy but was left with no choice but to be the monster that killed everyone.

Lexa was silent for a moment once Kane had finished telling the story. She knew how much that decision must have weighed on the young blonde and her heart ached for her. She was used to making the hard decisions that often resulted in death but she knew that Clarke wasn't and how Clarke felt the death of every life she had taken. She now understood better what Clarke must be going through and how she had walked away to try and deal with what she had been forced to do. The wave of guilt her hit hard because she knew that Clarke wouldn't have had to make the decisions she did if she hadn't accepted the deal Emerson gave her. The sky leader had every right to hate her. She wished more than ever that could go and find Clarke and help her through this. Even if Clarke never forgave her she could still help her deal with the deaths that weighed on her soul.

Standing a little taller she told Kane how Oden had run into Clarke in the forest. She didn't tell him everything. She didn't tell him that Oden had followed her or about her breakdown or about the man that attacked her. She didn't feel like it was her story to tell. She didn't tell him about the items Clarke had given her warrior. She knew the blonde meant those as a message just for her. She did tell him that Clarke was struggling with what she had been forced to do and wanted to be left alone to come to terms with it.

"It was never my intention to leave your people, Marcus. I hope you can accept the help I'm offering you. Supplies should be arriving soon from Polis. I'll be in Tondc until the supplies arrive and then I'll be returning to Polis. Take a few days to think about my offer of an alliance. We can work out the details when you are ready to talk."

Kane knew he would have to discuss the matter with Abby and what was becoming their new council, but he really wanted to work something out. "Thank you Commander. I should be able to get back with you in the next few days."

"I will leave two of my men here. They will send for me when you are ready to talk." With that Lexa turned and walked away.

After mounting her horse she pressed a hand to her chest. She could feel the small bump in her jacket. She looked through the forest to her left. "Clarke," she whispered as she briefly closed her eyes then turned her horse towards Tondc.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It's been over 3 weeks since Clarke sent Oden off with her message for Lexa. She knew that the Commander would be hurt by her message but that's what she wanted. She wanted the brunette to feel how she did. She wanted her heart to break as hers had. She wanted her to understand what her betrayal had cost. She traveled by horseback until the mountains became smaller and the trees became thinner. She rode until she came within sight of a very large river then made her way along the banks for a while. She soon realized the path she was following was turning into what appeared to be a well-used road. Slightly curious she followed until she could see a village in the distance. Quite a large village. Only then did she turn and head away from the river. She soon found her way back up into the foothills of the mountains and to a cave she had camped at the night before. The entrance was small and hidden but once inside it widened out into a large cavern with several small caverns branching off in the back. The weather had turned colder and snow had been falling on and off leaving a light covering on the ground. Clarke decided that this was a good place to make a more permanent camp. There were no visible trails, animal or otherwise that lead to it. She had found it by accident while chasing a boar. She knew she couldn't bring the horses with her and wasn't quite sure what to do with them once winter was fully upon her but for now she took to tying them up in a small clearing a short distance away.

She's been at the cave for almost two weeks. It was getting harder and harder to control her thoughts. They seem like a constant nonstop torture of her deeds. She tried to keep herself busy, to focus on one task after another. It hadn't been as bad when she was traveling since she had to be more aware of her surroundings but now with more time on her hands images and thoughts of everything that happened since she came to the ground kept surfacing. She knew she was losing her grip on her sanity. She had begun talking to the dead that walked with her. She had tried to apologize to them at first but could never get the words out. She knew deep inside that the lives she took were not without reason. She'd thought about it a million times and knew that she couldn't have made any other choices that would have saved her people. If only Lexa hadn't abandoned her she wouldn't have had to kill all those people. Yes, some of them would have died to save both their people but she knew that going in. Just as she knew that some of their own people would probably have been lost in the battle as well. She never expected to be faced with the choice she had to make. She still doubted that decision though. Was it worth taking over 300 lives to save the lives of less than 50 of her people? Especially since most of those killed were innocent. Were they even her people? She's sure that most of them never liked her, probably even despised her. She never wanted to lead them. She never wanted to be the one in charge, but it was in her nature to take care of others and that was all she was trying to do. She was just trying to make sure they all survived but that resulted in her making decisions she never thought she would ever have to. She had never thought that she would be the cause of taking another's life. She couldn't change the past, she could only try to come to terms with her actions and that meant facing the ghosts of the dead. She had tried pleading with them to leave her alone but they stayed. Her constant companions following her everywhere. They were there when she went to get water. They followed her through the trees as she gathered wood or hunted. They had always stayed just at the edge of her vision. Disappearing when she tried to focus on them, but they were getting bolder. Fading slower when she turned her gaze on them. Walking closer as she went about her day. Sitting with her in the fire light after the sun set.

"Leave me alone!" The desperate plea did nothing to dispel the image of two children standing next to her holding a soccer ball. Looking at their blistered skin brought tears to her eyes. "I had no choice." Her silent whisper uttered in the cave was heard by nobody but herself.

Standing up she arranged the wood in the fire so it would burn low and slow throughout the night. She then made her way to the pile of furs that served as her bed. The children followed her. Their unseeing eyes staring through her as she pulled the furs around her. The sun had set hours ago but Clarke, as usual, stayed awake as long as possible. When she was that exhausted she could fall quickly into a deep sleep and keep the nightmares away for at least a little while. She made sure her gun and daggers were placed nearby in case she needed them. She didn't have to look to know that her uninvited guests were still standing there.

"What do you want from me?"

Their answer was the same as always...silence. She pulled the fur over her head to block out the sight of them.

Clarke woke up before the sun. Her throat was raw and dry. She wiped the fresh tears from her face. Somewhere deep inside she knew she couldn't go on like this much longer but she didn't know how to stop the dreams that kept her from sleeping or the phantoms that haunted her waking. She didn't know how to come to terms with the results of her decisions. She reached for the water bag she kept by her bed and drank deeply to soothe her throat. Sometimes her dreams caused her to scream in her sleep. Sometimes she woke up choking on the sobs that she had no control over. Lying back on the furs she came to a decision. Today was the day.

* * *

Every day since Clarke made her home in the cave she had gone to watch the grounder village from a distance. She was able to stay hidden in the trees and look down at the village nestled in the small valley. She had seen people coming and going. It was much larger than Tondc and seemed to be a trade center of sorts. She had been stocking up on supplies. Hunting and smoking the meat to hopefully get her through the winter but she knew it wouldn't be enough. She also has some nuts, berries, and some plant roots Lincoln had once shown her and the others that were good for eating, but it was so late in the season that she wasn't able to find much. One of the smaller rooms in the cave was perfect for smoking the meat. The air flowed from the main cavern into the small room and there was an opening in the top that allowed the smoke to exit out. The other small room she used to store her food supplies. She'd even been able to skin some of the larger animals and dried the furs out on racks she had lashed together with branches held together by tree bark and vines. She had learned some survival skills on the Ark and she had picked up a few from her time with the 100 as they pooled their knowledge to help themselves survive. She was also very observant and had watched the grounders during the time she spent with them. She certainly wasn't the best at any of it but she was determined. It had taken a great deal of courage for her to be able to clean anything larger than a rabbit. The first deer she killed nearly caused her to lose it completely and made her nightmares worse if that was possible. She has since learned how to force herself to not think about it and just get through it as quickly as possible.

Clarke loaded some extra furs and a few other supplies that she had found on the horses into a large bag and made her way to the grounder village. She wasn't sure what would happen once she reached her destination but she was hoping that nobody would know who she was and that she wouldn't have any trouble entering the village to see if she could trade for supplies. She was wearing a cloak that she had found on the horses and pulled the hood up over her head. She knew her blonde hair wasn't that common of a color among the grounders and she didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to herself. There was a gate and guards at the entrance of the village. She dismounted her horse as one of the guards approached her.

Clarke had to give up her weapons but there were no issues in entering the village. She was glad that she hadn't brought her gun. That would surely have raised some questions and probably would have caused a scene. She tied her horse up to a pole that seemed to be there for that purpose and was currently walking along looking at the different stalls. She was watching as grounders interacted with each other and goods were exchanged. She wasn't sure how comfortable she was with all of this but knew it was something she had to do. Near the end she sees a stall that is manned by a young girl that seems to be about her age. She has long light brown hair that is pulled up so that it is away from her face. She makes eye contact with Clarke and gives her an unexpected smile. The blonde takes a deep breath and returns the smile with a very small one of her own as she approaches her. The girl says something to Clarke but she doesn't quite understand. Seeing the confusion on her face the girl switches to English.

"What can I help you with?"

Clarke lets out a slight sigh of relief. She had been worried about her lack of knowledge of the language. "I'm in need of some supplies."

"What exactly are you looking for? As you can see I have a little bit of everything here." The girl's light brown eyes glance over Clarke taking in her somewhat ragged appearance.

Clarke finished securing her bag filled with her newly acquired items to her horse and quickly mounted to head out of town. She could feel someone watching her so she glanced up to see the young grounder looking at her before her attention is shifted to someone approaching her stall. Clarke turned to ride back out of the grounder village and to her home.

"Is that what it is?" She thinks to herself as she rides back into the foothills where the cave is located.

* * *

In the last few weeks, Clarke has made almost a dozen trips into town. She always trades with the same young grounder that she had traded with the first time. Besides needing the supplies, she noticed that her unwanted visitors disappeared when she was around the young shopkeeper. She had learned that her name was Emilee. Clarke's interactions with the grounder were becoming longer as their friendship grew. Emilee was always unassuming and never questioned Clarke about anything. Clarke had eventually volunteered her name and more recently would talk about her day. Her most recent hunt or the weather. Never anything about her past. She wasn't sure if it was the company she enjoyed or just the fact that she could have a bit of a reprieve from her unwanted guests. Occasionally she would catch something out of the corner of her eye but she would always focus her attention on the shopkeeper and whatever or whoever it was would disappear again. During these times she could focus on being just a person instead of being a leader or the monster she had turned in to.

Emilee could tell there was a story there by the blonde's appearance. She was pale and looked like she hasn't had a decent night's sleep in a long while. Her face seems gaunt and there are always shadows under her eyes. Her eyes always seem sad and empty. She noticed how occasionally those blue eyes would dart to the side as if seeing something or someone and often when that happened Clarke would mutter something under her breath. Emilee couldn't clearly hear what it was but it sounded like "go away". She could tell by the scars on the young girl's face that she had been through something not so nice and fairly recently as the scars were still pink and fresh looking. Clarke just seemed haunted and fragile yet she could see strength underneath it. She was puzzled by the blonde's lack of knowledge of Trigedasleng. It was the common language across the land, but still she never questioned. In fact she often repeated things she said in both languages. She had soon discovered that Clarke knew a little Trigedasleng and was a fast learner. So began the unasked for lessons. Emilee made it seem like it was a quirk of hers to repeat some phrases in both languages but she knew Clarke wanted to learn. The blonde also has a lack of knowledge in general of things that Emilee took for granted, such as knowledge of the basic grains her people grew, harvested, and stored. Even things about the land and people. Clarke seemed curious like everything was new to her. So most of the time while Clarke would sit and listen she would cover basic things about the land and food and people.

Clarke was currently sitting and listening as Emilee was talking about some news she had heard from someone that she had traded with earlier that morning. Apparently a group of outcasts had banded together and had been attacking nearby villages and raiding them for supplies. Clarke watched as Emilee sorted through her newest acquisitions as she was talking.

Emilee reached into a bag and pulled out the next item. "I don't think they would dare attack here since we are larger than the smaller places they've been hitting." She looked at the cover and binding of the book she was holding then absentmindedly flipped through the blank pages before closing it and setting it on a bottom shelf next to some charcoal sticks. "Especially since we received word last week that our warriors that went to fight in the Commander's army are on their way back home and could return at any time."

Emilee turned her focus back to the blonde and noticed how she was looking at the book she had just placed on the shelf. She had a strange look on her face. Almost a sense of longing.

Clarke forced her eyes back to the light brown ones in front of her. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat at the mention of the Commander. "It's good that your village will be well protected."

Emilee had told her that her village was called Knoxville. It was built on the remnants of an old world city by the same name. It was a central trade center for that area as Clarke had thought. It's central location was ideal for it to also serve as a meeting place between several clans when needed. Emilee had taken her on a tour of the village one day. She had been quite intrigued by the day to day activities of the people that lived there.

Clarke glanced at the sky. She realized that more time had passed than she thought and that the sun would soon set.

As if reading her thoughts, Emilee smiled at the blonde. "Let me grab your items."

Clarke returned the smile. "Thank you, Emilee." The sincerity was clear in the quietly spoken words even if the smile didn't reach her eyes. It never quite did.

* * *

Clarke placed the heavy bag on the ground inside her cave before exiting to go take care of the horse. A light flurry of snow began to fall as she made her way back. She stood silent and still outside the entrance for a moment looking up at the sky. The stars were not visible tonight due to the clouds that blocked out their view. The forest around her was quiet. For the first time in weeks she thought about the people she left behind. In particular she thought of her mom, Bellamy, Monty, Raven, Jasper, and Octavia. They had all been important to her. Clarke suddenly realized that she felt lonely. The year locked up alone had been extremely hard at first, but then she had thrown herself into her drawings and her dreams of life on earth. She knew that this time her solitude was something that she had chosen. She knew it was the right thing to do. There was no way she could look at the people she had saved and not grown to hate them for the things she had been forced to do to keep them alive. She knew that the demons that haunted her now would have still been with her at Camp Jaha and there would have been no way for her to deal with them and the constant reminder in the faces around her of why. She would still have been looked to as a leader and she physically, mentally, and spiritually just couldn't do that anymore. It had already weighed so heavily on her that she was left as barely more than a shell of a person. It was better this way. She had to figure out for herself how to live with whatever it was she had been forced to become.

Clarke picked the bag up as she entered the cave and headed towards her storage room. She had picked up some more grain that Emilee had shown her how to prepare. She also had some spices and some dried fruit. As she lifted the last sack of grain out of her bag she noticed something sitting in the bottom of the bag. She slowly reached in and removed the book she had seen Emilee holding earlier. Underneath the book were some charcoal sticks wrapped in a cloth. Clarke wondered why and how her new friend had placed them there. Holding them in her hands she walked back out to the main room. She placed them on her bed and then started a fire. She lit a few candles for some extra light.

After eating a quick dinner and banking her fire for the night, Clarke moved the candles near her bed and sat down. Picking up the book she ran her hands over the leather cover and down the binding. She opened it up and stared at the blank page for a moment. She hadn't drawn anything in what seemed like forever. In her cell on the ark she had drawn her dreams. She wasn't sure if she could even draw anything at all now. She picked out one of the charcoal sticks and touched it to the page. She had no idea what she wanted to draw. Clarke closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. Her hand began moving as soon as her eyes opened. She was lost in deep concentration. Her slow even breaths ghosting across slightly parted lips. The tip of her tongue pressed against the whiteness of her teeth. For once her mind was completely still. There were no thoughts, no horrors. Her only focus was moving the charcoal across the paper. She wasn't even thinking about what she was drawing. Her hand was simply copying an image that had been pulled out of her mind.

Clarke's hand finally stopped just over half an hour later. She gently set the charcoal aside and slightly shook her hand to relieve the cramps that had begun to set in. Her blue eyes finally moving to the open book. Instantly the emotions started flowing. She could feel the anger start to rise and she glared at the image on the page in front of her. She stared at the details on the face she had drawn. She slowly traced a finger along the edge of the jaw of the woman in the drawing and her anger started to slowly subside. She thought about the kiss they shared and the connection they had. At that time she had been sure that their relationship would have progressed. Clarke knew she had been falling for the strong leader. She knew it was something she wanted but wasn't quite ready for. She knew she had to deal with the current situation and the events that led up to it before she could fully commit herself to the beautiful brunette.

Clarke looked at the drawing some more. The image of Lexa she had drawn was of the last sight she had of her. She perfectly captured the look on her face of the moment that Clarke realized she had been betrayed. Clarke looked at the drawing and her heart broke again as it had in that moment. She closed the book as her chest tightened and the tears began to fall


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N A little bit shorter of a chapter, but something that needed to be let out. Thanks for reading, following, and reviewing.**

Chapter 6

The snow had continued falling on and off throughout the next day. Clarke spent the day inside by the fire with the book Emilee had given her. She purposely did not open it to the first page. She knew what was there and she knew that her heart couldn't handle looking at it again, not right now. It was hard enough capturing the images of her friends, but it was something that she had wanted to do. She honestly didn't know if she would ever see them again and she wanted to be able to capture their likeness before the details faded too far into her memory. She finished adding a few details to the last drawing and then flipped back through the pages. Again she was careful to avoid the first page. She had chosen memories of them that reflected their unique personalities.

Bellamy standing on guard by the wall of the drop ship. His face strong and determined, his dark eyes alert and focused. He was holding a rifle in both hands, the strap looped over his shoulder. He looked very much like the leader he turned out to be. She could not stand him at first. He was arrogant and reckless. She later learned that it was just a cover to hide his insecurities about what he had done on the Ark. She had come to rely on him and was forever grateful for what he had done to help their friends and to help and support her.

Monty and Jasper sitting together and laughing. Monty with his arm around Jasper and Jasper with his goggles on top of his head. Inseparable as always. She hoped that was still true and that Maya's death did not come between them. Monty may have programmed the vents but it was under her orders. She alone held responsibility for those deaths, including Maya's. Jasper and Monty had supported her from the beginning and she was glad for their knowledge and willingness to help out.

Raven bent over a work table, her hair pulled up off her face in a single pony tail. Concentration clearly marked on her face as she worked to put the radio together. Raven always oozed self-confidence. Her cocky, self-assured sense of self was admirable. She had been afraid that what happened with Finn would have come between them but Raven was always surprising with her strength and understanding. She had given encouragement when she had doubted herself and even after everything that happened still showed that she cared about her.

Octavia and Lincoln together of course. Both with black war paint smeared around their eyes and swords hooked to their backs. Clarke looked at the braids of the brunette's hair and thought back on how this Octavia made more sense than the young naive girl that took her first step on earth. Octavia never fit in on the Ark because she had been hidden away for most of her life but on the ground she found her place with the fierce grounder warriors. She and Octavia were not on good terms when Clarke left and she was sorry for that. She was sorry she had left Octavia to be bombed, she was sorry that she couldn't be the leader Octavia wanted her to be, and she was sorry that she just wasn't good enough. Clarke hoped that both of them would be able to rejoin the grounders someday.

For her mom she had reached back into her memories of life on the Ark. Back to a time when all she knew was love and safety. Back to when her parents were both alive and happy and in love. She had drawn them sitting at the table. She remembered that moment very clearly. They were eating breakfast and her dad had been telling a story that had both her and her mom laughing so hard that tears threatened to spill out of their eyes. Clarke was happy that she had captured the light that always seemed to have shined from her father's eyes. Her heart began aching with missing him so she quickly turned the page.

She knew it would only add to that feeling of longing and loss but she wanted to see him. Wells had been her best friend all of her life. All of her memories of life on the Ark up until the time she was locked up included Wells. They had always done everything together. She still regretted how mad she was at him, how much she blamed him for her father's death but she was glad that she was able to fix things with him in the end. She wished that she hadn't been so hard on him and she wished that she had been able to have more time with him.

Then there was Finn. She looked at the wide eyes and the easy smile, at the way his long hair framed his face. It had hurt when Raven had landed on Earth and she wished that Finn had said something before. She hadn't really know him but they had made a connection and she could feel herself starting to care about him and imagining what life could be like with him. Finn had made her first days on earth more bearable and for that she would forever be grateful. She knew she had told him that she loved him in the end. She wasn't sure and didn't want to really think about it but she might have done so because she knew he only had moments left to live and she wanted him to feel loved at the end while she took his life.

Clarke closed the book and reverently set it down on her bed. She sat there with tears streaming down her face and sobs shaking her whole body. It felt like she had just said her last good byes to all of them.

"May we meet again," she whispered and deep inside she sincerely hoped that one day they would, no matter how long that day was in coming.

* * *

Clarke woke early the next morning. Between her usual nightmares and the memories triggered by her drawings she had barely slept at all. She didn't have the energy to get up so she just laid in her bed for a while hoping that she could get a little more sleep. She didn't. After an hour Clarke resigned herself to the day and got up. She decided that she should try and eat something even though she wasn't hungry. She knew that she hadn't eaten much the day before. She never really did anymore. She prepared a small meal of dried fruit and some smoked meat. After eating she heated some water so she could clean herself. She wished she could jump in a lake or the river and take a decent bath, but it was way too cold for that. She at least wanted to be able to wash her hair but that just didn't seem possible. She'd have to see if she could pick up a small tub or something. She'd have to see if Emilee had something she could use. After dressing Clarke decided to go outside and get some air.

Clarke stopped right outside of the cave. She was in awe. She had seen snow before. The hard packed snow that lingered in the shaded spots high in the mountains and the small flurries that had fallen from the sky and dusted the ground, but she was not prepared for what awaited her outside. There was almost a foot of snow covering everything. She had never imagined how beautiful everything could look. The world looked so clean and pure and there was a quiet peacefulness in the air. It felt like she had stepped out into a different world. She took a few more steps and watched her feet sink down into the unmarked snow. Stooping down she scooped up a handful of the fluffy white substance with both hands. She could feel the cold wetness on her uncovered fingertips as she raised her hands up towards her face. She snaked her tongue out and surprised herself with a small giggle that escaped her throat as she felt the cold wetness melt in her hot mouth. It was a texture that she couldn't really compare to anything else she's experienced and the taste of pure clean water danced across her taste buds. She pressed the snow together between her palms until she made a ball that she then threw at a nearby tree branch. This caused the branch to move and drop its weight of snow down to the ground in a small avalanche. Clarke wandered around for a bit taking in the beauty of the newly transformed landscape. She just couldn't get over the marvel of the earth. She fell backwards allowing her fall to be cushioned by the almost powder like snow. She moved her arms and legs around as she had seen in old earth movies. Again a small sound escaped her throat and the corners of her mouth turned up slightly. She laid there halfway buried and for the first time in a long time she almost enjoyed being on the ground. Then the loneliness hit her again and she wished that she had someone with her to share this new experience with. Green eyes entered her mind and she pushed them away by shutting her eyes tightly.

* * *

Clarke had gone back inside the cave to grab her new book and was currently sitting in the same spot she used to sit and watch Knoxville from when she first arrived at the cave. It was a good view and she wanted to catch the winter beauty onto paper. The drawing was nearly finished. She had drawn the actual village and the crumbling old world structures around it and was completing the surrounding landscape. Her charcoal stick was currently tracing the curve of the river that ran alongside the village. Once finished, Clarke closed the book and decided she was going to head down and talk to Emilee for the rest of the afternoon. She wanted to thank her for the book and charcoal and wished that she had something to give her in return. That's when an idea came to her. Opening the book again she began drawing. She spent the next hour drawing the image of Emilee at her stand when she greeted Clarke that first day. She liked the way she was able to capture the smile on the girls face and the friendliness that showed in her eyes.

* * *

Emilee was alone at her stand when Clarke arrived. She had her back turned and was arranging things on the shelves when Clarke approached her. Sensing someone behind her the girl turned and the ready smile on her face grew larger as she saw the blonde walking towards her.

"Clarke! I was hoping the snow wouldn't keep you away long."

Clarke couldn't help the small tug at her lips as her mouth turned up in a barely noticeable smile before turning back down again. "I thought you would be happy not having me here to mope around."

Emilee's smile faltered slightly at Clarke's words but returned again as she decided to ignore them. "Come and sit for a while or are you in need of supplies today?

Clarke didn't answer but entered the stand through the door on the side and sat down in the extra chair Emilee had begun to keep there for her. She was nervous. She wasn't sure how to thank Emilee for the book. Emilee had no way of knowing how much drawing meant to her. Clarke placed the bag she was carrying on her lap and slid the straps of the bag off of her shoulder. Reaching inside she pulled out the book. Clarke knew Emilee was watching her but she kept her eyes on the book she now held in her hand.

Clearing her throat, Clarke began to speak. "Ever since I can remember, I have enjoyed drawing. It always amazed me how things seemed to come to life as I drew them."

Emilee could tell there was more. She knew that the blonde wanted to open up to her about this but seemed unsure of what she wanted to say. She watched as Clarke lifted her head and glanced at her, making eye contact before turning to look out the open front of the stall. Her gaze turning up to look at the sky. She watched as the blue eyes seemed to take on a faraway look.

"There was a time that was very hard for me and I don't think that I would have made it through without being able to draw. Being able to draw my dreams gave me the strength that I needed to be able to deal with..." Clarke's voice faded out for a moment as she drew in a few deep breaths. "To deal with the pain and loss I was going through. My dreams gave me hope and being able to give life to those dreams gave me the strength and courage I needed to deal with the situation. I haven't had the opportunity to do that for a while now and your gift has come at a time when I need that again. I know you deserve more thanks than I can give you and I wish that I could tell you more. You deserve to know more, but I'm just not ready." She couldn't control the quiver that had entered her voice as she thought of a time not so long ago when she had told somebody else that she wasn't ready. She swallowed hard and turned back to look at the young grounder. "I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your friendship and generosity. I'm sure you have had many questions that you have never asked and I know I'm not the best company to have around. I don't know how to tell you how much I appreciate the space and the friendship you have given me."

Emilee reached forward and placed her hand on Clarke's knee. She didn't say anything. She didn't need to. The look in her eyes told Clarke that it was ok, that she would never push for anything more than she could give. Clarke opened the book to the back. She had earlier used her knife to carefully cut out the two pages that she had drawn earlier that day and had placed them there to keep them from getting ruined.

"I want you to have these," Clarke said as she removed the drawing of Knoxville and the one of Emilee and handed them to the brunette.

Emilee looked at the drawing of Knoxville that was on top. She noticed the detail that Clarke had put into the picture. She noticed how Clarke had gotten every detail correct down to the sun glistening on the fresh snow that covered the village and reflected off the slow moving water of the river. It was incredible. She moved the page to look at the next one and her jaw dropped. Her eyes widened in amazement as she looked at herself on the paper she held in her hand.

"This is from the day we met." Emilee's voice was low and seemed almost reverent as she hovered a finger over the picture tracing the lines of her stand without touching the page. "This is amazing Clarke. I can't believe that you did this." Her eyes were slightly moist. "Thank you."

"It is I that should thank you, Emilee."

Clarke was unprepared for the grounder to shoot out of her chair and drop to her knees by Clarke wrapping her arms around her in a hug. After a slight hesitation, Clarke wrapped her arms around Emilee returning the hug. It felt so good to have that small bit of human interaction and at least for the moment she felt a little less alone.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N - Guest Review**

 **SummerStormWar - Thank you for the review. Hopefully Clarke will soon allow herself to get to know more than just Emilee. Maybe she'll soon find herself facing familiar faces. Guess we'll see how things work out.**

Chapter 7

Over the last week Clarke's relationship with Emilee had become even stronger. Clarke made her way down to the village every morning and usually stayed until just before dark. With the snow finally coming there weren't as many travelers passing through the city, so Emilee and Clarke often went on walks through and around the village. Clarke liked walking through the ruins of the old city that once stood there. Digging through her knowledge from school and books and the limited old movies and TV shows they had on the Ark, she would imagine what life was like before the bombs. It was weird thinking of a life where people had so few worries and so much time for activities like shopping and sports and going to movies. She often wondered what it would be like to be able to just hang out with friends and do nothing but laugh and talk and socialize. On the Ark everyone was trained from a young age to be a productive member of society. Everyone had to pull their own weight. Every job was important from the janitors to the engineers and doctors. Here on the ground the ultimate thought was just survival and more so than it had been on the Ark. Up in the sky the worries for survival were about oxygen and water, maintaining the Ark and recycling everything to be used again because resources were so limited. Here on the ground there were dangerous animals and other people that needed to be worried about. Also, just the elements of the earth and basic needs to survive.

The first day they left the village together, Emilee noticed the weapons Clarke collected at the entrance, the sword and daggers. After that she began bringing her own weapons and begged Clarke to spar with her. She claimed that sitting in her stall all day was making her weak. So began the daily training sessions. She saw that Clarke was smart but lacked the basic knowledge all of her people were taught from a young age, but Clarke paid attention and learned quickly.

It was early afternoon and Clarke and Emilee had just finished training and were silently sitting by the bank of the large river on the steel and concrete remnants of a large bridge that had spanned the water just less than 100 years ago. In the river itself, were remains of what looked like what was left of arches that had made up the bridge design. Pieces of the roadway still stood between two of the dilapidated arches. There were more building ruins on the far side of the river. It looked like the old city had thrived on both sides of the river and this bridge and others along the river connected the two halves.

Clarke was looking down at the water when she suddenly saw a body floating by. The man's throat had been cut wide open and she could see the white rings of cartilage through the gaping hole. Clarke recognized the large scar on the man's face that twisted his mouth into a sneer even in death. Emilee felt the blonde by her side stiffen up. She saw the blue eyes close and heard the barely audible words that came out of her mouth.

"Not now, please not now." Clarke quietly pleaded as she closed her eyes and wished the phantom away.

Emilee leaned slightly closer to her friend and put a gentle hand on her arm and gave it a light squeeze. "Clarke, have you tried making the bread with the grain like I told you?"

Clarke swallowed and let out a breath. She turned her head towards her friend before finally opening her eyes, purposely avoiding looking back down at the water. She looked into the light brown eyes. Clarke knew that Emilee noticed something was wrong. It wasn't the first time and as usual Emilee never questioned her about it. She knew Emilee was trying to pull her thoughts away from whatever dark place they were in. She noticed the way the sun sparkled in the girl's eyes, highlighting the small specks of darker brown that floated around the irises. There was no judgement or pity in those eyes, just simple unassuming friendship. She focused on her breathing until it was normal again before speaking.

"Yes, I tried. It didn't go very well." A slight look of amusement momentarily crossed her features as she thought of the hard lumpy balls that had resulted from her attempt at making the bread. "I think you might need to tell me again because I'm sure I did something wrong."

Emilee gave a small chuckle as Clarke described the results to her.

"I can show you. Maybe you can learn better by seeing rather than me just telling you. We can go now if you'd like." Emilee gave Clarke an encouraging smile.

Clarke's answer was genuine. "I'd like that."

Emilee stood and offered a hand to Clarke which she accepted. After being pulled to her feet the two started back towards town.

Clarke had seen Emilee's home before, but she had never been inside. The brunette had pointed out the metal and wood structure on one of their walks around town. It was a five minute walk from her stand. The blonde entered as Emilee held the door open for her. Clarke had never been inside a grounder house before. She had been inside some of the buildings at Tondc but this was different. It was nice and comforting and felt like a home. The main room was open and roomy. There was a table and chairs for eating and the back area set up for cooking with shelves that held various pots and dishes and food supplies. To her right was an entryway that led to the rest of the house. On the left was a fireplace.

Emilee smiled as she closed the door and gestured towards the room. "Welcome to my home, Clarke"

Clarke turned back to her friend and gave her a small smile back in return. She watched as Emilee took off her jacket and hung it up on a peg by the door. She removed her own cloak and then her jacket and followed Emilee into the kitchen area after hanging them up. Emilee walked over to a large metal object that was by the wall. There was a pipe at the top that went up to the ceiling. Clarke had read about these old wood stoves but had never seen one before. She watched curiously as Emilee opened the bottom half of the front, placed some wood inside, and got the fire going. She then grabbed two large bowls from one of the shelves and began gathering the items they would need. She motioned for Clarke to join her at the counter where she had set everything up at. Clarke pushed the sleeves up on her shirt as she walked over to stand by Emilee.

The young shop keeper noticed a long jagged scar running down the inside of Clarke's right forearm. The recent past must have been so hard on the blonde and Emilee wished that she could do more to help her friend. She wondered if she should tell Clarke that she knew who she was and the basics of what had happened to the sky leader. She always suspected from just the way Clarke was, how she seemed so new to everything, but when the warriors returned from the Commander's army they had told the stories of what happened after they were called to help the Commander with the new threat that had fallen from the sky. The strong and fiery Clarke of the sky people that had easily wiped out 100's of their warriors. The one who had forged a truce with the Commander herself by turning a reaper back. The new leader who was not afraid to fight for her people even if that meant pushing boundaries, speaking her mind, and fighting for what she wanted The determined girl with the bright blue eyes and the golden curls that had helped lead them to Mount Weather and single handedly defeated the entire mountain after the Commander had made a deal with the mountain men and left the sky people for dead. Emilee knew that her Clarke was The Clarke that they spoke of, yet Emilee said nothing of what she knew. She was afraid that she would lose her friend if she said anything and so she never did. She didn't want to push her friend and she hoped that one day Clarke might be ready to talk about it. For now she simply was there for whatever her friend needed.

The two young women were currently sitting at the table. Clarke was quite surprised at how well her bread had actually turned out. Emilee had served the bread with some meat and fruit. Emilee had laughed when Clarke took her first bite of the bread and let out a small uncontrollable moan at the taste.

"I think I could live off of nothing but this." Clarke had her mouth full when she said it but couldn't care less about manners at the moment.

The two enjoyed the rest of the meal in a comfortable silence. Once finished Clarke helped the brunette clean up.

"Has there been any more word on the outlaws?" Clarke wasn't sure why she asked the question. It didn't really concern her. These people weren't her people. She had none. She didn't deserve any. She was death she silently reminded herself.

Slightly surprised by Clarke's curiosity, Emilee paused only a second before answering. "Yes. There have been more attacks. It seems like they attack in a group of about 50 but the word is that there is more than just one group. Scouts have been sent to see if they can find where their main camp is and their actual numbers. It is unusual for there to be a group of that size banded together. There was a meeting last week among some of the leaders from surrounding villages. They decided to send word to the Commander asking for help. Two messengers left after the meeting to send the request. Many of the smaller villages that have been raided will not have enough supplies to last them through the winter now."

Clarke was quiet for several long minutes but her mind was racing. "Do you think the Commander will come to deal with the problem?" She was fighting to control the panic that was rising inside her. She wasn't ready to see Lexa again. She wasn't sure if she ever could be ready. The hurt ran deep and Clarke was feeling the urge to run again. She wasn't sure where she could run to. Perhaps south or further west.

"It's most likely that she will not. The problem isn't really large enough for her to have to handle it personally. She will most likely appoint one of her generals to deal with the outlaws." Emilee could tell that Clarke was struggling at the mention of the Commander. She thought again of the stories the warriors told that had implied a strong relationship between the Sky Leader and their own commander. She wondered for the first time if there was more to the story besides two leaders forging an alliance or was it just the fact the Sky Leader had been betrayed by her own leader.

Clarke seemed to sigh in relief. She glanced out the window and realized that it was later than she thought. The dark seemed to be coming sooner with each passing day.

"Thank you for showing me how to make bread, Emilee. It's getting dark and I should be heading ho...I should be heading back." Clarke caught the word before it tumbled out of her mouth. It was a semi-permanent camp and not a home. Certainly not like the one she was currently standing in. She wondered if she would ever be able to have that experience, a real home.

Emilee wrapped half of the extra bread they had made in a cloth and handed it to Clarke. Clarke gave one of her small smiles, which never quite reached her eyes, in appreciation as she placed the bundle in her bag. After saying goodbye, Emilee stood in the doorway and watched as Clarke walked away. She gave Clarke a wave when the blonde turned around before stepping out of sight around the next building. She couldn't help but think of what Clarke had been like before all of the suffering, fighting, and hard decisions. All Emilee knew was the shell of a person that Clarke was now. She had caught glimpses of the incredible spirit the former leader possessed. She truly must have sacrificed herself for her people. She didn't envy the heavy burdens her friend carried.

* * *

Two days later Clarke was heading towards Knoxville. After talking to Emilee about her concerns of keeping her horses in the mountain, the shopkeeper had helped Clarke make arrangements to keep them in town. They would have shelter and food and be protected through the snows of the winter. Clarke had walked back to her cave the night before so she could leave one horse there. She was now riding the other horse towards the city. It would make traveling back and forth a little bit harder and she probably wouldn't be able to make the trip as often as she had been, not when there was a lot of snow on the ground. It was about a 40 minute walk from Knoxville to her cave.

Clarke looked up at the sky. It was midafternoon but the sky had become increasingly darker as she made her way to the city. There was definitely a storm coming. It looked like it was going to be a big one. Clarke had debated a couple times on turning back but she hated the thought of being stuck alone in the cave. Well, not alone. She was never really alone. The ghosts from her past were never far and so she kept on going. She had planned on leaving earlier that morning but had gotten caught up in drawing and time had slipped by.

The snow was lightly falling by the time she had finished getting her horse settled in to its new home. She passed by Emilee's shop but kept going when she saw it closed up. She stopped in the middle of the roadway and debated on what to do. She didn't want to just intrude and show up at Emilee's house, but she did want to see her friend. She looked up at the sky. The large snowflakes had started coming down a little heavier. Maybe she should just head back.

"Clarke!"

The blonde turned when she heard her name. She could see Emilee walking towards her.

"I didn't think I would see you here today." Emilee smiled as she approached then turned a wary eye to the sky. "You're not planning on walking home in this storm are you?"

"I was just bringing my horse down. I figured I could make it here and back before the storm started."

"You can't leave in this. This storm looks like it's not going to stop for a while. In 15 more minutes you won't even be able to see where you're going." There was concern in Emilee's voice as she spoke.

Clarke looked at her friend and then at the snow that was starting to come down even harder. "I should be ok."

"No Clarke, it's too dangerous. Come with me. You can hang out at my house until the storm is over."

"It's really ok, Emilee. I don't want to inconvenience you."

Emilee grabbed Clarke's hand. "Clarke, this is the kind of snow that people can get lost in. Just come on." With that said she gave Clarke's hand a slight tug.

Clarke battled with her thoughts for a moment. She'd read about blizzards on the Ark. She didn't think that people could actually be lost in a storm like that but she hadn't ever experienced a severe snow storm before either. Resigned she nodded and let Emilee lead her.

"I was just coming to grab a few things from the shop. I'm glad I ran into you." Emilee had entered her stall and grabbed some items that she placed in a bag she had brought with her.

Emilee was right. By the time they made it to her house the snow was coming down hard in small flakes that stung when they hit the exposed skin on Clarke's face. She had pulled her cloak tighter around her but the snow was blowing at an almost horizontal angle and found their way in. She could barely see the buildings around her.

The warmth of the house hit Clarke immediately when she entered. She hadn't realized how cold it had become outside. She set her bag down by the wall and took off her cloak and jacket and hung them up. She moved closer to the fire that was burning in the fire place. There were candles lit around the room giving off light.

"Are you hungry? I was just about to make something to eat." Emilee removed the spices she had grabbed at her shop from her bag as she spoke.

Clarke walked over to where the brunette was standing. "Can I help?"

* * *

"Have you always lived in Knoxville?" Clarke asked as they were cleaning up after dinner.

"No. My father was the leader of a village across the river on the plains. When the Commander began uniting the clans I traveled with him to Polis. I loved meeting people from the different clans and decided that I wanted to trade more than I wanted to fight. My father wasn't happy because he had expected me to eventually take his place. I led our warriors but when I learned what it was like to be able to live in peace with the clans around us instead of the constant fighting I realized that I wanted to be able to help my people more with securing supplies and trade agreements. I loved Polis but I hated being so far away from my family so I eventually settled here. With all of the trade that comes through Knoxville I was able to secure agreements to help provide supplies for my people and for Knoxville. I'll still probably end up taking his place, but that's not something I'm going to worry about right now"

Clarke contemplated for a moment before responding. When she finally did answer her words were barely more than a whisper. "I don't blame you for not wanting to lead. It's not easy."

Emilee knew Clarke spoke from experience. She knew the blonde wasn't ready to really talk about it so she didn't pursue it. Glancing out the small window she noticed that the snow still showed no sign of letting up. "Looks like you're stuck here for the night. I have an extra room you can use."

Clarke turned to look outside. It was dark but she could see the snow still falling heavily. She felt the panic begin to rise. She knew she barely slept because of the nightmares and she knew that she often woke screaming or crying. She didn't want Emilee to see that. She tried thinking of another way around it.

Emilee could see that Clarke wasn't comfortable with the idea. She watched the internal struggle her friend was going through until the resignation showed on her face.

"Are you sure it's no trouble. I could just go sleep with the horses or something." Clarke was still trying to find another way even though she knew there wasn't one.

Emilee just laughed as she pictured the stubborn girl trying to sleep in the stables. "Of course it's no trouble, Clarke." She gave her a reassuring smile.

They spent the rest of the evening sitting by the fire. Emilee had told Clarke what it was like for her growing up. She talked about how different things were under the Commander, especially since she united the clans. The time passed and the snow kept falling.

Finally Emilee stood. "It's getting late Clarke. Let me show to your room."

Emilee walked into the small hallway with Clarke right behind her. She showed Clarke a small room she could wash up in and pointed at another that she said she used to store her extra goods. Opening a door she motioned for Clarke to enter.

"It's not much but there is a bed." Emilee gave Clarke a smile. "I'll be right back."

Emilee returned in less than a minute with some extra furs. She placed them gently on the bed. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"

Clarke shook her head as she spoke. "You've done so much for me already. I can't thank you enough as it is."

"My room is right next to yours if you need anything, Clarke."

"Is it ok if I sit by the fire for a while? I have a hard time sleeping and thought maybe I could do some drawing until I'm ready for bed." Clarke was a little hesitant to reveal the information to her friend, but she knew that Emilee would understand.

"Of course that's fine, Clarke. Would you like me to stay up with you?"

"It's ok. You should sleep. I'll be fine." Clarke smiled softly at her friend.

Emilee pulled the blonde into a gentle hug. "I'm right here if you need me." With that she turned and left the former sky leader to her thoughts.

Clarke had been sitting by the fire for hours, keeping her thoughts busy by focusing on her drawing. When she could finally feel herself fighting to keep her eyes open as exhaustion took over her body she made her way to bed. Snuggling into the soft bed with the warm furs pulled comfortably over her she silently wished that tonight was a good night. She scoffed at that thought. There were no good nights. She wished again for a quiet night. She didn't want her screams to awaken or scare Emilee. Just tonight please, she thought.

* * *

Emilee slowly opened her eyes. Blinking back the sleep that still weighed heavily on her. Something must have woken her but she wasn't sure what. Shaking the sleep from her mind she laid there with eyes closed and ears straining. That's when she heard it. She immediately knew it was Clarke. She heard the quiet sobs and wasn't sure if she should intrude on her friend. She didn't want to embarrass her by walking in on her during a private moment. Then she heard some low mumbling. She couldn't make out words but it sounded familiar. It's how Clarke sounded when she mumbled at the unseen shadows that sometimes found her. Emilee was torn. She wanted to help her friend but she didn't want to overstep. Her mind was made up though when she heard the blood curdling scream and she was out of bed and running to Clarke's room within the next heartbeat.

The sight that greeted her when she entered the room tore at her heart. Clarke was thrashing around in the bed. The furs had been kicked to the floor and her arms and legs were moving as if trying to keep something away from her. Sweat was plastering golden curls to her face and neck, her eyes darting around under closed lids.

"I had to do it. Don't you understand? I had no choice. Please, leave me alone." The words tumbled out clearly from Clarke's throat followed by hiccupping sobs.

Emilee's voice was gentle and soothing as she knelt by the bed. "Clarke. Clarke. Everything is fine Clarke. I need you to wake up."

Emilee ran one hand gently down Clarke's arm and pushed damp curls from her face with the other as she kept talking to the blonde. The thrashing seemed to calm but the sobs still came. Clarke suddenly bolted upright.

"Don't leave me, Lexa. Please don't leave me."

Emilee quickly wrapped her arms around Clarke. Her hands running down her back. "It's ok. You're safe."

Clarke was still in that state of not being fully awake and not being quite asleep when those familiar words hit her ears. It was the morning after their encounter with the gorilla when Lexa said those words to her after Clarke had jolted upright from her sleep. Then Lexa's tone of voice and words had been a comfort to her. Now they served as a reminder of her betrayal. Her body acted reflexively and without being aware of what she was doing her hands grabbed the slim shoulders in front of her, pushing the brown haired woman away. Her hand tightened into a fist and pulled back only to go flying forward connecting with the warm soft cheek in front of her and sending the woman to the floor on her back. Clarke quickly followed, grabbing a dagger off the stand by the bed as she landed on the floor straddling the girl she had put there.

"It's not ok. Nobody is safe. This is all your fault. You left me. I trusted you and you left me there to die and forced me to become a monster one more time. I can't…I just can't anymore. There's been too much blood and too much death" Clarke's body was trembling and her voice was shaky but the knife she held at the girl's throat was steady. A thin red line was starting to appear under the blade as the blonde began to move it across the smooth tan skin.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N - Guest review: SummerStormWar-I think that was just about the same reaction I had while writing it. Emilee has really grown on me.**

 **A/N - So I was kind of hesitant to post this. All I can say is please don't hate me and just keep reading before you pass judgement. As always, thank you for the follows, favorites, and reviews.**

Chapter 8

Everything happened so fast yet at the same time seemed to be moving in slow motion for Clarke. She could feel the warm blood as it squirted out hitting her in the face and chest. She could see the growing slit in the smooth skin under her blade. She watched as the life dimmed in the eyes that were staring up at her, the look of surprise in them slowly fading away. The body underneath her grew still. She thought it would make her feel better, but it didn't. She felt the tightness growing around her chest. It felt like she couldn't breathe as sobs lodged in her throat with the apology she tried to utter. Desperately wanting to take back her actions as realization of what she had just done sunk in.

* * *

Lexa was sitting on the edge of her bed. Her elbows were resting on her knees and her face was buried in her hands. Her heart was pounding in her chest and her throat hurt from holding back her cries. The dream she had was still fresh in her memory. In her dream Clarke was dead. Lexa knew that it was just a dream but the thing that shook her up the most was that she had no idea how or where Clarke was or if she was even still alive. It has been almost two months since she had last seen her. Two months alone in a new land facing who knew what dangers. She remembered how Oden had told her of Clarke being attacked by that man. Things like that could happen any time. Plus the heavy snows have already started to fall and Clarke had never been through winter on the ground. There was no way for her to be prepared for that on her own, especially since Clarke had walked away with nothing but the clothes she had been wearing when she left, her gun with limited ammunition and a knife. Really, anything could have happened to the sky leader. She could be injured or sick. Lexa lifted her head and forced herself to stop the train of thought that she was having.

The brunette laid back down. She admittedly was a little restless. She had received word the week before of a group of bandits that had been attacking small villages. It was very unusual for a group of outcasts or nomads to be that large. She had immediately sent Indra with 300 warriors to deal with the situation. There would be several hundred more joining them as they journeyed west. The first messenger had come from Knoxville and was concerning not that city, but some of the surrounding villages. Since then she has received word from several more villages a little farther from Knoxville about the same issue. She knew that Indra was more than capable of handling the situation but to be honest she was kind of bored of the day to day operations in Polis. She made up her mind that she would leave in the morning to join them. It was more than likely that the situation would be dealt with before she got there but she wanted to go anyway. Perhaps the thought that someone along the way would have word about Clarke or that they would find some sign of the blonde crossed her mind but she wouldn't admit that to anyone.

They were ready to ride out by mid-morning. Lexa was already mounted on her horse. It was a fairly small group, only about a dozen altogether. Among them was Oden and Maka and of course Lexa's personal guards, including Ryder. She slid her hand in the inside pocket of her jacket and felt the braid that was there. She carried it with her always. The weight against her heart was both comforting and hurtful. When everyone was mounted and ready to go she led the way out the gates. There first stop was going to be Tondc. She wanted to see the progress that had been made and ensure that the people were set for the winter. She knew that if they pushed the horses and swapped them out frequently at villages along the route that they would catch up to the main army before they reached their destination.

The Commander was quite pleased with the work that had been completed at Tondc. It had taken nearly a week of negotiations with the Skaikru but they had finally worked out an agreement with terms acceptable to both sides. There were many times when Lexa thought the best solution would be to just kill them all and be done with it. Other days it was only the stubborn doctor she wanted to kill, but Lexa would think of Clarke and would refrain from killing anyone. The Skaikru had tools and people trained in building that made the work easier and faster at Tondc. It still wasn't a hundred percent but it was sufficient to house the people and supplies until rebuilding could be completed in the spring.

Lexa and her group had just left Camp Jaha. The Commander was a little surprised that the Skaikru had sent some of their soldiers with Indra. She knew Indra was going to ask Lincoln and Octavia to join them. She didn't think anyone expected Abby to insist that a small group of their men go with them. She had said that she just wanted to show that she really wanted their alliance to work. Lexa knew that it was Kane's influence over Abby that had her thinking that way and the Commander couldn't find anything wrong with that. Nobody had spoken of Clarke. Not one question or thought about her, but the unspoken words were still there. Lexa could see them in Abby's eyes. There was still hope that Clarke was out there somewhere and would return home someday.

* * *

Clarke knew she had wanted to hurt the brunette but she never meant to kill her. How could she live with herself after what she had just done? She could feel the panic rising within her body. It was then that she became aware of the arms wrapped around her. Her face was pressed into a warm shoulder as she felt gentle hands rubbing comforting circles on her back and a gentle voice in her ear.

"It was just a dream Clarke. It's not real."

Clarke pulled back slightly and looked into the eyes of her friend. Emilee's voice was finally cutting through the panic in her brain. It had felt so real. She thought that she had killed Lexa. Her heart was racing and she was gasping for breath.

"There you are Clarke." Emilee's voice was soothing as blue eyes made contact with hers. Clarke tried to focus on that voice and let go of the nightmare that had taken over her. "That's it. I'm right here. Deep breaths, Clarke. Just take deep breaths. You're right here with me. It's ok. I'm here"

Clarke buried her face back into Emilee's shoulder, her arms wrapped around her friend with her hands clenching tightly to the brunette's shirt. For the first time since falling to the earth Clarke really let the tears come. She cried for all the lives that had been lost, for all the lives she had been forced to take. She cried for what she had to sacrifice of herself to save her people. She cried for Lexa. She finally let it all out and Emilee just held her and whispered words of comfort in her ear until her body stopped shaking and there were no more tears to cry.

"I'm sorr..." Clarke began but was cut off.

"There is nothing to apologize for, Clarke." Emilee gave Clarke a small smile. "I'll be right back."

Emilee left the room but quickly returned with a wet cloth. She sat on the edge of the bed and began to wipe the sweat and tears from Clarke's face. When she was finished she placed the cloth on the small table by the bed and tucked the loose strands of hair behind the blonde's ear.

"You should try and get some sleep. It's still a while before the sun comes up."

Clarke nodded but grabbed Emilee's hand when her friend went to stand up. "Will you stay with me, please? I don't want to be alone." Her words were barely more than a whisper but Emilee heard them clearly.

"Of course, Clarke." Emilee waited until Clarke laid back down and slid in next to her after the blonde moved over to give her some room. The young grounder pulled the furs over them.

Clarke turned towards Emilee and hesitantly slid a little closer to her friend. She was unsure if it would be ok but she felt the need to be closer to her. That human contact was something she needed at the moment. As if sensing the blondes need Emilee reached out and placed her arm around Clarke's waist and pulled her closer. She slid one arm around Clarke's shoulder as the sky girl rested her head on her shoulder. She kept her other arm around her waist. It seemed to be only seconds until Clarke fell asleep.

Emilee stayed awake for a while thinking about her friend as she listened to her sleep. She couldn't even imagine the things that haunted her. She had only heard stories told by the warriors and the fragments whispered by the sky leader herself. She knew that Clarke's breakdown tonight was a step forward in the healing process. A small step but a step nonetheless. She wondered if, and hoped that Clarke would be willing to talk about it sometime in the future. She knew it would help, but only if it wasn't forced. It would be something the blonde would need to initiate on her own. Emilee had truly come to care for her friend. There was just something about her. She'd only caught glimpses of the caring and kindness she knew she was capable of. There was no doubt of Clarke's strength, of that she was certain. The actions of the sky girl had proved that. That and the fact that she was still here, still alive.

It was nearly noon when Clarke finally woke up. She had spent the rest of the night and morning in a dreamless and untroubled sleep. It had been so long since she had gone more than a few hours with uninterrupted sleep. She knew it was thanks to the brunette that was still next to her and was still holding her. Clarke just continued to lie there unmoving. She could feel gentle fingers tracing patterns on her back. She felt human, she felt like an actual person again and she wanted to hang on to that feeling for as long as possible. After enjoying the feeling for a few moments longer she tightened the arm she had around Emilee giving her a gentle squeeze.

"Thank you." She quietly said before sitting up. She knew the words were barely enough to express the gratitude she had for her friend, but she knew that Emilee would understand.

Emilee stood and grabbed Clarke's hand. "There is no need for thanks, Clarke. Come on, I'm sure you're hungry."

The two were sitting at the table in front of the fire. The snow had stopped falling and the light coming in through the window was deceptively bright as the sun peeked out from behind the clouds and reflected off the newly fallen snow. Their meal had been eaten and they had just finished cleaning up. Emilee watched as Clarke reached over and grabbed her sketch book she had left on the table the night before. She seemed lost in thought as she held it in her hands for a moment.

"You know who I am." It wasn't a question. Clarke knew that Emilee was aware of who she was.

"Yes." Emilee acknowledged anyway.

Clarke flipped open the book and after staring at the page for a moment she placed it down in front of her and motioned for Emilee to slide closer. Emilee picked up her chair and set it down right next to Clarke and stared down at the drawing. She wasn't quite sure what it was.

"For a year before I was sent down to the ground I was locked up in a room on the Ark. That is where we lived in space. I had nothing but a bed, and some charcoal, and a small window above me that I could see out of. This was my view of the earth."

Emilee had never seen pictures of the earth from space before and she leaned over to curiously study the drawing. She held in her questions and simply waited. Clarke took that as her que and began telling her story to the young grounder. She expertly flipped to different pages throughout the book as she spoke. She explained everything from the oxygen issues they had on the Ark and her father's actions up until she had been abandoned at the mountain. The book was nearly completely filled with drawings. She had captured so many images of her friends and the experiences they had after reaching the ground. The only thing that she left out was that she had knowledge of the missile that hit Tondc. She didn't want that to come back on Lexa somehow. She slowly turned to different pages as she spoke and allowed Emilee to see everything from the beauty of the ground and her friends to the devastation caused by her actions. The drawings were so good and so realistic that it was easy for Emilee to see the story as Clarke told it.

Clarke took a few moments to gather her courage before continuing with the story starting with what happened inside the mountain and ending with meeting Emilee herself. Clarke's voice had wavered occasionally and tears had filled her eyes but she refused to let them spill. Now that she had begun her story she couldn't stop until she was finished.

"I never wanted to lead my people. I never wanted to be the one who had to make decisions, especially not regarding other people's lives. I didn't know what I was doing. All I could focus on was keeping us alive and free. I understood the necessity in taking lives to save people, but what I did in the mountain..." Clarke couldn't hold the tears back anymore and they came spilling out. "I know there was no other option, but there were people who helped mine and the children...I keep seeing their faces everywhere. All of them. All of the people who died because of me. I couldn't stay with my people anymore. I couldn't stand being reminded of what I did to get them back so I did the only thing that I could. I left. I just left them, my mom, my friends, everyone. I keep thinking, if only Lexa, if only the Commander didn't leave me. I thought she cared about..." Clarke couldn't go on any longer. The sobs coming out of her throat prevented any other words from forming.

Emilee immediately pulled her into a tight hug that Clarke returned. Her head was full of questions that she wouldn't ask. She had made that promise to herself that she would never push her friend for anything. After a few moments, Clarke leaned back slightly. She didn't let go of Emilee but she began speaking again.

"I care about her Emilee. In the time we spent together I knew that she cared about me too. I tried to hate her but no matter how much I thought about it I knew that she had made the best decision that she could. She made the right decision for her people. I know that it was hard for her but it still hurts. I know that she didn't want to leave me there and I could have left with her but I had to think about my people too. I'm still mad at her. I'm mad that whatever was happening between us ended too quickly because of the circumstances around us and a part of me feels like there could have been a better solution. I'm mad that she didn't even try talking to me about it first but I have relived those moments more times than I would care to admit and it always ends the same. I love her and I hate her and I want to forgive her but I'm not sure how to do that or if I even could. I don't think I deserve her. I'm a monster Emilee. I had to become one to save my people. I don't know how to live with that by myself. I don't know if there is enough of me left to even give to anyone else." Clarke had never imagined telling anyone about her and Lexa but she trusted the shop keeper. She had proven her friendship more than once before.

Emilee knew how broken her friend was but she also knew that some of what Clarke had said was not true.

"You're not a monster, Clarke. You're a hero and a great leader. I know the burden being a great leader carries. I know the hard decisions and sacrifices that must be made. I know you're looking for forgiveness but I also know that it's not necessary. I also know that learning to accept that fact is not easy and takes time, but I know that someday you will find that answer in yourself."

Clarke looked into Emilee's eyes. She could see the understanding and sincerity there, as well as love, friendship and acceptance. She thought about the words that Emilee had spoken. She hoped her friend was right. She needed to believe that there was hope that she could find the redemption that she sought. It was going to be a long while but hopefully that day would one day come. Clarke pulled back from her friend and picked her book up again. She flipped through several pages before setting it down again. She stared down at the picture of Lexa. She wasn't wearing her face paint. She looked young and strong and her eyes shined with confidence and strength.

She quietly whispered, "I hope so."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Sorry for the short chapter. Life happens, I suppose. I just wanted to get something up and posted. Thanks again for reading, following, and reviewing.**

Chapter 9

Clarke woke up the next morning feeling more rested than she could remember being in a long time. She had wanted to go back to her cave the night before but Emilee had insisted that she stay there and she had finally relented. After her break down the night before she really didn't want to be alone. She was worried that after talking about everything that it might make her nightmares worse. The nightmares did come but as soon as they did Emilee had been there. Once again the brunette had gone to Clarke and calmed her down and was still there holding her just as she had done the night before.

Clarke was thinking about how amazing Emilee was. She could only imagine how much worse things would have gotten if not for the brunette. She kept Clarke company which helped distract her and keep her mind away from the things that haunted her. She had learned so much in training with the shop keeper. Clarke felt bad. She knew that she wasn't the best company to be around, especially in the beginning. She had barely spoken and was often distracted and sullen. For sure she didn't give Emilee anything in return and wondered why the girl had become her friend. Now she found herself wanting to return that friendship and it scared her. She didn't know if she could handle caring about someone again. She was afraid of hurting her and of being hurt again. During all the time Clarke had spent in the village she had avoided speaking to anyone else. She had tried so hard to not pay attention to anyone else. She didn't want to know these people. She was afraid that being involved in the community would make her feel that desire to protect them. She couldn't do that, not again.

Clarke pulled herself out of her thoughts. She snuggled in a little closer to Emilee and placed a hand on the arm that was wrapped around her waist. She thought again of how grateful she was for her friendship. Emilee made her feel more like a human and less like the monster she had become. She couldn't imagine where she would be if it wasn't for the brunette. She couldn't explain the deep friendship she felt for her. She was like family to her now. Her only family.

That evening the two friends were walking back from the stables. They had stopped at Emilee's shop for a while that afternoon and then Clarke wanted to look in on her horses. There was a small crowd gathered in the village center. Clarke recognized the village general and some of his warriors. They were talking to two people that had their backs to Clarke, a man and a woman. Something about them seemed familiar. The blonde followed Emilee as she walked a little closer to the group. Clarke suddenly froze as the dark haired female turned towards her companion.

"Octavia." Clarke whispered the name. She could feel the panic start to rise and she pulled the hood of her cloak a little farther down.

Emilee heard the whispered name and saw the motions of her friend. She recognized the girl from Clarke's drawings. She realized that her friend did not want to be seen.

"Go back to the house. I will see what they are doing here. I'll be right there."

Clarke could only nod. Not taking her eyes off of the visitors. She now could recognize the other as being Lincoln. She slowly turned still not taking her eyes off of the two. Emotions flooded her body and made it hard for her to move. Part of her wanted to run away and another part of her wanted to run towards her former friend. Her body felt so heavy she could barely move as she finally tore her gaze away and turned completely. She slowly started walking back towards Emilee's house. She made it to the nearest building when she heard the general call out Emilee's name. She turned back and watched for a moment in the cover of the shadow of the building as Emilee walked towards the general. She couldn't hear what was being said as the leader gestured towards Octavia and Lincoln and then back to Emilee. She watched as Emilee nodded and motioned for the two to follow her as she began making her way towards her shop. She could see Octavia glancing around. Her eyes seemed to linger for a moment on the shadows where Clarke was hidden before she turned and followed Emilee. She couldn't help but think that Octavia would recognize her. Clarke closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh as she began walking again towards Emilee's house.

It wasn't long before Emilee returned to her house. She found Clarke sitting at the table. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her sketch book was in front of her. It was closed but Emilee knew Clarke had been looking at it.

"I don't think she'll ever forgive me." Clarke said as the tears started to flow again.

Emilee sat down next to her and pulled her in to a hug. "You don't know that. I'm sure she'll understand why you left."

"If only it were that simple." Clarke couldn't tell the brunette how she had left Octavia to die at Tondc. She wanted to though, she hated that there was still that one secret between them. "Are they still here?"

"Yes. They'll be leaving in a few hours. They are with the army the Commander sent. They asked for supplies and for warriors to join them. The latest reports say that the bandits have been attacking villages about two days walk north of here. The general is going with them and taking 50 warriors with them. They'll be leaving once everyone is ready." Emilee heard the small sigh that escaped from Clarke's throat. "They asked about you." Clarke's head jerked up at this and she looked into her friend's brown eyes. "They asked if a blonde Skaikru had passed through here or if there had been any word of anyone matching your description having been in the area."

Clarke wasn't sure how to take this news. Why would they even care? Would Lexa have asked them to look for her, or maybe her mom or Bellamy? No, she was sure that Lexa wouldn't have sent anyone else, not after the message she had sent back with Oden. Her hand subconsciously reached up and touched her hair where she had cut the braid off. At the time she had wanted to hurt Lexa and she knew that she had, but she wanted Lexa to know how she felt when she betrayed her. Her mom would have sent someone long before now if she had wanted to find her and Bellamy knew that she would be back when and if she could. There was nobody else she could think of that would bother looking for her. Unless it was because they wanted to make sure that she was far away and wouldn't come back. She hated to think it, but she could see Octavia thinking like that. Emilee's voice brought her out of her thoughts and she focused on what the brunette next to her was saying.

"Clarke, I didn't tell them anything. I think they saw the drawings you did for me. I know they saw them. Octavia had walked closer to look at them but neither one of them said anything though."

Clarke was lost in thought for a few minutes. "I don't think either of them have ever seen any of my drawings before, except for maybe a map I drew. I know that they both knew how much I had liked to draw back on the Ark. I doubt Octavia would remember that. I had a conversation with Lincoln about it once because he also likes to draw. I don't know, maybe it's time for me to move on."

"Where would you go, Clarke?"

Those words were so familiar and Clarke thought of Bellamy. She closed her eyes against the pain in her heart. "I don't know. South maybe, or West."

"Clarke, you wouldn't make it traveling through the winter. You wouldn't be able to carry the supplies you would need and the animals disappear in the winter so you wouldn't be able to hunt. You could easily get hurt or worse during a storm." The worry was evident on Emilee's face.

"I could just stay at my camp. Nobody would find me there and I have enough supplies to last until spring. It's not off of any trails and if nobody was out hunting then there wouldn't be any chance of someone finding it. I could stay there until the snows were gone and then I could move on."

Emilee knew that if Clarke left she would most likely never see her friend again. "Why don't you just stay here Clarke? You could stay with me. You would be safe here."

"I couldn't ask you for that, Emilee. You've done enough for me already."

"I know you're not asking. I'm offering. You shouldn't be alone. Not right now. Stay please. At least through the winter and then...and then you can go." Emilee's voice broke at the end of the sentence. She didn't want to lose Clarke but she knew that her friend would leave eventually.

Clarke knew the thought of her leaving was hurting the brunette and she pulled her in against her. "Ok. I will try." It was all that she could promise. "Can you come with me tomorrow? I would like to bring some things here from my camp."

"Of course, Clarke."

* * *

Octavia and Lincoln set off with the new group of warriors that would be joining their army. This was the last village they had planned to stop at to pick up supplies and more warriors. Octavia thought that the army was already larger than it needed to be to deal with the small group of bandits that had been raiding the villages in the area, but she wasn't going to say anything. She was just thankful to be able to be part of the grounders again. She was still hoping that she could redeem herself with Indra and become the General's second again. She had mentioned something to Lincoln and he had told her that the Commander didn't want to underestimate the bandits. She had made that mistake when the sky people first landed on earth and it had cost 300 of their best warriors. They were currently walking side by side at the front of the group. They would meet up with Indra and the rest of the army by nightfall and in the morning they would set out to where the last reports of attacks had come from. She was thinking about the village they had just left.

 _"Lincoln, did you notice anything in the village?"_

 _"I'm not sure what you are talking about, Octavia. Everything seemed normal to me."_

 _"I thought I saw someone but when I looked again they were gone. Then I got a feeling that someone was watching us but I couldn't see anything."_ Octavia was sure she sounded a little crazy, but she knew that she could talk to Lincoln about anything. _"Did you notice the drawings in that stand? Do you think they could have been done by her?"_

Lincoln sighed. _"I know you want to find her, but you can't keep seeing her everywhere we go."_ It was obvious that they had similar conversations before.

 _"I know, but this time is different. I don't think I can explain it. It was more of a feeling I guess, but I think Clarke was there. I wish that we could have spend more time there or that we can go back after this is over."_

Lincoln reached out and slid his hand around Octavia's, his fingers intertwining with hers. _"I know you regret your last words with her."_

Octavia's eyes glistened with the tears that suddenly filled them. " _I was mean, Lincoln. I didn't understand then but I do now. I was angry and hurt. I thought Clarke was my friend and she left me to die at Tondc. I thought that she wasn't making the best decisions, that she wasn't thinking things through. I told her she wasn't good enough. Now that I've had time to really think about it I understand that she really didn't have very many choices and that everything she did was to save our people. Her leaving made me realize how much those decisions weighed on her and I certainly didn't help. I can't even imagine how affected she was by the things she had to do and by the words I said to her. For a while I had convinced myself that there could have been a better way. I know now that there wasn't. Her hands were tied and yet she was strong enough to do what none of the rest of us could have and look how we repaid her. We repaid her with criticism and hatred and we took all of our hurt and anger out on her. I can't blame her for leaving. I was so sure that she would have been back by now. That she would have returned after a few days and I was prepared to still be mad at her, but she never came back. I don't think she ever will and I feel partly responsible for that. Nobody even realized she was gone for days. She was our leader. She took care of everyone and made sure everyone was ok. What kind of people are we to not even realize she wasn't there. She was the one that had been there for all of us from the beginning and nobody even noticed that she was gone. It was like we were happy or relieved that she wasn't there anymore being the big boss. If it was anyone else that had gone missing Clarke would have noticed right away and set off to find them. We didn't even send anyone after her when her absence was finally noticed."_

 _"You can't keep blaming yourself Octavia. There were a lot of things that were going on. Everyone was pretty focused on everything that was going on."_

 _"I know. I think I just miss her."_

Lincoln gave her hand a gentle squeeze and moved a little closer to her. _"I know. She is missed by many. The decisions Clarke had to make were not easy ones and she sacrificed much. The things she had to do weigh heavily on her because of who she is. She has a big heart and always put everyone before herself. That takes a lot out of a person. I'm sure that she will return when she is ready."_

 _"What if she never is? What if something happens to her before she could make it back? She's out there all alone Lincoln."_

 _"Clarke is strong. She will survive."_ Lincoln hoped his words were true.

* * *

Two days later Clarke and Emilee set out on horseback to go bring her things. Clarke had wanted to go the day before but it had snowed and so they had to wait. Emilee was curious to see where the young blonde had been staying. She was glad that Clarke trusted her enough to bring her with her. They talked as they rode side by side until Clarke turned off the path they had been following and began weaving her way through the trees until they came to the small clearing where the cave entrance was. Emilee knew that Clarke had been right. She could stay here and nobody would have ever found this place before the blonde had a chance to leave after winter. Emilee mimicked Clarke's actions as the sky girl dismounted and tied her horse to a tree and entered through the small opening. Emilee was amazed as she wandered around the cave and looked at the camp Clarke had set up. There was no doubt in her mind that her friend would have been fine for the winter. She had plenty of wood and supplies. She knew that the sky girl was strong and resourceful but she was really surprised by what she saw. She had assumed that Clarke's lack of knowledge of life and survival on earth would have left the blonde unprepared for the winter.

It didn't take them long to load the horses. Clarke decided to leave some things there just in case she needed to return for some reason. They decided to walk and lead the horses back, not wanting to overburden them and they were not in a rush to get back. The trail had just exited the trees and they could see the village below them. They were lost in conversation and it took a few minutes but they both realized at the same time that was something was wrong. They both stopped as the sounds of battle reached them.

Emilee turned towards Clarke. "It's the bandits! They're attacking the village. We need to go help them."

Clarke was torn. She cared about Emilee but she couldn't allow herself to become involved with what was going on. She just couldn't. "I can't Emilee. I'm sorry, but I can't do it."

Emilee froze for just a second. She knew in her heart that Clarke was right. This wasn't her fight. They weren't her people and she knew how much it would destroy her friend if she got involved. "I understand."

Emilee handed the reins of the horse to Clarke and sprinted away towards the village, but not before Clarke saw the hurt in the other girl's eyes. Clarke's own eyes overflowed with tears.

"May we meet again." The whispered words died in the cold air as Clarke turned and led the horses back into the cover of the forest. The shouts and sounds of battle ringing in her ears.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Clarke's heart was heavy as she walked away. It was like looking at things from the other side of a mirror. She remembered how it felt to be the one that was left behind, to watch someone she cared about walk away and leave her when she needed her the most. She wanted nothing more than to turn around and help her friend, but she couldn't. She just couldn't take that responsibility again. It would break her even more than she already was. She regretted ever letting the young grounder into her life. It would have been better if she had just kept to herself. It would have been better if she had never allowed herself to care about anyone again, but she had. She loved Emilee, the other girl had become her best friend and her family. She needed her friendship. She suddenly dropped to her knees as she was overcome with emotion, startling the horses with her actions.

"I'm so sorry Emilee." The tears flooded her vision as she knelt in the snow.

* * *

Emilee wished that Clarke had come with her but she understood the need for her to not become involved. She could never hold that against her friend, it would be selfish of her and she cared about the sky girl more than that. The latest reports had said that the bandits were days north of them, yet here they were attacking her village. The village warriors were slightly outnumbered since so many had left with the General. Had the bandits been watching? Did they wait for the moment when they were most vulnerable to attack? Emilee didn't have much time to think about it as she drew nearer to the fighting. She could see dead lying on the ground, both her people and bandits. She drew her sword and headed straight towards the nearest enemy that she saw. The man was pulling his sword out of the back of one of the young warriors. It was a boy that Emilee had watched grow up into a strong fighter during her years at Knoxville. He was only a little younger than herself. She raised her sword and swung out at his killer. Her blade cutting him across the ribs and then plunging into his heart as he turned towards her. She watched as he fell and his blood spilled out onto the already reddening snow. She quickly looked around and headed towards the next enemy she could find. She worked her way closer into the fray, her sword rising and falling as she cut through as many attackers as she could. She saw her friend Tobi. Tobi ran a shop next to hers where he made and repaired clothing and weapons. He had been the first friend she had made when she first settled in Knoxville. He was currently surrounded by three bandits, blood was flowing from a deep wound on his upper arm. She quickly pulled a dagger from her waist and threw it at the one that was approaching him from behind. Then she ran and swung at one of the remaining two. When both were lying on the ground Tobi turned and looked at her.

" _They came out of nowhere. They swarmed the gate_." Tobi pointed through the smashed gate and the fierce fighting taking place within the village walls.

" _Let's go_." Emilee said as she stooped down to grab her dagger then took off running with Tobi following right behind her.

The two fought next to each other watching the other's back. Neither side seemed to be gaining any ground. Emilee's arm was growing tired but she kept on fighting. She drew her dagger across the throat of another that she had knocked down to the ground. As she straightened up she felt a sharp pain in her side. She turned raising her sword only to have it knocked out of her hand. A giant fist swung out at her. It connected with the side of her head and sent her crumbling to the ground. Her head was ringing and she tried to focus on the bandit that was standing over her. She threw the dagger she still held and saw it bounce off the metal plate that covered his chest. She tried to look around for her sword but she was losing her battle with consciousness. She fought desperately to shake the stars from her vision, but she could feel the darkness closing in around her. Her last thoughts were that at least she died honorably, protecting her village and how she hoped that Clarke would be ok. She heard a loud noise and then nothing else.

Tobi saw Emilee fall and tried in vain to reach her. He just couldn't gain the upper hand on the enemy that he was currently engaged with. He was finally able to knock his opponent to the ground and turned towards his fallen friend. He knew he wouldn't make it in time as he saw the raised sword begin its way downward. He ran anyway, at the very least he would avenge his friend. He heard an unfamiliar sound and saw the big burly man jerk backward as if he had been hit but there was nobody in front of him. Another sound and the man fell backwards to the ground dead, blood appearing from a small hole in the center of his forehead. Looking around Tobi saw a warrior that he did not recognize. A young girl about his age. He recognized her cloak, although he hadn't ever really seen her up close before and never without the hood covering her head and leaving her face in shadow. The cloak he remembered belonging to the mysterious newcomer he had seen walking through the village with Emilee. He saw the golden hair that framed her pale face. She held a bloody sword in one hand and a small black object in the other. The look on her face was one to be feared. It was full of fury and her blue eyes seemed to burn brightly with an unseen fire. Tobi unconsciously took a step backwards. The ferocious blonde rushed to the fallen girl and after making sure she was still alive she turned towards him.

" _Keep her safe_." That was all she said in a husky voice before darting off.

Tobi watched her for a moment as she pointed the black object again and again. Each time an enemy dropped to the ground dead. She placed the object under her cloak and pulled another sword from her back. The fire never leaving her eyes as she attacked. Tobi, unsure of exactly what he was seeing, focused his gaze down on his fallen friend. He took off is jacket and tore some strips of cloth off of the shirt he wore underneath and wrapped them around Emilee's middle where she had been stabbed.

Clarke's vision was red as she swung and chopped at the bandits around her. She didn't see the look of fear on the faces of them or of the villagers around her. She simply cut down one target and then focused on the next until there was none left. Her presence had brought about a renewed sense of hope and energy to the villagers as they refocused their attention on their attackers driving them back. Clarke looked around and saw the remaining bandits scrambling out the gates. Her heart was pounding in her chest. She gulped in huge amounts of air trying to clear her head from the battle haze that had taken over her. She looked around at the surprised villagers that could only stare at her with looks of disbelief on their faces. She saw the fallen all around her. How many because of her hand? How many more to add to the ranks of the dead that followed behind her? Her emotions overwhelmed her and she could feel herself sinking to the ground.

Emilee opened her eyes. She was surprised she wasn't dead. She saw Tobi hovering over her.

" _Thank you_." She managed to utter.

" _It wasn't me_." Tobi simply pointed and Emilee was shocked to see Clarke.

Clarke was fighting like something she could never have imagined her broken friend being like. She had witnessed the blonde's skill with the sword grow over their time together and although her swings were still sloppy and unbalanced there was no doubting the ferocity with which she wielded the weapons. The bandits seemed terrified of the sky leader and began running off. The shop keeper couldn't blame them, Clarke looked fierce and very much a force to be reckoned with and the villagers rallied around her with renewed energy. Emilee watched Clarke stop and look around. She knew that Clarke was not ok. She could see the blonde struggling for breath and struggling to stay on her feet. Emilee grabbed on to Tobi and used him to help pull herself up. She ran unsteadily to Clarke and dropped down next to her friend. She could see the dazed and unfocused look in her eyes and could hear her muttering to herself. Emilee moved closer. She could finally make out the words Clarke was saying.

"I am death." The blonde was repeating those words as if it was a sacred mantra.

Emilee moved in front of Clarke and brought her hands up to the sides of her face.

"Clarke. Clarke. I'm here. Clarke, you're ok. I'm here with you. Focus on me Clarke."

It was those same words that brought Clarke out of her nightmares at night that brought her out of the one she was currently living.

Blue eyes focused on the brown ones in front of her. "I killed them. I couldn't let you die, so I killed them."

"You did what you had to do Clarke. You know this."

Emilee pulled Clarke closer to her but the blonde jerked back and shakily stood up. Clarke looked around again. Nobody was moving. They were focused on the strange blonde that had come to their rescue.

Clarke pointed to a group of soldiers. "Go secure the gates." Clarke stood and began walking to an injured villager. "I need cloth for bandages and water. We need to help the wounded and set up guard rotations. If any of the attackers are alive they need to be tied up. Maybe we can get some answers from them."

The fire still burned in her eyes and nobody questioned her. Emilee could see why the warriors had talked of her with such respect when they came back from the mountain. The sky leader held great power, the power of the stars from which she had fallen from in a fiery blaze. She quickly turned and found Kurt. Kurt was a great warrior and had been left in charge of the village during the General's absence. Together they began to reinforce Clarke's orders and helped organize the new tasks.

Finally the wounded had all been cared for and extra guards had been posted to keep watch, who knew if or when the bandits would be back. The village had two healers and they both would be kept busy throughout the night and the next few days taking care of the injured. Emilee made sure that they had people to help them. They had found four of the bandits still alive. One had soon died because of his wounds and the other three had been locked up. Emilee had stayed close to her friend after the battle and had sent someone to get whatever Clarke needed whenever she asked for something. She had watched the blonde work as she set bones, and cleaned, closed and bandaged wounds. Once all the injured had been taken care of, Emilee saw the look on Clarke's face change. The bright blue eyes returned to their usual duller blue. The blonde look exhausted. She let Emilee lead her back to her house.

Clarke sat silently at the table as Emilee prepared some food for them. While it was getting ready she brought a bowl of water and some cloth and began cleaning the blood from the blonde's hands and face. When she was finished she took Clarke's hands in her own.

"Are you ok?"

Clarke gave a slight nod. "Let me see your wound." Clarke had tried taking care of it earlier but Emilee had refused saying that she would be ok and that there were others that needed to be taken care of first. Clarke helped Emilee take her shirt off and carefully undid the blood soaked bandages Tobi had wrapped around her earlier. The wound was big but luckily wasn't very deep, even so Clarke knew that Emilee had lost a lot of blood. There was a huge bump on her head and Clarke was afraid that her friend might have a concussion.

"I never knew you were a healer, Clarke." While they were eating, Emilee had been thinking about the wounded she had watched Clarke help after the battle.

"I wish I knew more. My mom is a doctor, a healer. I used to help her before I was locked up. It was what I wanted to do. I learned a lot from her but I can't even compare to her and the knowledge she has."

"You have a great skill for it." Emilee winced slightly as Clarke prodded around the edges of her cut to check for internal damage. "You have great skills as a leader too."

Clarke didn't say anything as she cleaned the wound and closed it. She was lost in thought as she began to carefully rewrap bandages around the brunette's slim waist.

"She was right." The blonde spoke the words quietly.

She looked up at Emilee as she finished securing the bandage and saw the confusion on her face. "Lexa. Lexa was right. She said that I was born for this, that I was born to be a leader. It doesn't matter that I never wanted to be one. It doesn't matter how much I try to run from it or avoid it. I guess it is who I am. I can't seem to change that. I tried to walk away. I thought I could leave you to die, Emilee. I thought I could just pretend that you didn't mean that much to me. I couldn't do it though, so I turned back. I was just going to make sure you were safe, but when I saw the fighting and the blood on the ground and I couldn't find you it was like something just came over me. I let the monster take over. What kind of life am I supposed to have when I can't help but take care of others? When I have to make decisions I'm not prepared to make, to be something that I don't want to be, and to do things I don't want to do. I'm nothing but a monster and I don't want to be one, but at the same time I just can't help being one."

Clarke shuddered and immediately felt the warmth of Emilee's embrace.

"You're not a monster, Clarke. I hate that you think of yourself that way. You saved me. You saved the village. I can't even imagine what would have happened if you didn't show up. Everyone is so grateful for your help today."

"I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before they start wishing I wasn't here." The tears had started running out of Clarke's eyes.

Emilee sighed and then lifted her hands up to Clarke's face. She cupped a hand on each cheek and wiped away the tears with her thumbs. She knew that she wouldn't win that argument with Clarke so she wasn't even going to try. Choosing to focus on her own feelings instead. "I know that I would never think that and I am so thankful you are here. If you hadn't have come when you did then I know for sure that I would not he here now." With that said she moved one hand down to grab Clarke's and leaned in placing a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you, Clarke. Now come on. Let's try and get some sleep. I'm sure tomorrow will be a busy day."

Clarke allowed Emilee to pull her towards her room where the two got ready for bed. Clarke had felt bad that Emilee ended up leaving her bed every night to console her after her nightmares. Three nights ago she had followed Emilee to her room and had softly explained that she hated dragging the other woman out of her bed and she sheepishly admitted that she didn't want to sleep alone. Emilee had just chuckled and said she didn't mind and that if Clarke wanted to share her bed then that was fine. Once they were settled under the furs Clarke scooted in closer to Emilee's warm side. It had been a very trying day and she needed to feel the calming presence of her friend. She immediately felt the young grounder's arm slide underneath her shoulders, turning the blonde towards her and sliding an arm around her waist. Clarke adjusted her head on her friend's shoulder and wrapped her own arm around Emilee's waist being careful of her wound.

Clarke was tired and fell asleep very soon after lying down. She's been asleep for just over two hours when she found herself struggling to wake up. She had only wanted to sleep for an hour, but her body had other plans. She really was worried that Emilee might have suffered a concussion when she was hit and she had wanted to wake her friend after an hour to make sure that there hadn't been any damage to her brain. She didn't know what she would do if there was. She wasn't prepared to handle anything like that here, but maybe between her and the healers they could figure something out.

Clarke rubbed her hand up and down Emilee's arm. "Emilee." She quietly called.

Clarke called her name several times and received no response. She shook her shoulder a little harder and still nothing. Clarke bolted upright beginning to panic.

"It's ok Clarke. I'm here. It was just a dream." Emilee sat up and wrapped her arms around Clarke as she spoke.

Clarke let out a sigh of relief and then began to laugh. The sound caught both of them off guard. It was the first time Emilee had ever truly heard Clarke laugh.

"What is...I don't under...are you ok?" Emilee's struggle to speak due to her confusion only caused Clarke to laugh harder.

"I'm fine, Emilee." Clarke finally managed to get out. "I was worried about that hit you took to the head today and I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I was just getting worried because I was having a hard time waking you up."

Emilee finally realizing what had happened began to laugh herself as Clarke grabbed a candle from the table by the bed to check her friend's pupils. Satisfied with what she saw she placed the candle back.

"I'll probably wake you in a few hours to check again. For now you should get some more sleep."

"You woke me up to tell me to go back to sleep?"

"Often times head wounds like this can have symptoms that show up hours later and it's best to catch any problems early if there are any. I just want to make sure you are ok." With that said, Clarke laid back down pulling the brunette with her. "Now get some rest. It will help you heal."

Emilee let out another small laugh while placing a kiss on Clarke's cheek before wrapping her arms back around the blonde.

Clarke had woken up once trembling and covered in sweat. Emilee was still asleep and Clarke tightened her hold on her until her breathing returned to normal before she woke her friend up to check on her again.

As soon as she woke, Clarke wanted to go and check on the wounded and see if the guards had anything to report and see if they had gotten any information from the prisoners yet, but Emilee made her eat first. She knew that once Clarke started it would be a while before the sky leader would stop. The two were currently walking to where the prisoners were being held.

Clarke had been deep in thought as they walked and finally voiced her concerns to her friend. "I think that we may have underestimated the bandits. Something isn't right. I think that they have purposely been attacking further away to mislead the army. Those reports all said the same thing about small groups attacking. I think that they either wanted to lead the army away to hit here and possibly other larger villages or they are trying to set a trap for the army. I'm just not sure yet but something really doesn't feel right. They had to have been watching this place. That would explain the timing of their attack and that would mean that their numbers are far greater than anyone thought."

The two approached the building where the prisoners were being held. There were several warriors standing guard outside and with them was Kurt.

" _Kurt, this is Clarke of the Skaikru_." Emilee formally introduced her friend.

Kurt looked at Clarke and bowed his head in respect taking Clarke aback a little.

" _I've tried talking to them but they refuse to say anything_."

" _One of them must be able to tell us something_." The determination was clearly written on Clarke's face as she walked inside the building.

Clarke stopped inside the first room. She could see two warriors guarding a door that led into another room where the prisoners were being held. She turned to Kurt.

" _Bring one of them here_."

Kurt motioned to the guards and they left the room only to return a moment later with one of the bandits. His hands were tied behind his back. Clarke began walking towards him. The fear was evident on his face as he watched her approach.

A half hour later Clarke, Emilee, and Kurt exited the building. It turned out that the prisoner was very willing to tell Clarke everything. This had surprised by Kurt and Emilee that the man feared Clarke more than he feared death. Clarke's thoughts had been confirmed. The bandits had sent two small groups north to lead the Commander's army away while they attacked Knoxville. Their main camp was a days walk northwest of the village. There was a small pass that lead to it and they had planned on drawing the main army back that way and ambushing them. Their numbers were indeed far greater than anyone had thought. Nearly 500 in total.

Clarke turned towards Emilee. "Do you have maps of the area he was talking about?"

Emilee nodded.

"Kurt, send your fastest riders to the army. Have them tell Indra that it is a trap and that they should return here so we can regroup and plan."

Kurt nodded and set off immediately to the task.

Clarke and Emilee were standing by the table in her house. The surface was covered with a map. Clarke had been studying it for the last hour.

"What are you thinking Clarke?"

"I think we should set out tomorrow to scout the area where their main camp is. We need to see if what we were told is true and to see if there is a way to take them out."

"You plan on going yourself?" Emilee was concerned for her friend.

Clarke sighed. "What other choice is there? I'm a part of this now and I will do what I can. They have to be stopped. Once Indra arrives with the army we should be able to take them out, but we need to have a plan ready."

Emilee placed a hand on Clarke's arm. "Are you ok with this? You know some of these people. Are you ready for them to know you're here?"

Clarke sighed heavily. "I don't know if I am or not. One thing at a time I guess. I've always known that I couldn't hide forever and ready or not things are what they are."


	11. Chapter 11

A/N I'm so very sorry about the long time between postings. I was caught up in a last minute work assignment that took over my life for a month. Then I ran into some unexpected health issues. One major surgery and a brief hospital stay later and I am home recovering nicely and off the pain meds enough to form coherent thoughts again. At least I hope they are coherent. Not being able to move around much or drive or basically leave the house for weeks isn't the most convenient thing this time of year. I suppose it has helped me reflect on what is really important though. Happy holidays everyone. Thank you for hanging in there and for your continued support.

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Chapter 11

Thoughts of soon seeing familiar faces kept Clarke from falling asleep for a while. She knew Octavia and Lincoln were with Indra. She wasn't sure how many others she would recognize or if anyone else from Camp Jaha was with them. She knew she wasn't ready to face them, let alone go back home, but she was in this now. That couldn't be helped anymore. She laid there for a time listening to the even breaths of the sleeping brunette next to her. When she finally did fall asleep the nightmares came fast and hard. They were far worse than she'd experienced in a long while.

They started out pretty much the same as they always did. The dead coming back to ask her why. Why she had killed them. Hands pulling at her limbs and her clothes and tangling in her hair. The unseeing eyes of the people she killed staring right through her. Then the dream changed to something new. She was leading the grounder army against the bandits. The fighting was growing more and more heated. The warriors of the army gathered around her as they pushed their enemy back. Clarke looked around and shouted words of encouragement to the hundreds that followed her. Their numbers were far greater than those of the bandits. There was no question on which side was winning. Out of the corner of her eye, Clarke saw a small shape fly through the air. She turned and directed her gaze in that direction, a look of horror spreading across her face as she realized the small shape was one of the children she had killed in the mountain. He had jumped onto one of the bandits and was currently latched to his neck. Teeth and nails were ripping and clawing at the tender skin of his throat. That was when Clarke noticed that the bandit wasn't a bandit. It was Lincoln. Looking around she noticed that those fighting with her were all the dead she had killed and they were fighting against her friends. She saw Octavia lying on the ground, her eyes dull and lifeless. She saw her would be rapist plunging his sword into Emilee's chest. She saw dozens of her dead warriors surrounding the fallen body of Lexa. That was when the screams started.

Emilee had the hardest time trying to break through to the sleeping blonde. Clarke was mumbling and thrashing around as Emilee gently tried to wake her friend. The mumbling and quiet sobs turned quickly to blood curdling screams of terror. Gentleness just wasn't working and Emilee soon found herself forcibly shaking her friend and yelling in her ear to be heard over the blonde's own screams. Finally Clarke heard the familiar voice in her ear and made the leap from sleep to awake with a violent jerk upright. She was drenched in sweat and tears. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was shaking uncontrollably. Her throat was raw and dry and the breaths she was able to pull into her lungs rattled deep inside her chest. She clung to Emilee so hard that the brunette knew there would be bruises. That didn't matter though, only Clarke mattered. She held her friend and whispered words of comfort in her ear as she rubbed gentle, soothing circles on her back and gave her as much time as she needed to regain her composure.

The door to Emilee's room opened suddenly and she could see Tobi standing there with a worried look on his face. Emilee signaled to him that everything was fine and he quietly closed the door and left. There was no doubt that Clarke's screams had traveled beyond the walls of her house. She knew that Tobi wouldn't go far and would prevent anyone else from entering if someone else did show up to see where the screams had come from.

When Clarke's sobs turned to hiccups, Emilee reached over to the table to grab the water she kept there. The cool liquid momentarily soothed the burning in Clarke's raw throat. Her breathing and heartbeat were returning to normal but her body still trembled. From the way her throat felt, Clarke thought that she must have woken the entire village with her screams.

Without letting go of her friend and when she was finally able to speak, Clarke told her of the dream. The tremors still racked her body and her voice was more husky than normal due to the rawness in her throat. Her voice wavered as she fought to keep control. "Will it ever end? How can I redeem myself of my actions when it seems like the only answer is more death? I burned all those warriors to save my people. I sacrificed Finn to gain the alliance with the Trikru. The Trikru broke the alliance and abandoned us at the mountain. I then had to sacrifice the people in the mountain to free my friends, but I couldn't stay around them anymore so I sacrificed myself so that they could keep their freedom without having to shoulder the burden of the deaths made to earn them that freedom. Every time there has been trouble it seems I have had to kill to save myself or to save someone else. I have tried to just be on my own and not worry about anyone else anymore but I realize that I can't do that. I have accepted the fact that I am a bringer of death and yet I am still haunted by my actions. I can't find my own redemption by removing myself from leadership. I can't find redemption by taking control. With each battle I lose more of myself. I will soon have nothing left of myself to give. There's barely anything left now. Am I just destined to walk this earth with my army of dead following my every step?"

Emilee had no answer for Clarke. She wished more than anything that she could help take this burden from her friend but she knew that wasn't possible. She could be there to comfort and support her friend but the redemption was something Clarke needed to figure out and accept for herself. "I can't answer your questions Clarke. All I can do is promise you that you do not have to walk this path alone. I will be by your side for as long as the fates allow."

Those words brought more comfort to Clarke than she thought would be possible and she clung to them as she clung to the girl that held her and it was enough for now.

Sleep did not come again for the two friends. They talked of their plans for the next day and finally got out of bed. The sun still had not risen as they packed items and prepared things for the scouting mission. Even after eating breakfast they still had time before their group was set to leave. Tobi would be joining them and another warrior, a young man named Eric. Eric had grown up with Tobi and the two were as close as brothers. Emilee was sitting at the table and putting her war paint on her face as Clarke sat next to her. Her sketch book was open but the page was blank. She picked up the stick of charcoal and touched the tip to the paper. The blonde willed her hand to move but the images would not come. Sighing she placed the charcoal back down on the table. Emilee grabbed her hand and gave it a slight squeeze and then picked up her face paint and turned Clarke's face towards her. She studied the blonde's face for a moment and then began applying the black makeup. Clarke's initial reaction was to jump away. She wasn't sure what she thought about wearing the paint.

"I'm not sure if this is a good idea. I'm not one of you."

Emilee looked into Clarke's eyes for a moment before replying. "This does not say who or what you are, Clarke." Emilee waved the blackened tips of her fingers. "Your head and your heart do that. This..." She waved her fingers again. "This is to show those cowards how intimidating you can appear and it gives them a chance to run away before you chop them down with your blades."

The two girls both laughed at that. Clarke thought again of how lucky she was to have the grounder as a friend. Emilee always seemed to know what she was thinking or feeling and what she needed. Her wisdom and her humor were good for her.

"What do you think?" Emilee asked as she held up a small mirror for Clarke.

Clarke didn't recognize the face that looked at her from the glass. It wasn't just the paint, but what was underneath it. The eyes were hard and almost icy and she saw no sign of the glint of life that she was used to seeing when she was on the Ark. The face seemed gaunt and stoic. She was sure there would have been noticeable dark circles under her eyes if not for the black that covered under her eyes and stretched from the outside of her eyes straight back. It was a simple thick line that went no higher than the outside corner of her eye. The bottom of the line was highlighted with white.

"It's been so long since I've seen my own face...I don't know who this is." Clarke slowly lowered the mirror.

"You look strong and fierce. You look like the Clarke that I know. Everyone changes throughout their lives until they become the person they were meant to become. One day you will get there. For now though, you have gone through some hard experiences and it might show a little now but eventually you will find your way and change again." Emilee's words as always brought a slight comfort to Clarke.

The two girls finally gathered up their things and headed out to meet Tobi and Eric. The men were waiting with the horses by the gate. After securing their gear to the horses they mounted up and headed out. They traveled silently for a while as they held the horses to a fairly fast pace.

It was after midday when they finally stopped to rest the horses and to grab a bite to eat. Clarke and Tobi were looking at the map Clarke had brought with her.

"We should reach this point before nightfall. I think we should stop there. The trail after that heads to the only path from this side that leads to where their camp is." Clarke was pointing to the map as she spoke. "I have a feeling that if we take the horses down that mountain pass then we're going to run into trouble. They'll be able to see us before we see them or there will be some kind of trap. I'm not sure what but I just don't have a good feeling about it."

"What do you suggest we do?" Tobi trusted Emilee completely and if Emilee trusted Clarke then he would do the same. Not only had she saved his friend but also helped to save his own village. He had also heard the stories the warriors told when they had returned from the Commander's army about the strong and fearless leader that fell from the sky and Emilee had confirmed that the sky leader they spoke of was Clarke. They knew from the look Emilee had given them that they were not to mention anything to Clarke or ask her questions on anything that happened before she came to their village.

"I think we should move off the path here before it heads through the mountain. We should leave the horses in this area here and then travel by foot until dark and then make camp for a few hours around this area. No fires, no light. Then once the moon is high we should continue straight up the mountain until we can get above this path and then follow it down to the valley where their camp is. The moon should be full enough to give enough light and the sky should be clear tonight."

Tobi was very impressed with Clarke's plan and did not hesitate to agree to it and assured her the other two would as well.

It was just a few more hours until the group headed off the path they were on and began weaving in and out of the trees. Tobi led the way knowing the general area where Clarke had suggested they leave the horses. When he felt they had traveled far enough off the path he stopped and sent Eric ahead to scout out an area with both enough room and coverage to leave the horses. It wasn't long before he returned and led them to the spot he had picked out. It didn't take long for them to get the horses ready to leave. They did not strip the animals of their gear since they knew they wouldn't be gone long and that they may need to make a quick escape when they did return. They each carried a pack with basic supplies and food and water and were soon on their way again.

The group was silent as they carefully made their way through the trees. They were approaching the place that Clarke had picked out on the map. A few minutes later the blonde came to a stop.

"We'll wait here until the moon rises. Remember, no fire, no light, and no sound." Clarke said as she swung her pack off of her shoulders and set it down near the base of a large rock. She then sat down next to it and leaned back against the boulder. "I suggest you rest until then. Eric take first watch. Wake Tobi in an hour."

Eric took off to scout the perimeter and Tobi found a place under a nearby tree to sit down. Emilee took off her pack and sat down next to Clarke. She pulled some dried meat out of her pack and handed some to her friend.

"Are you ok?" Emilee's soft voice broke through the deep thoughts Clarke had been lost in.

The blonde looked at her friend. "I just have this feeling that I can't shake but I know that we need to get information on the bandits for the army." She suddenly grabbed Emilee's hand and gave it a desperate squeeze. "If something happens to any of us then the others will need to get the information to Indra. Even if that means leaving someone behind."

"Clarke, this is just a scouting mission. We aren't planning on confronting the raiders."

The sky leader was quick to answer. "I know. It's just this feeling that something is going to happen. Promise me Emilee, if something does go wrong then you will make sure that what needs to happen will happen."

Emilee was concerned by the urgency in Clarke's voice. "I promise Clarke. I'll let the guys know before we head out."

The two sat in silence after that as they finished eating. Afterwards, Emilee leaned her head against Clarke's shoulder and was soon asleep. Clarke closed her eyes but couldn't do anything more than rest. Her mind refused to let her sleep. Keeping still had never been a strength for her. She wanted to get up and move around and to just be doing something, but she didn't want to disturb Emilee and she knew she needed to rest.

 _You should rest Clarke._

Clarke's eyes shot open as the words echoed in her head. Familiar words that seemed to have come from a lifetime ago. That voice, brown hair, and green eyes.

"Lexa." The one small word slipped out of the blonde's mouth in a whisper and Clarke almost let the image of the Commander materialize in her mind before she shoved the thought back to wherever her brain kept it hidden from her. It was so much easier and far less confusing to not think about the Commander.

Tobi approached Clarke a few hours later. He thought the blonde was asleep but her blue eyes opened as he began to approach her.

"It's time to go. Wake up Eric and we'll head out in 10 minutes." Emilee awoke and lifted her head off of Clarke's shoulder as she spoke.

The moon was nearly full and gave plenty of light for the group to see where they were going. They made their way carefully to a small ravine. On the other side of this where the trail was that led to the bandit's camp. The way down was pretty steep and slow going but the four made their way down and up to the other side until they were just below the trail. Clarke motioned for them to stop and after watching and listening for a few minutes she led the way across the trail that was actually more of a small road, and into the trees above it. From there they quickly followed the trail until they came to the bandit's camp. A very empty camp.

"We're too late. They've already set off after the army. Indra's going to lead her army right into them." Tobi said out loud what they all were thinking.

Clarke had walked over to a fire pit and was currently kneeling next to it. She had pulled out her knife and was stirring the ashes around. "Not more than 4 hours old. We need to hurry back to the horses. Eric, you're going to head back to Knoxville and let Kurt know what's going on and then meet up with us. Bring as many warriors as you can. The rest of us will see if we can get to Indra before the bandits do. They probably plan on moving through the night. Pray that we're not too late to warn them."


	12. Chapter 12

Guest Reviews:

Niki Khan - I don't think you are the first one who has thought about "Emilarke" as a thing. The funny thing about it is that Emilee was never meant to be that big of a character in my story, but she grew on me. I love the friendship that she has developed with Clarke. Will that develop into something more? I would say that all things are possible, we'll see how the story turns out.

SummerStormWar – You are right, they did send someone to warn the army that they were headed into a trap. What they didn't know is that heading back to Knoxville they would wind up walking straight into the bandits. They had thought that Indra could bring her army back to Knoxville so they could regroup.

Ash – Thank you so much for your well wishes and encouragement. It is very much appreciated.

Laura – No worries, I plan on seeing this story through to the end. Glad you love it.

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Chapter 12

They had been pushing the horses hard for the last few hours when Clarke brought her mount to a stop. She raised her hand as she did, bringing the others to a halt behind her. She quickly dismounted and handed the reins to Emilee.

"I'll be right back. I just want to scout over the ridge." Clarke turned and sprinted the rest of the way up the hill.

This had already happened a few times as they rode. One of them would scout out the next valley before they would continue on. They didn't follow the main path that the army of bandits would have taken but had cut through the trees hoping to make up time. Clarke drew in a sharp breath as she reached the top. Far across the valley she could see the fires of the Commander's army. Clarke knew there would be some guards but the rest of the camp would be asleep. To her right she could make out the bodies in the moonlight weaving their way through the trees. The bandits appeared to be grouping up in the safety of the trees preparing their attack on the unsuspecting army. Kurt's messenger would have reached Indra earlier on in the day and the general would have immediately turned to head back to Knoxville, unknowingly leading her army straight into the hands of the bandits. Clarke knew that the bandits plan was to have trapped the army between their main group and the combined forces of the smaller groups they had sent north to lure the army that way. While the Commander's army would not be trapped between the two forces any longer they would still be unsuspecting of the bandits' attack.

Clarke turned to make her way back to Emilee and Tobi. She began to speak as soon as she was close enough.

"The Commander's army is camped on the far edge of the valley. The bandits are just over the ridge there. They're preparing to attack."

Clarke's arm was still pointing in the direction of where the bandits were when she heard a slight movement behind her followed by a rough voice telling her not to move.

The blonde glanced behind her to see two bandits making their way towards her. They both had swords drawn.

Clarke knew that she wouldn't be able to make it to her horse before the bandits would be on her. The army needed to be warned. The sky leader looked at Emilee catching her eyes. Her voice was low. "Remember what I told you. You need to warn them. Go!"

Emilee knew Clarke was right. If they tried to help Clarke then there was no telling how many more of the bandits were behind these two and they could be quickly outnumbered. The main force of bandits could attack the sleeping army any moment now. They needed to be given as much warning as possible. She dropped the reins of her friend's horse and spun her own horse to the side. Tobi followed close behind her as they gave Clarke and the two bandits a wide berth and headed for the top of the ridge. Emilee could see the fires from the Commander's army on the far side of the valley. She knew there was no way they could make it there without the bandits becoming aware of their presence. The only option was to ride hard and hope they could raise the alert in time to give the sleeping warriors a chance to be ready for the impending attack. She spurred her horse as she gave a last thought to her friend she was leaving behind. She knew Clarke could more than take care of herself, but she couldn't help worrying about her anyway.

Clarke drew her sword as she turned to face the two men that were approaching her. One of them had turned and shouted to someone. Clarke didn't pay attention to what he said. Probably telling someone about Emilee and Tobi, or herself. It didn't matter to the blonde and she immediately charged the two men in front of her. The sharp blade of her sword sliced through the closest man before the other even had a chance to turn fully back around after yelling behind him. He quickly took a step back, nearly tripping over his own feet as his buddy fell to the ground. Clarke saw the rage in his eyes as he lunged forward. His sword swinging away from his right side and straight towards her. He was big and powerful, but Clarke was faster. She dropped down low and used the balls of her feet to propel herself into a roll. She quickly jumped up from the somersault and turned to face the man as he came at her again. His reach was longer than she anticipated and she wasn't able to block his next swing head on. The angle caused his blade to slide across hers and the top end of his sword left a deep cut across her forearm. Her whole arm vibrated from the impact, but the sky leader didn't hesitate in drawing her sword back and swinging it around hard and low. The blow caught the bandit just behind his knee and the leg gave out under him. He was on his knees and trying to push himself back into a standing position. Clarke saw her opportunity and took it. She sprang behind him and ran her blade through his back and straight into his heart.

Emilee and Tobi were pushing the horses as fast as they could across the small valley. She wasn't sure exactly how many of the bandits were chasing them, she could only hear the echo of hoofbeats behind them. She knew it wasn't many, maybe three or four. It would be enough though if they caught up to them. Already she had heard a few arrows whistle past her head. She began shouting as soon as she thought she was within hearing range of the guards she knew would be posted outside the camp. She could hear the sounds of the horses behind them getting closer. She knew their own horses had been ridden hard that night and didn't have much left in them. She could see the lather flying from her horse's neck as the reigns scraped across it. She leaned forward and whispered in the ears that were nearly completely flattened against the great animal's head for just a little more. The beast responded with a flicker of one ear as her speed increased. It was just a moment later that Emillee heard an answer to her warning yell. She could hear shouting and could see the camp start to stir. She heard the sound of the arrows coming from the other direction this time as they flew into targets behind them.

The horses shuddered to a stop as they reached the camp. The two dismounted and Tobi grabbed the reigns for both horses. "Find Indra, I'll take care of them."

Emilee wasted no time in heading off to where the army was gathering together. She knew Indra would be there. The young grounder could see her own village general standing with the Commander's great dark skinned general. She quickly made her way to them to give her report.

After dealing with the second bandit, Clarke turned to look for her horse. She saw the dagger land in the ground in front of her before she felt where it had grazed the side of her face. She looked behind her to see a half dozen bandits running towards her. Knowing she couldn't take them all at once, she turned and ran through the trees. Her only chance was to lose them or separate them if possible. She twisted through the trees trying to put distance between her and them. She knew she would have to make a stand and fight before she became too tired. She turned and crouched behind the nearest bush. She could hear the bandits tearing through the forest. Thinking quickly, she glanced down around her. Finding what she was looking for she shifted her sword to her right hand as she picked up the rock. Standing up she hurled the rock as far as she could in front of her. She could hear the bandits switch directions and head towards where she had thrown a rock. Stooping down she picked up another rock. This one she threw ahead and to her left. Another stoop and another rock flew ahead and to the right. She could hear the movement of the men stop for a moment. When the sound of movement continued it came from several different directions. Clarke waited a few minutes then headed towards her left. Walking quietly she stole her way towards her enemy. Hoping to catch them by surprise.

* * *

Lexa knew they were getting close to the area where Indra's army would be. Her last report said she had left Knoxville and was heading north to deal with the bandits. The Commander wasn't sure if she was anxious for some kind of action or if it was something else, but something had made her decide to push on through the night. She was riding at the head of her small group. They had picked up about 50 more warriors on their way, all mounted warriors. Her hand came up and touched the lump she could feel inside her jacket. It was more of a subconscious motion by now. This trip had made it harder for the thoughts of blue eyes and golden hair to stay hidden in her mind. She knew that they would find no trace of the missing sky leader on their journey and she would not allow herself even the smallest spark of hope that they would see or hear any sign of her. Her wandering thoughts were interrupted by the sound of battle that came filtering through her ever alert senses. She stopped and signaled for Ryder and Maka to approach her. She sent them ahead to see what was going on. She waited there with the others for their return. Glancing behind her she could see the lightening sky that spoke of a sun about to pop up over the mountain behind them. It was less than five minutes before Ryder and Maka returned.

"Commander, it is them." Ryder's report was simple.

Lexa gave a slight nod and then started forward. Ryder and Maka stayed by her sides and the others followed closely behind her.

The sun was just beginning to rise behind them as Lexa took in the scene before fighting was fierce. She quietly signaled the warriors behind her and they moved to join in the battle. She headed down as well, still flanked by her trusted guards, unsheathing her sword as she rode. From her position on her mount, she slashed her sword at any enemy that was in range. As soon as she broke through the enemies ranks and was surrounded by more of her army than bandits, she dismounted and joined the fighting on foot.

* * *

Clarke had killed four of her pursuers and had no idea where the other two had gone. She turned and headed back towards the top of the ridge. Right before she reached the top she heard movement coming from her right. The young leader froze. The noise came again and she let out a breath. It was her horse. She gently called the mare's name as she walked over. She untangled the reins from the bush they were caught in and led the beast the rest of the way to the top. She watched the fighting for a moment before mounting her horse and heading off to where the fighting had looked the thickest. As she rode she prepared her mind for what she knew was to come. More souls to add to her unwanted collection. More lives lost to her actions. More of her own soul to be lost, not that she thought there was much more to lose. With that last thought Clarke raised the sword in her left hand and brought it down on one of the bandits, splitting his head open in the process. The sky girl saw someone charging her from the right. She spun her horse in that direction. The quick movement caused the tired horse to stumble, spilling Clarke onto the ground. The blonde rolled to her feet and quickly engaged the man that had been after her and another that had joined him.

Emilee was relieved when she saw Clarke riding towards them. When the shop keeper saw her friend go down she rushed off in that direction. Reaching her she helped Clarke take care of the two bandits that she had been fighting. Clarke turned slightly and took in the sight of her friend. She gave her a slight smile and then focused back on the man in front of her.

The two friends continued to fight side by side. It wasn't much longer before they noticed that their enemy had started to flee. Clarke was currently engaged with one of the bandits. He had managed to give her a slice across the ribs and then knocked her feet out from under her with a swipe of his foot. Clarke immediately sprang back up. She grabbed another sword that she had seen right there on the ground by her. She ducked away from another swing and brought both arms forward. The two blades had no trouble sliding through the bandit's leather armor and into his chest. Sensing another presence behind her she quickly pulled the two blades back out and spun around ready to attack. Her eyes locked on the clear green eyes in front of her. She was effectively paralyzed by the flood of emotions that hit her like a ship crashing to the ground. Hatred, love, want, confusion, disbelief, rage. As well as the emotions, every moment of the time spent with the woman in front of her played through her mind. So many thoughts and feelings cycled through her mind and body at light speed.

Emilee moved to stand by Clarke's side. Her head dipped down slightly as the single word left her lips. "Heda."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Lexa turned in the saddle searching for her next target when she noticed a rider crossing the field at a full gallop. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the golden hair that streaked behind the rider. The newly risen sun shone off the blonde locks. The Commander's breath caught in her throat. She briefly closed her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. Her mind had to be playing tricks on her. There was no other explanation. She was sure that the images of the sky leader that she had tried to keep repressed had finally materialized into reality. Opening her eyes again she focused her gaze across the battlefield and the beat of her heart faltered and then doubled as she realized that her mind wasn't playing tricks on her. She closed her eyes again, this time in relief.

"Clarke." The single whispered word conveyed the release of all the fears of the blonde's fate that had populated her mind since she had left her at the door to Mount Weather.

Lexa couldn't help but turn her horse in the direction of the sky girl. She wasn't sure what she was going to do when she reached the other girl. She remembered the message Oden had brought her as she reached up and felt the tiny bulge the braid in her pocket created. She watched as the blonde's horse stumbled and the girl tumbled to the ground. She worried momentarily until she realized that Clarke was ok. She stared in awe at the other girl's competency with a blade as she attacked her opponents. She quickly dismounted when she saw the blonde go down, worry filling her mind again, but then hesitated as she watched the sky leader roll and spring back to her feet. She was just a few feet away when she saw her plunge the two swords into her opponent's chest then quickly pull them out and turn to face her. She saw the fiery rage in the bright blue eyes that she had thought she would never see again. Confusion and then recognition sparked in those eyes and then Lexa could see the changing emotions flicker across the other girl's face so fast that she didn't know what the blonde was thinking or feeling. She barely took in the brunette that had moved to the other girl's side. Her eyes never straying from the blonde in front of her. She took in her appearance. The hardened face with fresh blood smeared across her cheek, the way she looked leaner but stronger, the slightly hollow look to her eyes. The war paint was not something she had ever seen the blonde in before but it suited her. She wanted desperately to reach out and pull the girl to her. It had been so long since she had seen her, but she restrained herself.

"Clarke." That one word again. This time spoken louder and with a tenderness in her voice that was reserved for the sky girl alone.

Clarke heard her name come from the lips that she had often thought about since they had pressed against her own. Feelings of longing filled her but were quickly replaced by anger and sadness as the Commander's betrayal surfaced fresh in her mind. It was more than she could take. She tried to mask her emotions before she turned her shaking body as she forced her feet to move. She could feel the tears sting her eyes as she walked away. She blinked and willed them away. She wasn't sure if she wanted to run as far away as possible or to turn back and confront the reason that had forced her to make the decisions she had been struggling to live with. She didn't know what she wanted but she did know that she wasn't ready to deal with this and so she kept moving. She felt Emilee's calming presence as her friend fell into step beside her. She wanted to fall into the calming embrace she knew she would receive from the shop keeper but she wouldn't allow herself to show that weakness in front of the leader of the clans.

Emilee knew the battle that was raging inside her friend. She knew that there was nothing she could do at this moment but show her support by staying by the sky girl's side. She saw a brunette step into their path. She recognized the younger girl from Knoxville. She was the one that she had arranged the supplies with.

"Clarke?" The name came out as more of a question that anything else as the brunette moved in front of the blonde.

Clarke recognized Octavia. She saw her lips move but didn't hear what came out of her mouth. Her world felt like it was spinning and it was taking everything inside of her just to stay upright. Her step slowed momentarily as she approached closer to her old friend. The girl's harsh words from the tunnel replayed in her mind. How the younger Blake sibling had said she wasn't good enough. She avoided Octavia's gaze and stepped around her. Between the unexpected appearance of Lexa and the remembrance of hurtful actions and words, she was losing control.

Octavia's eyes flickered to the grounder walking beside Clarke and saw the other girl slightly shake her head. At the same time Lincoln, who had been by her side, placed his hand on the arm she hadn't realized she had extended in Clarke's direction. She heard his low voice in her ear telling her not now. He had seen the brief interaction that had taken place between Clarke and the Commander and he knew that the blonde needed time to process the unexpected reunion.

Clarke knew that she couldn't run away no matter how much she wanted to disappear at that moment, but she needed something to distract herself while she regained control of her emotions. She had been prepared to face Octavia and Lincoln, even Indra, but she was definitely not expecting to see Lexa and it threw her off. She saw an older warrior lying on the ground, his hand clenched around his thigh. She could see the blood seeping out around his grip and when the realization that the warrior was injured made its way into her clouded brain she dashed to his side and kneeled down. Emilee was right there next to her as she gently moved the warrior's hands aside to look at his wound. It was deep and would need stitches. Her eyes met Emilee's and her friend knew exactly what the silent question was.

"I'll be right back." She stated simply before jumping up.

Clarke's hands now covered the wound on the man's leg to stop the blood flow as she waited for her friend to return.

Lexa wanted so badly to follow Clarke but she knew that now was not the time or place. Her duties as Commander took over as Indra approached her. The wounded needed to be tended to and plans needed to be made to finish dealing with the bandits that had retreated. She stole glances at the blonde as she moved around the camp helping the healers tend to the wounded. The brunette that shadowed Clarke was not lost on her. She knew who Emilee was, who her father was. She knew the young grounder had solidified trade agreements for her clan with the other clans. She knew that Emilee would one day take her father's place as head of the plains clan. She wondered if Clarke knew who she really was. She knew that the girl had been avoiding her role as the next leader of her clan. She just couldn't get over her disbelief that Clarke was actually here. She could tell that Clarke was still hurt and angry but she wanted the chance to be able to talk to her. She would not give up hope that things would eventually be ok between them. She knew that would not be today but she hoped that she would at least have the opportunity to make things right now that the girl had been found.

Clarke was exhausted, both mentally and physically. She sighed out loud when she had finally finished helping to tend to the wounded. The cuts in her arm and side were throbbing. She knew the wounds needed to be cleaned. She watched as her friend approached her.

"Come, Clarke. Tobi has a tent set up for us. We can take care of your wounds and rest a little." Emilee said as she helped Clarke gather up the supplies she had been using.

Clarke had been lost in thought as Emilee cleaned and bandaged her wounds. Of course Clarke would not let Emilee even start helping her until the blonde had checked the cut on her side that Emilee had received two days prior when they fought the bandits at Knoxville, and a new small gash on her back she had received that morning. Emilee did not say anything as she worked. She knew her friend was still processing the unexpected meeting with the Commander. She knew Clarke well enough to know that she would speak when she was ready to. Emilee finished securing the bandage around Clarke's mid-section and helped the girl put her undershirt back on.

"Why don't you lie down, Clarke. You didn't sleep last night and barely the night before." Emilee's voice was soft and low but had broken into the sky girl's thoughts.

Clarke focused her gaze on her friend. "You have had just as little sleep as I have, Emilee. I will rest soon. I think I should go report to...to Le..." She couldn't bring herself to say the name. She closed her eyes tightly and inhaled deeply and then slowly let the breath out. "They need to know about the bandits' camp. I'm sure that's where they fled to and we've seen the layout."

"Yes Clarke, Tobi said they were arranging a meeting. It should be about time. You're right though, WE have seen the layout. Tobi and I can go report. You don't need to."

"My past has finally caught up with me and I can't hide from it anymore." Clarke absently picked at the edge of the bandage Emilee had wrapped around her forearm. "I'm not ready to be alone with any of them yet. Will you stay with me?"

Emilee could hear the uncertainty in Clarke's voice and in response to her question she leaned in and embraced her friend. "Of course. You don't even have to ask. I'm here Clarke."

Clarke fought the urge to break down in the safety of Emilee's arms and slowly released the shop keeper. She could deal with her emotions later. Right now it was more important to pass on the information they had.

One of the guards posted outside of the General's tent lifted the flap to the side and allowed Emilee and Clarke to enter. Emilee reached down and gave her friend's hand a gentle squeeze before letting go and walking through the entrance with Clarke following right behind her. The two joined the field commanders that were gathered around a war table. Clarke allowed herself a quick glance at Lexa, who was standing at the head of the table that was covered with maps. Indra was standing to her right and the leader of Knoxville, Bryant, was standing to her left. She glanced around the table recognizing a few faces but her mind was too focused on controlling her emotions that she couldn't place names to go along with the faces. Standing at the back wall of the tent behind Indra were Lincoln and Octavia. Octavia tried to lock gazes with the blonde, but Clarke quickly looked away. Behind Lexa was a warrior Clarke recognized. He was the one who had followed Clarke and who she had given her message for Lexa to. She searched her mind and came up with his name. Oden. Next to him was another warrior that looked familiar. One of the Commander's trusted guards. His name eluded her at the moment though and instead of dwelling on it she turned her eyes to Lexa as the Commander began to speak. Clarke's eyes would not reach Lexa's face but instead settled on the shoulder guard of the Commander. She tried to focus on the conversation that was going on. There was a heavy pause in the air and Clarke realized that everyone was looking at her and Emilee waiting for their report. She looked at the shopkeeper and saw the unasked question on her face. Emilee was ready to fill in the gathered leaders if Clarke wanted her to. Clarke gave a slight shake of her head and took in a deep breath before she began to speak. She told them what they had seen at the bandits' camp. Stepping closer to the table she pointed out the location on the map and began to describe in detail the routes in and out of the area and the exact locations of things like what had appeared to be supply tents and such in the camp.

Lexa watched the sky leader and carefully masked how impressed she was with the blonde. She was speaking entirely in Trigedasleng. It was impressive how much of the language the sky girl had mastered since she had last seen her. It was hard to believe that this was the girl that had fallen out of the sky such a short time ago, although she wasn't too surprised knowing how intelligent the girl was. It meant though that she must have been spending a great deal of time with grounders somewhere. She stole a quick glance to the brunette standing by Clarke's side before focusing back on the conversation.

It didn't take long for the group to come up with a plan. The meeting ended soon after. Clarke turned to file out of the tent with the rest of the leaders when she heard Lexa call to her. She hesitated a moment, keeping her back to the Commander and allowed the others to continue exiting the tent. This was her chance and she didn't take it. Lexa watched as Clarke began walking again. The blonde paused once more at the entrance and Lexa's hopes that the girl would turn around and talk to her began to rise. They were the only two left inside. She took a step to the backwards to walk around the table just as the blonde took another step forward and disappeared out of the tent. The hurt flickered across her face as she watched the tent flap settle back into place.

Emilee had been waiting just outside for her and once Clarke reached her, the two began walking back across the camp to the tent they had been using. They had just reached the tent and were about to enter when someone called out to Clarke.

"Clarke, wait please." Octavia was slightly out of breath as she finally caught up with the two. "Please, Clarke. I just want to talk."

Clarke stopped and turned and simply stared at the brunette in front of her. Her emotions still running wild as she took in the sight of the girl she had once considered a friend. She didn't trust herself to say anything but she didn't move either. She waited to hear whatever it was the younger girl wanted to say.

Octavia took a few steps closer until she was directly in front of the other girl. "I know it probably doesn't mean much but I'm sorry for what happened between us. I didn't understand then why you made the choices you did. I do now though. I was so angry about the Commander's betrayal and I was worried about my brother and our friends. I shouldn't have said what I did to you. I wasn't being fair to you. I missed you, Clarke. I have been worried about you. We all have been."

Clarke's hand curled into a fist as she struggled to keep her emotions under control. "You all were worried about me?"

The cool even tone of the blonde's raspy voice made Octavia hesitate slightly. "Of course we were. You are our leader, our friend. We didn't know where you went or what happened to you. If you were ok."

"Is that why you sent people to look for me, because you were that concerned about me?"

"Clarke..."

The blonde cut off Octavia. The hurt and loneliness she had suffered for months finally bubbled to the surface in anger. "Nobody came after me, Octavia, nobody. Nobody really tried to stop me from leaving. Bellamy didn't really try. He went through the motions of telling me not to leave but he could have done more to get me to stay. How long did it even take anyone to notice I was gone? It's not like I snuck out in the middle of the night. Almost everyone in Camp Jaha was outside when we came back. I had to leave and nobody even thought about that, about what I had to do to bring our people home. Nobody thought of how hard things were on me with what **I** had to do to save **OUR** friends. So I can't believe you when you say everyone was worried about me. In fact I'm sure there are plenty of people who are glad I'm not around anymore."

"It wasn't like that. There was a lot of stuff going on and..."

"You think I don't know? Believe me I know. I know exactly how much stuff was going on. I was there, Octavia. I was there for all of it. It was all me." Clarke couldn't stop the tears from running out of her eyes and so she turned away as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

Octavia saw the tears fall and reached out to grab Clarke's shoulder to turn her back. "Clarke, I am sorry. I want to fix our friendship."

"You want to fix our friendship or you just want to feel better about being such a bitch to me?" Clarke regretted the words as soon as she spoke them. She didn't mean to sound so harsh. It was just too much for her to handle at the moment.

It was then that Lincoln walked up to the girls. "Clarke, it is good to see you again."

Clarke took in a breath to calm herself. She remembered how Lincoln was taken against his will from the mountain door. "It's good to see you too, Lincoln. I never had the chance to thank you for trying to help me."

"No thanks is needed. You have done enough for me and my people. I don't want to interrupt anything but the Commander sent me. She wants to meet with you.

Clarke rolled her eyes and sighed. "Tell her that the girl she is looking for is not here." With that she turned again and shrugged Octavia's hand off of her shoulder. She knew she should give the girl the opportunity to really talk to her, but she needed to pull herself together first. Turning back again she noticed the girl's watery eyes. "Maybe we can talk later, right now is not the best time." She barely caught the nod of Octavia's head before she rushed into the tent.

Clarke was already on the far side of the tent when Emilee walked in. She was sitting on the edge of the bed that had been placed in the tent. She immediately went right to her friend and sat beside her. Clarke couldn't hold it in any longer and she fell into Emilee's embrace as the tears fell and the sobs shook her body.

When she felt like she could speak again she pulled back slightly and looked into her friend's eyes. "I thought I was ready to face them, but I didn't expect to see her here. I just...I don't know how..."

"I know, Clarke. It's ok. We should rest for now. We can talk later if you want. You don't have to deal with anything you are not ready for at this moment." With that she helped Clarke remove her boots and jacket before removing her own. She pulled down the furs and motioned for Clarke to lie down. She slid in after her and pulled the furs up around them. She placed a soft kiss on the blonde's cheek before pulling her against her and wrapping her arms around her. They were both asleep within minutes.

Lexa tried to rest, but Clarke's message she had given to Lincoln replayed over and over in her mind. Finally giving up she wandered around the camp checking on things. They would be leaving in about an hour and she wanted to make sure everything was progressing according to schedule. She found herself standing outside the tent she knew had been given to Clarke to use. She was debating on whether or not she should try and talk to the sky girl again before they left. She had just decided to wait to try and talk to Clarke when she heard the screams coming from the tent. She immediately recognized Clarke's voice and didn't hesitate to dart inside, fearing the worst. Upon entering the screams stopped and she could see Clarke sitting up in a bed along the far wall. She couldn't help but notice the pile of clothes on the floor and the brunette that was in bed with Clarke. The other girl had her arms wrapped around the blonde and was running her hand gently over the girl's back while whispering in her ear. Lexa's heart dropped at the sight. She couldn't help the jealously that bubbled up inside her. She gripped the handle of the sword at her waist. Her hold so tight that her knuckles were turning white. Clarke had told her that she wasn't ready to be with anyone yet and here she was in bed with someone else. She noticed the sky girl's ragged breath begin to even out as their eyes locked across the space of the tent.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Emilee opened her eyes and waited a minute to figure out what had woken her. She heard a low murmuring and lifted her head off of the bed. Clarke had pulled away from her in her sleep and it was obvious the blonde was having one of her nightmares. Emilee had been afraid of that and knew they would be bad because of what had happened that morning. She knew the familiar faces would have stirred up emotions that Clarke had been trying to figure out how to deal with. She scooted closer to her friend and began whispering in her ear. She hoped that she could calm her down before things became worse. She remembered the other night in her house when the girl's screams had brought Tobi running to see what was wrong. She didn't want that to happen again. Not here in the middle of a camp with hundreds of warriors. Her friend had been through enough today. Normally the gentle rubbing of Clarke's arm or back would quiet her, but not today. Emilee wrapped her arms around Clarke but this caused the sky girl to begin thrashing around. Her mumbling was incoherent but Emilee thought she made out the words "don't touch me". Emilee sighed and decided to try and wake the blonde. The mumbling turned to screams and Clarke bolted upright. Emilee was right there to hold her. She sensed her soothing words finally getting through as the girl's breathing began to return to normal.

Clarke woke up and struggled with her mind to make sense of what was going on. She couldn't remember what the nightmare had been about, but she was sure that was what it , a nightmare. She vaguely remembered green eyes and a hand on her arm, but her mind was so confused she didn't know if it was from her dream or a memory. She could hear Emilee's voice in her ear and could feel her hand rubbing gently against her back. She closed her eyes and fought against the terror that had gripped her. She tried to slow her breathing to get it back under control. Her hands were around Emilee's back and her fists were clenched in the brunette's shirt. Clarke felt another familiar presence, one that was just as comforting as Emilee's. She looked up to see Lexa standing there. She could see care and concern in the Commander's features. There was something else there too that Clarke couldn't place. Her blue eyes locked onto the green ones in front of her and in that moment she wanted more than anything to forget about the hurt and the betrayal and to turn to the calming presence of the Commander she had grown close to during their time together. She knew that despite everything, Lexa would understand the blood that covered her hands. Would understand and probably be able to help her face the demons that haunted her. She was about to speak when those green eyes left her own and flickered to the floor. Then Lexa turned around and was gone.

"Lexa, wait."

Silence was the only answer Clarke received and the tears flooded her eyes again. She pulled herself tighter against Emilee.

"How did everything get so messed up?"

"Things will work out, Clarke."

"I don't know if it's possible anymore. Lexa looked like she was concerned about me, but then she just left. She left me again. She looked...I'm not sure. Something was wrong."

Emilee thought about their position for a minute. "It's obvious that she cares about you. I think that her leaving is my fault."

Clarke pulled back slightly. "This isn't your fault, Emilee. You haven't done anything. This is all because of the decisions that I made."

"Clarke, I don't think she expected to see me with you and definitely not like this." Emilee gestured between the two of them. "If someone didn't know the close friendship we have, I'm sure they could easily misunderstand the situation. It would be very easy for someone to think that there was more than friendship between us."

It took a minute for the realization to hit Clarke. That wasn't anything she had ever thought of. "She thinks we're together. I told her I wasn't ready to be with anyone and now she thinks that I'm with you. That I've been with you."

"Would you like to go talk to her?"

"I know that I need to but I'm still angry and hurt. I don't know how to get over that. I don't know how to talk to her. I had to do things I never thought I would ever do because she left me. I would have made the same choice if it was given to me. In a way I did. I sacrificed hundreds to save a few. The difference is that I would have talked to her about it first. I really don't deserve anyone."

Emilee placed a hand on the side of Clarke's cheek. "I'm sure that once you give yourself the chance to talk to her that you will see the way to start to set things right. You are so much greater than you give yourself credit of being. I know it's so hard to see past the blood and the hurt. You were strong enough to make the choices that very few would have been able to. You're not the monster you think you are, Clarke. If you were then there is no way I would ever have become your friend. I could never allow myself to love a monster."

Emilee's smirk and teasing words at her attempt to lighten the mood worked and a low chuckle spilled its way out of Clarke's mouth. She placed a hand on top of Emilee's that was still on her cheek. "I don't know what I would do without you. You have been so understanding and giving with me. Not to mention patient. Not everyone would willingly sleep next to someone knowing their nightmares would wake them up at night. You have accepted me for who I am and what I have done without question. I love you too, Emilee."

"I don't think that you realize that you came into my life when I needed you as much as you needed me. You have helped me more than I think I could ever really explain. You have given me the strength and courage I needed to see who I am supposed to be."

Emilee could see the question in Clarke's eyes and was going to explain more when Tobi walked in.

"It's time to get ready. We will be leaving soon. I brought some food. Eat and then we'll get going." Tobi gave them both a smile as he handed them the food he had brought.

Clarke was riding silently between Tobi and Emilee. It had been hours since they had set out and during that time she had tried several times to get closer to the Commander, but it seemed like Lexa was avoiding her. The brunette always moving away when Clarke drew near to wherever she was. They would reach their stopping spot soon. From there they would carry out their plan of attack against the bandits. She saw Octavia walking a little bit ahead of her and sighed. Maybe now would be a good time to talk to her one time friend. She caught Emilee's eye and then nodded her head towards Octavia. Emilee knew what she meant and gave her a small smile and a nod in return. Clarke quickened the pace of her horse until she was alongside the younger girl and then quickly dismounted. She walked in front of her horse to the other side, switching the reins to her left hand as she did so that she was walking right next to Octavia. She gave Lincoln, who was walking alongside the brunette a nod in greeting. He smiled and moved slightly away from the two, giving them a little privacy. Octavia glanced at Clarke and waited for the blonde to begin speaking.

"I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance to talk before. I knew I would run into you since I saw you at Knoxville and I was prepared for that, but seeing Lexa kind of threw me a little and I needed a moment."

Octavia looked at Clarke and noticed the tears that were glimmering in her eyes. Her own eyes began to fill up. She was so grateful to finally have the chance to clear the air between them.

"I was so angry, Clarke. I had finally started feeling like I had found a place that I belonged and then having the Commander's betrayal take that away from me. I wanted so much to leave with Indra but I couldn't leave my brother in that place. I was already hurt by you being ok with sacrificing the people at Tondc, at you sacrificing me. I've never had friends before and it hurt that you would so willingly leave me to die." She quickly raised her hand to stop Clarke from speaking. "I've had a lot of time to think about everything. I know that the decision you made ate at you and knowing you, I'm quite certain that you tried to do things differently. I know how much you care about everyone. How much you try and fix things for everyone. I didn't understand that then. I thought that after what we had been through that I didn't mean anything to you. I know now though that I do. Ryder told me what you did to save me. Thank you for sticking up for me and for not letting him kill me. After thinking about it I know that I would have made the same decision if I was in your position. Keeping Bellamy's presence in Mount Weather was more important than anything else. I'm sorry that I took everything out on you. I didn't mean what I said. I know that it hasn't been easy on you. None of it was. It seemed like there was nothing but hard decisions you had to make and that you were just doing the best you could for everyone. You could have accepted defeat when Lexa withdrew her army but you were still determined to save our friends."

"I'm so sorry I made you feel that way, O. I did consider you a friend. I still do. If you still want my friendship." Clarke's voice was heavy with emotion.

"Of course I do. I wanted to go look for you. I wanted to bring you back home. Your mom wouldn't let anyone go out though. When I had the chance to join Indra to deal with these bandits I didn't hesitate. I think I drove Lincoln crazy with how I would look for the smallest sign of you anywhere. I would see the smallest thing and try to connect it to you somehow. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was. I felt that if I hadn't have been so hard on you that you wouldn't have walked away like you did."

Remorse was evident in sky leader's blue eyes. "I didn't mean to just leave. I couldn't stay though. I wasn't able to deal with what I had to do in the mountain. Having to see everyone every day, having to constantly be reminded of what I did would have killed me. It almost did anyway. I haven't been able to deal with it very well. If it wasn't for Emilee I would still be a complete mess. Having her friendship has helped so much. I've been able to focus on other things and not be constantly haunted by all the lives that I have taken. Lately I've realized how much I miss everyone. How much I miss you. I wasn't sure if I would ever see you again."

Octavia stopped walking and grabbed Clarke's arm. She pulled the blonde into a quick embrace that caught her by surprise. "You can't get rid of me that easily, Clarke."

The two girls both smiled at that and continued walking.

"How is everyone? How is my mom?" Clarke wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer but she had worked up the courage to ask anyway.

"She misses you. She made me promise that I would look for you. I know that she wanted to send people to find you but there were so many other things that needed to be done. She couldn't afford to send anyone after you. She said if I found you to tell you that she loves you and that she finally understands. That she's sorry she didn't before. She asked me to bring you home but that she would understand if you couldn't return yet, but to let you know that there will always be a place for you there when you were ready."

Lincoln watched the two girls as they talked. He knew how much it meant to Octavia to not just find Clarke but to apologize to her. He hoped that they would be able to build their friendship back up. He had always admired Clarke's strength as a leader. She had always had his respect. Saving his life had nothing to do with that. He was shocked to see how much the sky girl had changed in her absence. His respect and admiration for her had only grown. He slowly walked back closer to the two girls as they continued to talk about Camp Jaha and their friends.

"You know that they call you Wanheda, the commander of death?"

Sadness appeared on Clarke's face as she processed what Octavia had told her. When she finally spoke her voice was barely more than a whisper but Octavia heard her anyway. "I am. It's not who I want to be, but it is who I am. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I am surrounded by death. I am the cause of it." She slightly raised her hands up and looked at them. "My hands are so covered in blood and yet I can't help but to add to it." Clarke thought of something that she had read on the Ark what now seemed like a life time ago. _Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you._ "I'm a monster, a monster full of empty blackness and death. No matter how hard I try not to be, I am death."

Octavia didn't know how to respond to that. Not having been around Clarke for so long meant she didn't really know what the blonde had been going through. She kind of had an idea, but had no way of knowing for certain. She knew that things couldn't have been easy for Clarke since she left. She finally replied the only way she knew how. "Well, I think they call you that because you look like death. Seriously, Clarke, you look like shit." Octavia bumped her shoulder against Clarke's.

Clarke actually snorted. God, she had missed Octavia, blunt sarcasm and all. "I know I do. It...hasn't been...easy." Clarke chose her words carefully. She wasn't sure how much she was ready to talk about at this moment. Talking about everyone back at Camp Jaha had been draining enough. Octavia seemed willing to listen though and so she figured what the hell, it certainly couldn't make things worse. "It was almost too much to bear. No, that's not quite true. It has been too much. When I left I almost..." Her voice broke. She fiddled with the reins she held in her hand. It was too hard to meet Octavia's eyes so she looked at the ground in front of her. "I wiped out an entire civilization, Octavia. All of them. I couldn't stop seeing their burned and blistered skin, and the look of agony that was frozen on their faces as they died. The children...I know the children weren't the only innocents but it didn't matter because I killed them all. I couldn't live with that, so I was going to...I couldn't let that be my last thought, so I didn't. I wanted to every day though and every night. Nights are worse. It got to a point where I would put off sleep as long as possible, but even during the day they are there. Always with me. Always asking me why. Always there." Clarke spared a glance over her shoulder. She could see Emilee and Tobi still side by side and seemingly deep in conversation. Turning back around, she continued talking. "It's been better since I met Emilee. She is the only reason that I can sleep at all and that I haven't gone completely insane."

Octavia was shocked at Clarke's revelation. In all the time that Clarke had been gone she knew that it was a possibility that Clarke had died or been killed, but never had she thought that it could have been by the blonde's own hand. She knew that Clarke hadn't even been able to say it out loud and so she decided not to mention it further and just be grateful that Clarke has not done anything. She turned her attention back to the brunette her friend had mentioned. She had noticed the closeness that Clarke seemed to have with the grounder but didn't really have much of a chance to think about it before. "You two seem to be very close. Are you guys..."

Clarke quickly cut her off. "We're just friends. Actually, she's more like a sister. It's hard to explain. I feel so close to her, but not in that way. She understands what I'm going through and has been so patient and caring. She seems to know what I need when I need it. I know people might not understand how close we are and some may think that it is something more than what it is. I think that Lexa thinks we are together."

Octavia whipped her head around at that. "Lexa what?"

"Back at the camp when I was resting after the battle, I had a nightmare. I think she heard me screaming. I guess I do that when the nightmares are really bad. Anyway, when I was coming out of it, I saw her there. She saw Emilee in bed with me and she didn't say anything. She just turned and walked out."

"Hang on. Why were you in bed with Emilee? You said you two are just friends."

"I promise we are. I told you that nights are worse for me. The nightmares don't let me sleep much. I was staying out on my own but Emilee recently convinced me to move to Knoxville. I have been staying with her. My nightmares would wake her up and she would come to my room and help bring me out of it and get me back to sleep. I felt bad for waking her up all the time and we decided that it would just be easier to share a bed. Having her there just to hold me helps keeps the nightmares away. Most of the time I can actually sleep through most of the night. It seems when I have some kind of stress going on that it makes them worse. Like when I saw you and Lincoln at Knoxville and today seeing Lexa."

"I'm glad you have her, Clarke. I'm glad you haven't been entirely alone. We both know what that's like."

Clarke noticed the army ahead of them had begun to stop. She knew it was time for the scouts to set off. She said a quick goodbye to Octavia and mounted her horse as soon as Emilee and Tobi had caught up to her. They had been the logical choices for the scouts since they had been to the bandit's camp before. The three headed off towards the front of the army where she knew Lexa was waiting to give them final instructions.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Can you say heartbroken? Even though I knew it was coming I wasn't prepared for last night's episode. I'm sure there are many of you who are feeling the loss. If you need to talk or vent you can feel free to reach out to me. PM or I am also storm311 on Tumblr. Kind of new to Tumblr so be kind as usual. Thank you for the follows and favorites and the reviews of course. I know this isn't a long chapter but I just wanted to get something out there today. The next chapter shouldn't be as long of a wait. I've had a few questions lately and I want to assure you that this is a Clexa story. It will get there.**

Chapter 15

The Commander had decided to stay on her horse since she knew that Clarke and those that would accompany her where on their way to see her. Her personal guards were mounted near her as the rest of the army was settling in around them. Lexa saw the trio approaching her. She knew she had been physically avoiding Clarke since the incident in the tent, but the truth was opposite mentally. She had not been able to get Clarke out of her mind. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but the sight of Clarke with Emilee had hurt her. She was jealous of the closeness the two seemed to share and wished that it was her arms that were holding Clarke close and comforting the nightmares away, that it was her that shared a bed with the blonde. She knew that she had nobody to blame but herself. If she had lost any chance with the sky girl it was because of her own doing. She was the one who had walked away and left the sky girl standing at the doorway to hell. She knew from experience and from knowing what kind of person Clarke was, that what the sky leader had to do in the mountain was not something easy to deal with. From Clarke's appearance and the obvious nightmares she knew that hell is exactly where Clarke has been all of this time.

Clarke was riding in between Emilee and Tobi, and as they approached their commander she moved slightly ahead. She knew that Lexa could not avoid her this time. For the first time since that morning she locked eyes with the brunette.

"Commander."

Lexa kept her gaze on Clarke for a long moment before taking in the people on either side of her, then focusing back on the blonde. "You are ready?"

"Yes. We should be able to report back in no more than two hours."

There was an awkward silence as they looked at each other. Both leaders wanting to say more but neither exactly sure what. Lexa finally gave a slight nod.

Clarke simply started forward in return. She quickly stopped and looked back at the Commander. "May we meet again." She wanted to say so much more but that's all that she would allow herself for now. It wasn't the time or the place. She didn't wait for a response because she was afraid of receiving nothing but the Commander's trademark stoicism, especially after being ignored all day, so she quickly turned and continued on her way. Emilee and Tobi following behind her.

Lexa watched as they made it to the tree line. She touched the front of her jacket, her fingers finding the comforting bump that had become a part of her. She quietly whispered, "May we meet again, Clarke."

* * *

When they were as close as they dared to go on horseback they dismounted and secured the horses so they could continue on foot. During the ride, Clarke had been deep in thought. She knew she couldn't be mad at Lexa forever. She knew that the Commander had made the best decision possible for her people. She would have done the same if it meant saving her people. It was the betrayal of her trust that hurt Clarke. If she would only have just talked to her, made her feel like she really did matter to the brunette, that their friendship and whatever it was developing into meant something to her. She wanted to believe that she would have talked to Lexa first if roles had been reversed. She realized the similarities in what happened between them on the mountain and the decision she had made at Tondc putting Octavia and the rest of the village in harm's way. Octavia had forgiven her. Perhaps it was time for her to do the same. She was tired of the hurt and the anger. She wasn't sure how to get over that but maybe Emilee was right and she'd figure it out once she could actually talk to Lexa. It was possible that she just needed to voice the anger and hurt to the one that caused it.

It wasn't easy but the three finally found themselves on the edge of hill looking down at the path that lead to the bandits' camp. It was obvious that the bandits had been busy clearing the trees surrounding the trail. There would be no way to approach the trail anywhere without being seen. The path wasn't wide enough for their army to be able to force their way down the path without being taken out by the guards that they could see lining the trail. Clarke motioned for the other two to turn back the way they had come. After a moment she turned to them.

"With their guards hidden in the trees our army wouldn't be able to take out enough of them to get to the main encampment and the trail isn't wide enough for us to force our way down it. They would take us out if we tried, even if we had a shield wall."

Emilee spoke up. "We could try to wait them out but with all the raiding they've done I think we would run out of supplies before them. There's no way we could get enough from the surrounding villages to support an army as large as ours because they've all been raided already."

"Maybe if we had guns or explosives. I don't even know how many if any skaikru came or how well they are armed." Clarke hated to think of that. It reminded her of everything she had done since landing on the ground. She had been too preoccupied that morning to look around to see if any of the sky people were there. She didn't remember hearing any gun shots during the battle that morning, but she hadn't gotten there until the end.

"Do you think that maybe one or two people could sneak into their camp somehow and destroy their supplies? That could force them to come out and face us head on." Tobi voiced his thoughts to the other two.

Clarke sighed heavily. "It might be possible but it would be very risky. I guess we report back to Lexa and see where she wants to go from here." Clarke had hoped to bring better news back to the Commander and the awaiting army.

Tobi and Emilee were walking together slightly ahead of Clarke. They were deep in conversation and didn't realize that Clarke had slowed and then stopped walking about fifty feet behind them. Clarke's senses were on high alert. Something wasn't right. She stopped walking to try and pinpoint what was causing her uneasiness. Suddenly there was movement in the trees around her. Something dropped from the trees in front of her. More to her left and right. She quickly reached to grab her sword, but as she raised her left arm up her world went dark.

Emilee heard a sound behind her and turned just in time to see the bandits that dropped out of the trees and were surrounding Clarke. She watched as the one directly behind the blonde raised his sword and brought the hilt down on the blonde head before Clarke could draw her own weapon. Emilee reached to grab her own sword as she started to step forward towards her friend. She felt Tobi's hand on her arm pulling her back as several more bandits dropped from the trees closer to them.

"We can't, Emilee. There's too many of them. We can't take them all. We need to report back."

Emilee knew Tobi was right, so once again they were leaving Clarke behind. She knew Clarke would want them to do just that if the risk was too great to try and help her, that getting word back to the army would be more important. With those thoughts in her head, Emilee was able to turn and leave. She hadn't seen Clarke move at all after she had fallen and she could only hope that she would be ok. It didn't look good and Emilee silently promised that as soon as she could she would try to return to do whatever she could to help her friend. She could only hope that she would still be alive.

* * *

Oden entered the Commander's tent. Lexa was standing at the side of the large war table where she had laid out maps of the area.

 _"Commander, the scouts are returning."_

Lexa turned and looked at Oden. It was obvious that there was more he wanted to say.

 _"Our lookouts say that three horses are returning but one has no rider."_

Lexa gave a slight nod to Oden and turned to make her way out of the tent. She inhaled deeply and briefly closed her eyes before sliding through the tent flap. She watched the riders approaching and her heart dropped as she saw Clarke's horse being led by Emilee. There was no sign of the young sky leader. Emilee and Tobi brought their horses to a stop in front of the Commander. It was obvious that they had been riding hard to make it back quickly.

"Where is Clarke?" Lexa couldn't help the question that escaped her lips.

Emilee was the one who spoke up. "Commander, I'm sorry, but we were ambushed. We couldn't get to Clarke."

"You left here there?" Lexa couldn't believe that it was possible for Clarke to be gone again. Not after she had finally found her after all of this time.

"We had no choice. We had to leave or we also would have been captured or killed. You know that Clarke would have made the same decision to leave. She knew how important it would be to get word back to you."

Lexa knew that what Emilee said was true. She motioned them towards her tent so they could give her the full report and more details on what exactly happened to Clarke. She hoped the blonde was still alive.

After listening to the report from Emilee and Tobi, Lexa called for the field generals so they could discuss their options and come up with a plan. Emilee had asked to stay and Lexa granted her request. She wanted her to stay anyway in case the generals had more questions about what they had seen. The talks seemed to be going in circles as nobody could come up with a good plan. Lexa missed Clarke. She always had something that she could come up with even if she hit heads with most people. Emilee had been listening to the generals and was getting frustrated. She wanted to leave. She needed to know what had happened to Clarke and they were wasting time. She finally decided to speak up.

 _"What about the Skaikru? Are there any here? Do they have enough guns that could help us take out those guarding the path?"_

There was a lot of grumbling at the mention of the sky people.

 _"Enough!"_ Lexa was quick to silence the leaders. "Indra?"

The dark skinned general looked around the room. " _There are about 10 of them but the Chancellor said she couldn't spare any automatic weapons, only rifles and batons_."

The talks continued for another hour before they were finally close to coming up with a plan. It was decided that they would set out before dawn and attack at first light. They would use the sky people to try and take out as many guards as they could. They would send a massive wave of attack in hope of distracting the bandits enough for a couple warriors to try and sneak behind enemy lines to take out their supply tents. It wasn't the best plan but it was the only one they had. Emilee had spoken up again urging them to attack immediately. She was worried about Clarke. Lexa agreed with her but didn't speak her thoughts out loud. She knew the best chance of success they had was to wait until first light. After she had dismissed everyone she went to find Emilee.

* * *

Emilee was surprised to see the Commander enter her tent.

"I know you are upset with the decision to wait. I know you care about Clarke."

"I do care about her Commander. It's not right that she sacrifices herself for us. She's already done so much."

Lexa was careful to hide her emotions. "I know she has. I know that you and Tobi will look for Clarke when you sneak into their camp, but I also know that you will remember your priority is to take out their supplies."

The slight warning in her reminder was not lost on Emilee. She wanted to argue but knew her place and so she simply nodded.

"Yes, Commander."

Lexa turned to leave but was stopped by Emilee's voice.

"She cares about you too, Commander."

Lexa kept her back turned towards Emilee but she briefly closed her eyes as her hand went once again to the small reminder she kept in the pocket close to her heart. She slowly turned back around and faced Emilee once more. She noticed the leather bound book the other girl was holding in her hands.

"I don't think she knows how to tell you that. Perhaps this will help." Emilee stood and extended her arm to hold the book out to Lexa.

"This is hers. I think it has helped her to be able to express herself on paper. Things have not been easy for Clarke. She has not known how to handle the weight of the deaths and destruction she has caused. It plagues her thoughts when she is awake and when she is asleep. Her demons haunt her more than anyone could ever imagine. Except for maybe you. We both know that leading is not an easy path to walk. We have both had to make hard decisions. You more than I. I have helped her as much as I can. I have been there for her and I have helped to keep her demons at bay but we both know that she is the only one who can forgive herself and come to terms with what she has done, with what she thinks she has become. That doesn't change the fact that she needs you."

Lexa went to protest but Emilee cut her off.

"She does need you. You can help her more than I can. We are just friends. I know you think otherwise and I can understand why after what you saw. Clarke is very important to me. She wanted to explain to you earlier but she didn't get the opportunity to. Her nightmares are very bad. When I first met her I don't believe she was sleeping much, if at all. I finally convinced her to come out of the cave she had been staying in and to stay with me in Knoxville. So many times I had to pull her out of her nightmares. She sleeps better when she's not alone, when she has some reminder of humanity next to her, but she is like a sister to me. I'm sorry if what you saw made you think otherwise. She does care for you. She loves you. Look at the book and you will see."

Lexa wasn't used to anyone talking to her as candidly as Emilee just had, but she allowed it. She looked at the book in her hand and then back at Emilee.

" _Thank you_."

* * *

Lexa had returned to her tent and was sitting on the edge of her bed. She had been staring at the leather cover on the book in her hands. Finally she opened it up to the first page. She gasped as she saw her own image on the page. She could see the blood splatters on her face and the smeared war paint. She knew that was the last image Clarke had of her when she left her on the mountain and it made her heart ache. It was not how she wanted the blonde to think of her. Tears filled her eyes and she willed them not to fall. She slowly turned to the next page. Page after page revealed the people that Clarke had been close to. She saw the drawings Clarke had done of the Ark and her view of the earth from there. The next pages were filled with the deaths that Clarke felt responsible for. Lexa recognized the drop ship with the charred remains of 300 of her warriors, Tondc, Finn, and the mountain men. Lexa had heard what had happened inside of the mountain but she had no idea of what that had looked like until now. Clarke had captured every detail including the small bodies that were sprawled throughout the dining hall or curled into their parent's bodies as they futilely tried to protect them. Her heart ached for Clarke. The overwhelming emotions that the blonde must have experienced, and the unrelenting hell she must have been living with carrying those images around with her. Lexa never meant for Clarke to have to go through that. There were drawings of Knoxville and Emilee. What caught her breath though was that the remainder of the book was filled with drawings of herself. It was evident that Clarke cared for her. She was overwhelmed with a feeling of love and guilt for having thrown the possibility of her and the blonde away when she abandoned her. She replayed Emilee's words in her head and they gave her hope. Hope that things could be made right. Hope that she could still one day be Clarke's. Hope that she could help the sky girl learn to live with the decisions that all great leaders had to deal with. That hope though, depended on Clarke still being alive.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N Sincere apologies for the unintended hiatus. Blame the unplanned, spur of the moment, but much needed vacation with warm white sand beaches and fruity alcoholic beverages.

Guest Reviews: Rori – Thank you so very much for your kind words. All I can say is that I try to stay true to the characters. Don't worry, I don't think I could get rid of Emilee if I wanted to. She's in for the long haul. I don't have a planned posting schedule. This chapter took way longer to post than I ever imagined it would. Unfortunately writing cannot be a priority to me no matter how much I would like it to be. I work minimum 45 hours a week and do a lot of driving. I'm an area supervisor for a company and have multiple locations that I'm over. I also teach a lot of training classes for my company as well as occasionally teach business classes in some local middle school and high school classes through the Junior Achievement and FBLA programs. Throw in family, friends, and a 6 month old (not mine, but closely related and currently lives with me) that completely distracts me for hours at a time by his constant learning of new things and almost talking, and I don't get a lot of free time. Most of my writing is done while waiting for meetings to start and I'll shamelessly admit, sometimes while stuck in traffic.

Now that you've all gotten that tiny glimpse into my life, we'll get on with it.

* * *

Chapter 16

The first thing Clarke was aware of was the throbbing in her head. She tried to raise her hand up to feel the back of her head but she couldn't move her hand from behind her back. Her eyes shot open and she took in her surroundings. She had a hard time trying to focus and she shook her head trying to clear her thoughts. This made her head ache even more. She couldn't help the groan that escaped her lips. Her hands were behind her tied to the chair she was sitting on. Her throat was dry and her lips felt chapped. She looked around her and noticed the tent she was in seemed rather empty. There was a table near the tent entrance and a few chairs next to it, but not much of anything else. She noticed her weapons were on the table. Suddenly there was movement at the tent entrance and Clarke watched as a tall, burly man came through the opening. The quickness with which he did so betrayed his size. His head was shaved and tattoos covered his face and scalp. His dark brown eyes scanned across Clarke's face as he walked across the tent, stopping once he was directly in front of her.

"Look who finally decided to wake up. You went down easily for the one they call the Commander of Death. You didn't even draw a weapon."

With that, his deep rumbling laugh filled the tent and made the pounding in Clarke's head sharpen.

"I'm not the Commander of anything." Clarke's voice was low and hoarse and she tried not to think about how much she wished she had a drink of water.

The laugh reverberated in Clarke's head again causing her to wince slightly. "Are you not the one who took out many of our men at Knoxville? The one who defeated the mountain? The one who took out hundreds of the Commander's elite warriors? The burning star that fell from the sky and brought fire and death to the earth?"

Clarke couldn't help the stab of guilt that struck her heart at the mention of those she had killed. "I did what I had to."

"I thought you would be harder to kill. Perhaps you are looking for death." His glare pierced through the blonde.

Clarke held his gaze. She refused to look away or show any sign of weakness. "Perhaps I am here to give you yours."

She didn't see him move but she felt the closed fist as it hit her face. The force of the blow was enough to rock the chair she was sitting in backwards to the point where it nearly tipped over. Her arms felt like they were going to be pulled out of their sockets when the chair moved forward again and the front legs hit the ground with a loud thud jarring her entire body. The whole left side of her face radiated with pain, adding to her already throbbing head, and the coppery taste of blood filled her mouth. Her vision began to dim around the edges and she fought off the darkness that threatened to claim her. The man leaned forward until his face was level with hers.

"I do not think you are in a position to be making any threats."

Clarke spit at the man, blood and saliva hitting him on his cheek. He drew his hand back to hit her again.

 _"Rory, stop! You were told to check to see if she was awake not to knock her unconscious again."_

The big man dropped his hand as soon as the words were spoken but his glare remained fixed on Clarke. _"I'm sorry Atticus."_

 _"Leave us."_

The newcomer finally came into Clarke's view as the other man left the tent. He was just as tall as the other man named Rory, but not as burly. His long dreads were pulled back from his face. His pale blue eyes were focused on the girl in front of him.

"Forgive my manners, I am Atticus. I apologize for my men. They can be a little… rough sometimes."

Clarke merely grunted in response.

Atticus walked over to the table that held Clarke's weapons. He picked up the sword and balanced it in his hand before setting it down again. He looked at the gun but didn't pick it up.

"It's very fortunate for me that you are here. It seems that there have been many people looking for you, Clarke of the Sky People. Word of your deeds has proceeded you and there are some who want the power you hold."

Clarke jerked her head around to look at Atticus where he still stood at the side of the tent. "Then they will be very disappointed because I have no power."

"Don't underestimate your worth, Clarke. I think you could be very valuable to someone. I try to keep up on things that are happening. There are stories, rumors if you will, about the fondness a certain Commander has for you. Perhaps she would be willing to pay for your return. Your own people would pay nicely for your return. There are other groups that would be just as interested in you. People that think you could be an asset to them or they think that capturing or killing you would elevate themselves. Yes, I think you could be very valuable to me."

"You mean the Commander who betrayed me and my people. They aren't even my people anymore either. I'm fairly certain that none of them are looking for me. I'm not worth anything to anyone." Clarke paused to look at the man in front of her. "Looks like I'm not the one underestimating the situation here."

Atticus walked to the tent opening and Clarke could hear him talking to someone but she couldn't make out what was said. The apparent leader of the bandits walked back over to Clarke.

"I think that maybe we could help each other out." Atticus was about to say more but was cut off by someone entering the tent.

The big burly man from earlier, Rory, entered the tent again. He glared at Clarke while handing a water skin to Atticus then stepped to the side. Atticus uncapped the skin and walked closer to Clarke holding it up.

"You must be thirsty."

Clarke said nothing and didn't move a muscle. Her unwavering gaze still held his.

"Please, Clarke, there is no reason that we can't be friends. As I was saying, I think that we could help each other out." Atticus turned to the other man. _"Untie her."_

 _"I don't think..."_

 _"I said, untie her."_

Rory moved behind Clarke and a moment later she felt the blood rush back to her hands as the ropes were loosened. She brought her hands in front of her and rubbed the angry red marks around her wrists. Atticus handed Clarke the water skin again and this time she took it. She raised the skin to her lips and took a mouthful. She swished it around in her mouth before turning and spitting it out to her side. She raised the skin again and this time took a drink. The water felt good as it ran down her parched throat.

"Thank you." She said as she handed the container back.

"I'd like to make an offer to you. It is obvious that you are not with your people because you choose not to be. I would like to offer you a place here. I think you would fit in well. We have all joined together because we don't fit in anywhere else, just like you. I could easily pawn you off to the highest bidder but I think we can both benefit more from working together. You were right when you said before that your people don't care about you. There has been no word of them looking for you. I'm not sure why you were with the Commander's army because they don't seem to care about you either. My men told me that there were a couple with you when they found you and they didn't even try to fight for you. They walked away without looking back. Just left you there."

Clarke just stared at him for a moment. Did he really think she would join with a group like his? A bunch of thieves and murderers? "You've already said I don't mean anything to anyone. I have nothing here. Why don't you let me go and I'll just walk away. It's time for me to move on anyway."

"I can't do that Clarke. You know that. How about I give you some time to think about what you would like to do. I will need an answer fairly soon though since there will be an army trying to knock on our door at any moment and we already know they don't care who is caught in the crossfire. If you join my group though, we can easily beat them back and then you'll be free of all of them. "

Clarke's laugh was low and continued on for a long moment. "I don't need any more time to decide anything. Do you really think that I would be that naive? That I couldn't see what you were trying to do from the beginning? There is no way I wouldn't be able to see right through your little plan to pretend to welcome me in just so you can use me. It's not going to work."

Atticus looked at the blonde, his steely gaze was locked onto her and his voice was sharp. "I'm only going to give you one chance. Tell me what you know about the Commander's army. Numbers and weapons and what their plan is and I'll let you live. You would be free to go once this is over."

Clarke huffed. "We both know that is a lie. You would never let me go."

"You're making a mistake sky girl. Perhaps you'll talk once you're tied to a pole and feel the cold steel of my blade as it slices into your skin. Either way, if the Commander's army can make it through my men and into the camp or when I decide to let them think they have made it through, I will be long gone and your lifeless body will be the first thing they see as they come up the path. Atticus turned towards Rory. _"Tie her back up."_

Rory moved forward with a slight smirk on his face. His dislike of the sky leader was apparent. He stood in front of her and bent over as he reached for one of her hands. She quickly raised her foot and kicked him in the chest sending him spinning backwards. He went to charge her but was stopped by Atticus once again.

 _"Not now Rory! You will have your chance later. Finish here then report to the front of the pass for guard duty. I will send for you when it is time."_

With that, Rory walked behind the blonde and jerked her arms behind her back and roughly wrapped the rope around them.

Clarke ignored Rory and focused on the bandit leader in front of her. "You might as well just kill me now if that's what your plan is. I'm not going to give you anything you want."

"I'm sure we can find something to give you a little motivation. The thought of one's own death can have a greater effect on people than they would ever think." Atticus had a smug smile on his face as he spoke.

Clarke's raspy laugh filled the tent once more. "I died a long time ago and more times than I can even count. Your threats have no weight to someone who is nothing and has nothing. I AM death, Atticus. You picked the wrong person to try and get information from. You speak these words as if they would scare me. There's nothing I'm scared of anymore. I've faced my demons and became one in the process. You can kill me, you can torture me, you can let me live. It doesn't matter what you do, it all means the same to me. I've inflicted the worse possible pain on myself and I'm still here. Nothing you can do can compare to what I've already been through."

Clarke's demeanor remained impassive while Atticus' grew angry. "You talk big sky girl, but soon you will be crying out to ask for the pain to stop."

With that the two men walked out. Clarke watched them go. She had no idea of what she was going to do. She thought back to her conversation with Atticus. She hadn't been entirely honest with Atticus. Perhaps the things she had said would have been true not so long ago but now she did have something to lose. She had Emilee now and she had the chance to talk to Lexa, to see if she could indeed be able to forgive her and maybe one day herself, and to see if she could rebuild relationships with not just Lexa but with her own people. She needed to find a way out of this. She tested the ropes that were wrapped around her wrists, pulling and twisting her hands as much as she could. They weren't loose but they weren't too tight either. She had tried to keep her muscles contracted as Rory tied her hands. The man had been focused on being rough and causing her as much pain in the process as he tied them that he didn't double check the tightness on them. She tried wriggling her hands loose. They wouldn't slide right out but maybe she could work them free.

Clarke noticed that the sun had gone down already and she was no closer to getting her hands free. Her wrists were raw where the ropes had rubbed the skin off in her struggles. She wasn't sure what Atticus had meant earlier when he said that he would be long gone when the Commander's army made it through his men or when he let them think they had made it through. Did that mean he had a trap set up? What did he mean about being gone already? Did he have some secret escape route? She shook the thoughts from her head. She really needed to get out to warn the army, to warn Lexa. She knew she was running out of time. She tried harder to pull her hands free from the ropes. She could get the top of her hand through the tied loop but no matter how she tried to fold or scrunch her hand she just couldn't get it to slip out. She was starting to get desperate. She used her left hand to grip around her right hand. Squeezing as hard as she could while pulling up on her hand. She could feel the ball joint at the base of her thumb struggling against the socket that held it. She sucked in a huge breath and held it as she gave her hand a final squeeze while pulling as hard as she could. She felt the intense pain as her thumb dislocated and her hand slid out, the rope scraping against her ruined skin in the process.

Clarke fought off the waves of nausea brought on by the intense pain in her hand. With one hand now free from the chair, Clarke tried to loosen the knots that held her other hand still captive. She suddenly felt like maybe she hadn't thought this through very well as she realized that she couldn't use her thumb at all to work the knots in the rope loose and she couldn't grip it very well with her other fingers, especially with the pain radiating from her hand and up her arm. She slowly stood on shaking legs and maneuvered around to the back of the chair. She crouched down so her left hand that was still tied to the chair was in front of her. Bending forward she grabbed the rope with her teeth and began trying to work the knot loose. After several long minutes she could feel the knot start to loosen. Several more minutes and she finally worked herself completely free. She examined her bloody wrists and her mangled hand. She used her left hand to feel around the base of her thumb. She tried popping it back into place but the pain and swelling was making it impossible to do with just one hand. It would have to wait. She didn't have time to worry about it now anyway.

Moving quickly and quietly she made her way to the table where Atticus had foolishly left her weapons. His mistake for underestimating the blonde. Clarke knew that she couldn't just walk out of the tent. There were sure to be guards posted. She slowly made her way around the edge of the tent until she reached the back wall. She pulled out her knife and carefully made a small slit in the wall of the tent. Spreading the fabric apart she peered outside. She could see a couple other tents but couldn't see anyone around. She quickly lengthened the cut until it was large enough for her to slip through. She peeked outside again before slipping through.

It took a moment for Clarke to get her bearings. She thought of what she needed to do. She knew that Emilee would have told Lexa that taking out the supply tents would have been the best option to flush them out, but if they had another secret way out then it wouldn't really matter anyway. She could try and take out the supply tents herself but she felt the better option would be to report back to Lexa about the possible trap and the other way out of the bandits' stronghold. Clarke pulled her hood up over her head and then as quickly as she could she made her way from tent to tent until she reached the edge of the camp. She knew the way out was being heavily guarded. She only hoped that nobody would question her moving from the camp. She figured it would be best if it looked like she belonged there and that she was sent that way for a reason. Clarke briefly closed her eyes then began walking straight down the path. She could see the guards standing by and she held her breathe as she kept walking. She received a few glances as she walked but nobody said anything to her or tried to stop her. Finally she made her way to the end of the path and as soon as she got there she moved slightly off the path and into the trees as if she was taking up position there. She glanced around and when she saw movement on the other side of the path her heart dropped. She recognized the shadowy figure she saw in the trees across the way. She had forgotten that Atticus had sent Rory up here. She didn't think that he had noticed her when she walked up. Clarke slowly began moving sideways further into the trees. Shuffling slowly from one foot to the other and moving a few inches at a time until finally she couldn't see the big burly man any longer. She looked around and when she didn't see anyone else around she began moving through the trees and further away from the camp.

Clarke had been keeping up an even running pace ever since she had gotten far enough away from the bandits' camp that she wasn't worried about making too much noise. She was exhausted and yet she kept pushing herself on. Her head was pounding. The muscles in her legs felt like they would give out on her at any minute. Her hand throbbed with pain. Her breath was ragged and her throat was so dry. She had thought that if Lexa was going to try and take out the supply tents they would make their move at dawn or slightly before. She hoped that the Commander's army was already on the move and heading towards the bandits' camp, otherwise she wouldn't make it there. She knew she didn't have the stamina to keep going much longer.

With the aid of the bright moon and cloudless sky, she finally saw movement coming over the far ridge that was slightly to her left. In the moonlight she could see Lexa's great white horse and she adjusted her course pushing herself a little more. _Just a little farther_ were the words that echoed over and over again in her head.

Emilee was riding besides Lexa and they both noticed Clarke's approach across the valley at nearly the same time. Recognizing the blonde immediately, Emilee turned towards Lexa with the unspoken request. The Commander raised her hand triggering the army behind her to stop as she gave the brunette a slight nod. Emilee urged her horse to a run.

Clarke saw the rider coming for her and knew that it was her friend. She finally stopped and her exhaustion took over causing her to drop to her knees. Emilee was off of her horse before it even came to a complete stop. She didn't hesitate to drop down in front of the blonde and wrap her arms around her. The relief was evident in her voice as she uttered her friend's name. Clarke returned the tight embrace until her need for more oxygen caused her to pull back slightly.

"Emilee!" The blonde croaked. Her dry throat seemed to barely be able to produce sound at all.

Knowing what Clarke needed, Emilee stood and retrieved a water skin from her pack on her horse. She took in the blonde's appearance as the girl drank greedily. Clarke looked paler than normal. She could see the dry blood matted in her hair and the dark fresh bruises on her cheek. She lifted her hand and gently touched the side of Clarke's face.

"You're hurt, Clarke."

"I need to talk to Lexa."

 _Typical Clarke_ , Emilee thought to herself. Never thinking about her own needs. She knew her friend though and knew that there would be no stopping her until she did what she felt she needed to do first. Only then would she allow herself to be considered. Emilee nodded and reached down to help the sky girl up. She then helped her on to her horse before mounting herself.

Lexa's hand hadn't left her chest since she brought her army to a stop. The slight bulge gave her no comfort as she watched Clarke drop to her knees. She wasn't really surprised that Clarke had survived and escaped. That was so typical of the blue eyed girl. She kept her stoic mask in place as she watched the interaction unfold across the way.

She swiftly dismounted as the pair finally approached her. She watched as Clarke grimaced in pain as Emilee helped her off of the horse. She had to fight her body to keep still because she wanted nothing more than to dart forward and make sure that the sky girl was ok. She had her hand on the hilt of her sword and the grip on her sword tightened until her knuckles turned white as she fought to control the anger that was rising in her as she saw the bruises and dried blood. They would pay for what they've done. Blood would have blood.

Clarke jumped right to the point. "Lexa, you can't attack right now. That's what they want you to do."

Lexa listened as Clarke told her about Atticus and the conversation she had with him and how she thought that there was another way out of the enclosed valley his army was camped in. When she was finished, Lexa called Indra over and told her to have the army set up camp there. They would discuss their options and come up with a new plan in the morning. She then asked Oden to send one of the healers to come take care of Clarke, but she was cut off by the blonde before she could finish giving the order.

"It's not necessary, Lexa. I'm fine. I just need to rest a little."

"Clarke, it's obvious that you are hurting. Let them take care of you."

"Really, I'm fine." Clarke's words came out a littler harsher than she intended. Realizing this she quickly added in a softer tone, "It's nothing serious. Emilee can help me, but really I just want to get some rest."

Lexa knew it was useless to argue with the stubborn blonde so she finally nodded her head. She fought the flicker of jealousy that flashed inside her as she watched Emilee grab Clarke around the waist to help support her as they walked off. She believed what Emilee had told her about their friendship but it was still hard to not wish that it was her in Emilee's spot right then. Especially after hearing what the shop keeper had told her and after seeing the evidence Clarke had drawn in her book. She wondered if she would ever be able to earn the girl's forgiveness. If they could ever once again have the closeness that had been growing between them before the mountain. If she could ever maybe know what the blonde's lips felt like against hers again. She forced herself to stop the line of thoughts that were running through her mind.

Tobi intercepted the two as soon as he saw them walk away from the Commander.

"I'm so glad you are alright, Clarke." The slightly guilty look from leaving Clarke behind was evident on his face.

"Thank you, Tobi. You two did the right thing by leaving me, don't beat yourself up about it." The warm smile she gave him erased the look from his face.

"I have the tent set up for you. You should get some rest while I go and help get the rest of camp set up."

Tobi walked them to where the tent was set up and turned to walk away.

"Tobi, hang on a second. I need your help with something."

Clarke ignored the quizzical look on his face and motioned them both inside. Once inside she began to remove her cloak and jacket. Her face tightening into a grimace as she pulled her right arm out of the sleeve.

"I dislocated my thumb and I need some help popping it back into place. I already tried but I can't do it with just one hand." Clarke held her hand up as she spoke.

Concern flooded Emilee's face as she took in the misshapen hand. The base of her thumb was a dark purple and very swollen. The digit popped out an awkward looking angle. Her eyes grew larger as Clarke pulled the sleeve of her shirt up on that arm. Her wrists were bloody and raw. She didn't say a word though as she listened as Clarke explained what they needed to do.

Clarke sat on the furs that Tobi had laid out for them to sleep on. Emilee sat next to her and wrapped her arms around her to help hold her still. Tobi was ready to pull her thumb out and down as she had explained to him how to get it back where it belonged. He went to grab her hand but quickly stopped.

"Hang on a second," he said as he reached over to fiddle with his pack. He had removed one of the straps and was folding it over on itself. "You should bite down on this. It might help."

Clarke nodded and placed the thick leather in her mouth clenching it between her teeth. Once she was ready, Tobi grabbed her hand. Clarke held on to Emilee tighter as he did so. She was so thankful that Emilee was there. Her reassuring and calm presence was much needed. Tobi was definitely not a healer and the process took a little longer than Clarke had hoped it would. The searing pain shot through her hand making it feel like it was on fire. She thought her teeth were going to break as they clamped down even harder on the leather in her mouth as she fought back the screams that tried to erupt from her throat. She felt the pain grow impossibly more intense and she thinks that maybe her screams did finally find their way out just before her world went black.


End file.
